Leader Compass 47 - Breaking the Invisible Chains

In his classic work "A Christmas Carol", Charles Dickens wrote of the spirit Jacob Marley, former business partner to Ebeneezer Scrooge who, when visiting Scrooge explained that the chains he wore were those he forged in life. Continuing on Marley explained that Scrooge wears his own chains but that they are invisible to him right now.

Dickens writings are a welcome wake up to us that each day we carry chains we forge in life with our actions, and, like Scrooge we are often unaware of the weight of which these chains drag us down. The challenge we all have is not merely in ridding ourselves of the chains, but first in recognizing that we carry them!

Our invisible chains are forged by habits and patterns that appear in our everyday life. They are the chains we forge in times of stress and/or intense focus. Motivational guru and speaker Anthony Robbins warns people to "be careful" of what they focus on when they are in a peak (high emotional) state. The focus, good or bad will either forge another link in the invisible chain or can lead to breaking the chain and liberating us from it's weight.

Peak emotional states are both negative and positive. A peak state of sadness alters our nervous system and we begin to feel emotion in a very unique and deep way. Joy, on the other end is the same. This peak state alters our nervous system and heightens our experience in the moment. What we focus on during each state links things (thoughts, moments, people, bias etc) to that peak state. Left unchecked these linkages lead to an unconscious pattern we begin to repeat over and over again. Left unchecked over time the patterns and habits become part of our character. Left unchecked even further and we become deeply self deceived. That belief, turned habit, turned character is now "me" in the self-deceived mind.

Once in this great state of self deception we continue to feed what researcher and author Carol DeWick describes in her book Mindset as a "fixed mindset." Once we are in a fixed mindset we have become like Scrooge...carrying the chains that are invisible to us but weigh us down with great force.

Over the years I've spent countless hours coaching people who were currently in a fixed mindset helping them to break through to the opposite, what DeWick calls a growth mindset. To do this we need to first become aware of the patterns and habits that lock us down and add another link in the invisible chain. Getting started is simple. The work, however is a bit more difficult as it requires some "heavy lifting" emotionally.

To start you need to identify your chains and begin by asking yourself a few questions:

• What is the most important thing you are avoiding right now? 
• What is the most important thing you consistently avoid?
• What is your biggest fear right now?
• How does your nervous system respond to that fear? What are the physical sensations, markers and "tells" that help you know you are feeling fear.? 
• What are your coping mechanisms when you feel fear? What lies do you tell yourself? How do you distract yourself from the fear?
• Now that you have recognized what fear feels like in your body ask yourself when you feel that fear. What situations trigger your fear? When is the fear the most intense? How do you know?
• Finally - what patterns are no longer serving you? What habits have you adopted to respond to fear that are keeping you chained and shackled? 

At this point it's important to recognize the power of a growth mindset. Simply put a growth mindset means that you believe you can achieve and succeed through the right effort and hard work. You are not "smart" or "good" or "bad." Those labels, or the litany of labels you use "fix" you to something and don't allow you to grow. Let me explain further.

When I was younger I was given a fixed mindset by many well intended people. I was told that I was a good artist. While this fixed mindset made me feel good for a short time it became, like all fixed mindsets - a drug that I needed more and more. Like all fixed mindsets when I wasn't creating "good" art I responded like we all do - fight, flight or freeze. When I asked for feedback about a sketch that didn't match up with my "good artist" fixed mindset I would feel upset and either argue with the professor or argue with them in my mind (fight). At times I would stop drawing or painting if things weren't going the way I wanted (flight). When, in an art class my work was critiqued by the teacher or other students and I was pushed to improve I would go silent (freeze). 

As I got older I realized that the fixed mindset I adopted was no longer serving me. Instead of this mindset I adopted a growth mindset and began breaking my invisible chains. Knowing that if I wanted to create a great painting, craft something, build a table or planter box, or simply sketch something that I valued I would have to work at it. Through my hard work I achieve what I want and don't have any need for the fixed mindset I held onto for so many years. The "failures" or different "iterations" are great learning moments for me that push me toward the next steps. 

Finding out what our chains are can be difficult and painful. We have to open up our eyes and become aware of deeply held patterns and beliefs. It can be fearful just thinking about this process, let alone undertaking it. Happily, the process provides its own rewards as we discover the chains. Sometimes the chains are broken simply through awareness. Often, however we need some work to break the old patterns and create new ones.

My challenge to you it dig in. Don't be afraid to call yourself out. As I've said to many a coaching client "once you start to think you are 'the shit' you're probably already smelling like it. Live an examined life by detailing and documenting your current fixed mindset chains. Burn down the old patterns and break the invisible chains by recognizing where you are holding yourself back. I can promise you that a strong sense of confidence and contentment will abide with you when you do. 

Live well and lead on. 

Leader Compass 46 - What is Love?

Happy Valentine's Day! I began writing this post months ago and then never published it because I didn't think it matched with the tone of this blog. But, today I'm feeling a bit sentimental. Love is the driving force for all great men and women and I thought, what the hell...I'm posting it anyway. It's my blog and so I'm putting it out there. Enjoy...or don't..either way I'm not sure I care. Love is powerful and is the key, from my point of view in all things. Leadership, life, relationships, business...you protect and grow what you love. Below are a few of my thoughts. 

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Tonight my bride of almost 21 years and I were on a hike when I was stopped in my tracks as we came down the mountain. The brilliant amber color of the grasses in the foreground, the sun setting in the background and the bright oranges in the leaves around us made me pause. I looked at my wife and said "that view never gets old." We sat for a few minutes and just soaked in the beauty before finishing our hike and grabbing dinner.

Every once in a while I have "that moment" where I'm stopped and taken back as I look in the direction of my beautiful wife. I get taken back and am in awe of her beauty. Her look stops me in my tracks and make me pause and awe at her matchless beauty. Like the mountains, trees and sunsets her beauty never gets old. 

When we were younger I always loved the way my wife looked. The first time I remember thinking she was "cute" was back in Jr High School. Over time both of our "looks" have changed but I never get tired of looking at her. The question is - is my attraction to her beauty love? 

Love is an interesting word in the english language. We use in to describe feeling for spouses, family and chocolate. There really isn't a difference in the word we use even though clearly there is a difference in the meaning of it. How can we truly use the word to that we describe our favorite "thing" to describe the deep emotion we feel toward our children?  

I think that love in our society has been strangely defined and segmented with a multitude of partial thoughts. Lust is often mistaken for love. Romantic love is deified and placed on a high pedestal in our modern society. Romeo and Julliet, those two manic, stupid kids are put up as aspirational figures and romantic love is the thing chased by so many. I read once that some scholars believe Shakespere didn't write Romeo and Juliet as an ideal to be mimicked in daily life, but as a parody to show the ridiculous nature of romantic love. 

Love can be a very powerful emotion, concept and thought in all areas of life. There are many facets of love. Let's look at a few thoughts around love and some of the most powerful forms of love that we may want to cultivate.

Committed Love 

Anyone that has been in any long-term relationship will tell you that romantic love comes and goes and can often be very silly and create many blind spots. Committed love is different. Committed love is a choice. Committed love can often be marked by pausing to preserve...remember, we preserve what we love. 

- Pause to Preserve the Past. Great relationships that are full of love have a positive view of the past. Researchers have found that people who have a positive outlook on thier past time together have greater appreciation and love for each other. This doesn't mean a couple won't have challenges, fights, arguments, etc. It does mean that each individual choses committed love and sees the combined history in a positive way - problems are seen as growth opportunities and great moments of joy and happiness shared are all seen in a positive way. As I look back on our 21 years of marriage and over 30 years of "being in love" there is a maturity and deep level of gratitude that has come from looking back at the time we have had together. 

- Pause to Preserve Gratitude. Gratitude is one characteristic that has the greatest power over many other areas. By fostering gratitude we become more aware of the good things about those in our sphere of love or our sphere of influence. Daily gratitude helps us keep in perspective the many woderful things in life and keeps perspective of ourselves and others in the positive. Gratitude is a concious choice that fosters committed love. 

- Pause to Preserved the Foundation. Trust, honesty and respect are the foundations for all relationships. Love is deepened when we foster the foundation. Showing respect by empathizing, treating others as THEY want to be treated and pausing to listen help to foster a feeling of committed love. Honesty and transparency are important for deep, commited love. Hontesty doesn't always feel good to the other person in the moment, but it does foster trust and committed love in the long run.

Love and Compassion for Self 

Compassion is showing love, showing care for the need of self of others. Compassion for self involves self forgiviness, self care, self investment etc. Compassion for yourself creates a foundation for our ability to love and show love to others. Love of self is a foundation on which we can express true love and appreciation for others. Taking care of our needs is important and essential to developing our ability to show love to others.  

Compassion for Others

Compassion for others means that we have empathy and treat others as they want to be treated. Compassionate love is fostered as we look to serve others and give positive feedback without the desire for anything in return. Compassionate love is tough because we have to first develop the skill of moving aside our own ego and seeing directly from another's point of view.   

Love in Leadership

I believe that any great leader and coach will foster and show love for those they lead and serve. Obviously this love is not romantic or intimate love. The love a leader and coach has for those he or she serves is compassionate in nature. leaders who love have fostered a habit of non-judgement. Coaches who love know that they can't skip the tough conversations because true love as a coach involves the foundation of trust, honesty and respect. Transparancy is crucial to compassionate, leadership love.

Familial Love
Familial love is often the easiest. We see family as those that we are "supposed" to love. The challenge is to ask ourselves how are we showing love to our family, our kids, parents, siblings, etc. and does it match up with what their needs are.

Love is a multi-faceted emotion. There are many more that I won't cover here. I do believe that love is the most powerful force in the world and that, when appropriately fostered can lead to some of the greatest feelings, connections and moments of our lives. Lead on. Love deeply. 

Leader Compass 45 - Own It! The Language and Culture of Accountability

One of the most rare character traits today is that of personal accountability. Blame is so easy. It's simple to select a number or reasons not to take responsibility for one's actions and blame others, outside forces or simply ANYTHING but ourselves.

President Harry Truman kept a sign on his desk that said "The Buck Stops Here." The reference was to the phrase "passing the buck" which means to pass responsibility to someone else. Truman kept the placard on his desk as a reminder to himself and others that he was responsible for his decisions and the consequences of them.

Years ago my parents started a quote book for me as I graduated high school. My dad had one when he was a young man and I read through it often enough that my mom pulled one together for me. Over the years I've accumulated many quotes and ideas in several notebooks and journals. One that was given to me that I didn't really understand until later in life was "when you pick up one end of the stick, you also pick up the other." I'm sure there are many ways to interpret this saying. Here's mine.

We all chose what we do every day. From what we wear, to workout or not, what we eat, to smile or not, the words and phrases we use...everything is a choice. What we can't chose is the consequences of our choices. That's the point...we pick up one end - ours but what we can't chose is the other end - the consequence.

There is a lot or power in this little analogy when it comes to leadership and accountability. This simple statement can change the way you view your interactions and the way you coach your teams. What if, instead of just owning our end of the stick we also own the other end? What if we took on an extreme level of accountability and owned both ends? Let me explain.

Connecting with others can be difficult. Sometimes we don't say the right thing, sometimes we do. How we act and how we are perceived can be two very different things from our point of view. What, however would happen if we owned both the delivery and the reception of our messages. What if we took full accounting for both ends? Would we be quicker to apologize when we have offended? Would we be quicker to adjust when we recognize a poor decision? Would we own our choices and not "pass the buck?" 

Practicing and teaching accountability is much easier than we think. I admit, it requires a bit of practice and a willingness to stay open and not let our egos run the show, but it is remarkably simple.Here are a few keys to adopting the language and culture of accountability.

• Resist Temptation. The "crack cocaine" of emotional relief is passing the buck. When a problem is in front of you resist the temptation to look for blame - don't blame people, the weather or any other outside source. 
• Take Ownership. Use the phrase - "that's mine" or "that's on me" to show yourself and others that you are taking ownership. Something bad happens on your team? "That's on me. I'm the leader and it happened under my watch."
• Use the QBQ Questions. In his book QBQ, The Question Behind the Question John G. Miller challenges that using questions that start with why - "why did this happen?" lead only to blame. Ask the question behind the question. QBQs start with how, what or when. How will I fix this? What will we do to address the problem? When will this be addressed?
• Create a Culture of Accountability. Accountability simply means the ability to account. Create a culture in your workplace and on your team where individuals: 
• Know how to account for their responsibilities and
• Do so regularly
• Kill the Cancer Before if Starts. As a leader it's your job to stop in your mind and in other's words any blame game. Use some of the questions below to refocus and turn from blame to accountability:
• "As you know we have a culture of accountability. How can you think about this problem in that light?"
• "Thank you for your perspective. Instead of asking why, let's use some other questions. What are we going to do? How quickly can we resolve this issue? Who is going to own the fix?"
• "I'm not thinking about this with a full thought. How do I need to see this from an extreme ownership mindset?"
• "Given all the resources we have how can we rectify this challenge?"
• "As the leader of the group this happened under your watch. What are you doing to address the issue now and prevent it from recurring in the future?"
• "I'm confident we are more intelligent than we are showing by playing the blame game. What if we challenge ourselves and take full ownership. How can we utilize our time, talents and energy to address this issue?" 

By taking full accountability and true ownership we expand our emotional intelligence and become more impactful, more intentional and more industrious. What will YOU do to take accountability for your life, your team and your responsibilities? The buck stops with you. Challenge yourself and lead on!  

Leader Compass 44 - Do Less Accomplish More - How to Create Massive Thrust and Achieve Objectives

I'm sure you've never felt stretched too thin. I'm confident you always have every ball you need to juggle perfectly lined up and never drop anything important right? Maybe not. If you are like most you have a tendency to take on too much and lose sight of important priorities.

Ask yourself the following questions to determine if you are currently in a state of ineffective confusion or a massive state of thrust.

1. When you start your day do you have too many competing priorities in your mind that you have a hard time focusing?
2. If pressed, could you answer this question quickly - what it the ONE thing that if you focus on it today would make the largest difference in your business, your team and your results?
3. Are you crystal clear on your focus and have you clearly communicated to your team the key priority for the day, week, month or year?
4. At the end of the day do you wonder "what did I accomplish?" 
5. Are leisure activities creeping in distracting you from your most important need and priority?

The challenge we often run into is we tend to clutter our minds, our schedules and our lives with too much. Too scheduled, less time to be present in the moment. Too many worries, less mind space to create. Too many priorities and none get the appropriate attention. 

Without appropriate focus we can't get any significant thrust and movement in our true priority in life. Note I said our true priority, not priorities. Gaining control and getting thrust requires focus and detail. 

Michelangelo's David is a true masterpiece. It was created by a master who knew how to remove the unnecessary to reveal the true beauty that lay within the marble block. To create a masterpiece in your life you must edit out the things that don't matter right now and only focus on what does. 

As Yvon Chiounard, founder of Patagonia has said "The hardest thing in to do is simplify your life. It's so easy to complicate things." Think about it - were the great masters amazing multi-taskers? Were the best of the best great because they were very "balanced?" No way. The best of the best were and are focused, passionate and perhaps obsessive. All the great thinkers, artists, athletes or business magnates all knew and know one thing - they are the best because they do less but accomplish more.

So the question we need to ask is "how do I create what I want?" How do I gain massive, jet-fighter-like thrust in my life and accomplish more? Let's look at 5 keys to creating thrust. 

1. Discover Your Why. Why do you do what you do? Why are you in business? Why are you a leader? Why did you start doing what you are doing? Why are you you on this earth? Dig deep and then develop a short statement about your why, your mission, and/or your purpose.
2. Get Clear. Determine what you want to accomplish. As a leader what is the most important focus area for your team right now? What is your most important personal focus? Get clear on what you want to accomplish and set a crystal clear objective. 
3. Edit Out. What is wasting your time? What habits do you have that are no longer serving you? What skills are outdated? What are you filling your schedule with that are
   distracting you? Like Michelangelo you need to edit out the non-essentials to create your masterpiece. Make a list and start to edit out the time wasters.
4. Do Less and Obsess. Ask yourself daily "what is the most important thing for me to do today that will move me toward my objective?" Another impact question I ask myself daily is "what will I be most proud of accomplishing at the end of the day?" Scale down and obsess. Commit fully to your growth and know that no one else will get you to your objective. Through passion, focus and obsessive effort you will be well on your way. 
5. Live Examined. Living an examined life is tough. It requires significant time to pause, reflect and examine what you are doing. Regular journal time, accountability conversations with a friend or coach, partnering with peers can all help to keep you accountable in your efforts.  

The 5 keys to thrust will help you move from a state of ineffective confusion to a state of massive thrust. Focused effort can help you develop any skill, improve any area and truly create what you want. Do less, obsess and accomplish more. Lead on!

Leader Compass 43 - Emotional Intelligence and The Bitter Work

Bitter Work
A couple of years ago I injured my knees at work. Walking was painful. Running was impossible and lifting weights was unthinkable. After visiting the doctor and getting an MRI done I worked with some very smart folks to develop a recovery plan. It has been slow going. My legs, which are not naturally large lost more than half their size. Pain came and went off and on as I worked with my team of professionals to get to a point where I could work back to doing activities I love.

After about a year I could hike very easy trails. A year and a half in I could hike intermediate trails, ride a stationary bike without pain and begin simple strength, not just rehabilitative exercises. Some weeks I have no pain, others the pain returns. I've experimented with nutrition, supplementation, exercise, rest, recovery...you name it I've been testing it. Slowly I've been able to begin deadlifting (one of my favorite exercises) again.

Last week I felt great and, with no pain thought I could hit a new high point. It's been over 10 years since I've done a deadlift of over 300 lbs and as I progressed I wondered if today was the day I would do so again.  I felt good. My support (wife and son) were working out with and by me. "I think I can," I thought. I decided to give it a go. Several minutes later...just over 2 years after injuring my knees I walked out of the club having hit a high point with a 300lb. deadlift, my best in over a decade.

Today my knees feel ok...not 100%. The deadlift didn't cause any more pain. But, I'm still not tested in all areas. I haven't tested them in my favorite sport - snowboarding. That will come soon. Overall, however the bitter work is paying off and my strength is improving, my pain is reducing and my performance in all the physical areas that matter to me are moving forward.

As I've reflected on this mile marker I've thought about growth and progression overall, but specifically in progression in our emotional intelligence. What works? What doesn't? Over the years I've coached many people on their emotional intelligence. There are certainly methods that work and many that don't. Like strength in movement emotional strength grows much the same way. Emotional intelligence, resilience and growth comes through trial and error, intelligent practice and testing principles.

The Pain Push Principle
Often in life we have moments or experiences that cause emotional pain, stress and hurt. Whether by consequence of our choice or simply challenges in life converging on us we have all had stress, strain and pain that make it difficult for us to move forward without that tinge of pain. Basic activities can be difficult, things that were enjoyable can feel "off", confusing and difficult. These moments can help us identify gaps in our emotional intelligence (EQ). 

Broadly defined our emotional intelligence is our ability to assess and make mature decisions...being aware of and utilizing emotion as a resource for our maturing. One of the best models I've seen is Daniel Goelman's model and is used in Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves book "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" As you can see from the model developing your EQ comes down to the following:

• Development of your Self Awareness
• Development of your Self Management
• Development of your Social Awareness
• Development of your Relationship Management

Growth in EQ involves living with a large degree of integrity. Simply put integrity is integrating values, thoughts, words and actions. Emotional intelligence growth is, like my knee rehab bitter work. Some days feel better than others. Some weeks are good while others just hurt. Micro-changes over time create habits that build lasting strength and true development.

Pain, if utilized can push us further than we have been before. When I felt the pain in my knees I focused and became more detailed with what I ate, how and when I slept and recovered, who I talked to, what I read and how I moved my body. I became even more discerning, more detailed and put in work in both mind and practice. Emotionally we can and should do the same.

Micro-Loading
As a long time fitness professional I'm no stranger to the concept of micro-loading. Micro loading simply means adding a small amount of load (more weight, another rep or two etc.) each time you do an exercise or training session. For instance, if my last workout involved 5 sets of 6 repetitions on my squats with 200 lbs I would try to increase my weight by 5 lbs and do the same workload. Or, I would keep my weight the same and try to add 1-2 more reps on my next training session.

Over time micro-loading develops strength and habits that last. This strength is more enduring. The process is much the same with our EQ growth. Not comfortable opening up to another person for fear of ridicule? Start small - open up about one feeling (positive or negative) and see how it goes. The next time expand a bit more, be a bit more vulnerable and share something a bit deeper, or share two small items so you can build your ability to be vulnerable. Over time this practice will pay off as you develop your EQ.

DOMS
Beware of a potential off-ramp on the freeway of EQ growth. In strength training there is a term we use called DOMS - delayed onset muscle soreness. Simply put this means that when you have taxed muscles for strength/growth you will be sore in those muscles later on - 12 hours, 24 hours or even 48 hours later. The same is true for your EQ growth. It may be uncomfortable in the moment, but the "soreness" can show up later. Don't be afraid of this...it's part of the process. Recognizing that you are creating new habits through your emotional micro-loading will pay off over time. Stay the course and don't take the off-ramp just because it hurts a bit later on.

Make no mistake, EQ growth is bitter work. It's not always fun, often it's uncomfortable and requires us to adopt many new perspectives and mindsets. It hurts at times, its uncomfortable and often bitter work...but it DOES pay off in greater fulfillment.

What Now?
Here a few simple steps to take to begin or continue the work.

• Assess, don't guess. Buy the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book and take the assessment. The assessment takes less than 5 minutes and will spit out a report complete with suggestions of "micro-loading" you can practice to improve.
• Create accountability. What get's measured grows. Share what you are doing with a friend, start an accountability journal and reflect at the end of each day on how you did with your micro-loading practice. 
• Make it a habit. Remember that willpower is a limited resource. The key to using willpower is to create a habit. Make a habit of your micro-load practices and you will see great growth over time. 
• Know when it's time to kick your own ass and when it's time to give yourself a break. Try this - if YOU were your friend talking to you (out of body experience) when would you need to kick your own ass to get better? When do you need to show patience and give yourself a break? Re-frame your perspective and balance your approach appropriately. 

I'm excited to see how you apply the ideas here in your life. Shoot me a note on your progress and what fulfillment you are seeing. Enjoy the bitter work!

Cheers to your continued growth and development - lead on!

 

Leader Compass 42 - What is Confidence? (READER DISCRETION ADVISED)

Confidence. What is it? In the wake of a true epidemic of suicides throughout our country and the world  I have pondered this question quite often lately. This year alone we have lost celebrities, friends, colleagues and acquaintances to suicide. It is truly tragic. Somehow I think that confidence plays into the equation. Not fake confidence, not bravado, not the "look how cool my life is" bullshit we post online. True confidence. Confidence in you...not Superman, not "God", not your boss, your  friends, your idols or some sort of savior that will swoop in and fix your shit...confidence in YOU.

Before you read any further I warn you this may not be a good post for most of you. This isn't your G, PG or even PG-13 rated post. No pretty pictures or flowery language. If you are offended by strong language and cursing please close your browser now. If not, don't comment, text me or call me later talking to me about it. You've been fairly warned. I'm not holding back on this one and yes, I understand that some say that cursing is just an excuse for a non-creative mind to express itself. Well, to hell with that, this is my most creative and vocal post because I believe sometimes we need to not just introduce the elephant in the room but we need to tell the big piece of shit that he is a piece of shit and to get out. Besides, using taboo words to call out taboo subjects is often the only way to shock the nervous system into true and lasting understanding and change.

Our society has so many wonderful advances in technology. The challenge is that we have moved so damn fast that we have not been able to keep up with it from an emotional intelligence standpoint. We have so much access to people, to ideas, to expression through social media constructs that we have truly convinced ourselves that our online presence...pretty, polished and pre-approved is true. We believe every damn opinion we have matters and that if we don't get enough fucking likes we don't mean anything.

What happened to the days when you said something and it didn't matter...and that was ok? What happened to the bad day that didn't need to be "faked better" by posting some sort of positivity shit online. What happened to the genuine pleasure that came from falling flat on your face, picking your ass up and moving forward?

I'm a jack ass. Those that know me know that. What you may not know is that this fact is true in many respects. When I was younger my dad use to wrap a rope around either me or one of my brothers at the beginning of planting season and we would literally be the jack ass that would pull the plow he would guide behind us. Fall down? Get up and keep going. Legs burning? Didn't matter - keep going. It sucked. Sweat stung the eyes, legs burned and when you fell you'd get cut up and dirty. You know what the crazy part of all the bullshit was? Eating the corn we harvested months later made it all worth it. So what? What did I learn? Well for one I was very weak. I couldn't pull that damn thing for shit! It took all the strength my toothpick legs had to pull the plow. I needed to persevere. I needed to get stronger. My failures made me better. Oh...and I didn't take a perfect picture of the freshly picked, shucked, cooked and buttered corn when we ate it. I actually just enjoyed eating it at our table as we looked out over the garden we picked it from.

I didn't build confidence because my corn looked great or I showed a cool selfie of me after the plowing took place. I gained confidence because I sucked, I was weak and pathetic. On, and did I mention that I'm a piece of shit perfectionist and would beat myself up every time I failed? Yeah, that built confidence too because I realized later on that nothing is life it "perfect." No matter how hard I tried there were and ARE always flaws...to everything.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no expert on confidence. I'm no psychologist or expert on life, living or worse - dying and suicide. I wonder though what would happen if we hit the pause button on the bullshit that fills our egos and "doubled down" as they say on our failures and what we can learn from them. What would happen if we read between the lines and saw the pain in others eyes or their posts and looked to truly give honest, true and constructive (positive AND negative loving) feedback to other? What if we really recognized the shit we sucked at AND the shit we aren't half bad at?

I've read many times that many people live lives "of quiet desperation." The epidemic rise in suicide confirms this statement. So what? What are we going to do? What if we looked deeper? What if we engaged with others sooner? What if we had the guts to tell people genuinely what we liked, valued and appreciated in each other BEFORE it was too late. What if your fucking obituary wasn’t told to you post-humorously? What if you were heralded as a great person before you died and you were told the good stuff usually only saved for your funeral while you could still hear it, while it still mattered.

This year I sat in one of the most impactful and difficult funerals I've been to. A man my age took his own life and left family, friends and children in the wake. Throughout the funeral I heard how often he wrote a card, penned a note or took the time to express how he felt about others. And yet the outflow didn't make a difference on the inflow of how he felt. What if? What if we had the confidence to put our fears aside and truly observe and express how we felt - not your "nobody fucking cares about your pretty food picture" or "nobody fucking cares about your rant" opinions and truly SAW the value in the souls we interact with? How could YOU change the world? How many lives could you lift, elevate and possibly save? I pray we can reverse the trend, develop true confidence in ourselves and others by being the positive, truthful light that makes our world a better place.

Live well. Lead on.

Leader Compass 41 - Courage and Confronting Fear

Recently I've had several conversations with professionals who are working to develop their courage and confronting fears in leadership roles. I thought it may be helpful to discuss some thoughts around courage and the common themes I see when developing a courageous approach to life. 

It's important to remember that none of us was born with courage. Fear is built into our DNA and will always be present to keep us alive. Courage is also situational in nature. You may be courageous to try something new in your personal life but struggle to have a tough conversation professionally. Let's look a bit deeper at courage and how it can go from concept to practice to characteristic. 

Concept To Character

To develop a habit it's important to understand the concept. Once the concept is understood practice provides the framework for mastery. As we practice something we play with the idea over an over again until it becomes characteristic of us. True masters never stop learning or practicing. However, a true master has mastered the basics of the idea in such a way that through continued practice he or she achieves success the majority of the time. 

Courage as Concept

Often we hear of someone performing a courageous act and they lie to us or we lie to ourselves and say that there was no fear in performing the act. Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is action in the face of fear. I'm not courageous when I do the daily tasks that are so easy, so mundane that I've been doing for years. I am courageous when I lean into discomfort and challenge myself to expand in an area that is currently uncomfortable for me. 

Courage as Practice

So, you may be saying, "that's all nice and dandy but how do I get my little chicken shit self to stop running away and truly confront my fears?" Simple. Not easy, but simple. 

1. Identify your fears and limiting beliefs. Get real. Journal your thoughts and what you are running away from. What are you avoiding? What is it that you are not confronting in your personal life, your work life, your relationships and your health? If you were truly honest with yourself what would you call yourself out on?
2. Create a full thought. Often when people get a bit of courage they run forward and fall flat on their face. While there is nothing wrong with trying and failing we could do better by sitting down and working through the problem mentally first. If I feel for instance that I need more love given to me in my intimate relationship I could go tell my partner that "she better give it to me or else." In doing so my half-courage creates more problems than I had originally. But, if I sit down and ask:
1. What can I do...is it me? Asking this helps me understand what I'm doing to create the problem. Most problems in our lives are created at least in some part by the things we do and say. My partner may think she is giving me appropriate love because I haven't fully expressed my needs or what specifically fills up my emotional bank account. 
2. What is the environment or the culture? Understanding the culture is empowering because at this moment we can own the "WE" part of what it going on. Perhaps in my desire to get more love I pull away and just "hope" she will pick up the sign. She, in return does nothing. "WE" have created this together. This creates a culture of non-communication which fosters more misunderstanding. 
3. What can they do? This is the most tricky question. All too often we put the solution on others. If, however I've truly taken the time to dig into the previous questions I can honestly tell my partner that I appreciate when she does certain things and that I would love it if she did them more often. In this way I'm owning my feelings and expectations while giving her an opportunity to partner with me on creating a more loving culture in our relationship.
3. Act quickly. Author and speaker Mel Robbins has a phenomenal concept called the 5 second rule. Just count 5-4-3-2-1 and act. There really is no other secret. Once you've invested the time to get clear and you have your full thought together don't get up from the decision without acting. This creates momentum and allows you to feel a sense of success quickly.
4. Accept failures. You are going to fail. You are going to be bad at what you try until you're not. Fail fast, learn and try again a different way until you succeed.

Following this process takes practice and time. Courage is a quality that can be developed and practiced and, like a muscle is only strong when worked consistently. 

Courage as Characteristic

You've seen them around. Maybe you follow them on social media. Those people who constantly are pushing boundaries and limits that you want to push in positive and uplifting ways. They have, over time and through effort created a habit of being courageous. Like a rope that is made stronger with every string wrapped together your character is wound together with every consistent courageous act. The more you face your fears with grace and dignity the more you develop a characteristic of courage. The act is no longer something you just do, it becomes a part of who you are.

Final Thoughts

In closing I want to point something out. Being loud, obnoxious and overly-opinionated is not courageous. In fact, those loud folks are genuinely, in my experience the most un-courageous people in the group. Through my years of coaching I've seen the loudest, most over-opinionated people crumble, clam up and completely vapor lock when true moments of courage present themselves. If you are one of the loud, the rude, the "know it alls" take a step back and realize that this technique you are using is only masking, deflecting and shielding you from growth. Get out of the box. Stop deflecting and dig deeper. Have the courage to admit you are wrong. Face the inner demons first and stop pointing the finger outward. Only then can you move toward a character of courage. 

Live well and lead on!