A couple of years ago I injured my knees at work. Walking was painful. Running was impossible and lifting weights was unthinkable. After visiting the doctor and getting an MRI done I worked with some very smart folks to develop a recovery plan. It has been slow going. My legs, which are not naturally large lost more than half their size. Pain came and went off and on as I worked with my team of professionals to get to a point where I could work back to doing activities I love.
After about a year I could hike very easy trails. A year and a half in I could hike intermediate trails, ride a stationary bike without pain and begin simple strength, not just rehabilitative exercises. Some weeks I have no pain, others the pain returns. I've experimented with nutrition, supplementation, exercise, rest, recovery...you name it I've been testing it. Slowly I've been able to begin deadlifting (one of my favorite exercises) again.
Last week I felt great and, with no pain thought I could hit a new high point. It's been over 10 years since I've done a deadlift of over 300 lbs and as I progressed I wondered if today was the day I would do so again. I felt good. My support (wife and son) were working out with and by me. "I think I can," I thought. I decided to give it a go. Several minutes later...just over 2 years after injuring my knees I walked out of the club having hit a high point with a 300lb. deadlift, my best in over a decade.
Today my knees feel ok...not 100%. The deadlift didn't cause any more pain. But, I'm still not tested in all areas. I haven't tested them in my favorite sport - snowboarding. That will come soon. Overall, however the bitter work is paying off and my strength is improving, my pain is reducing and my performance in all the physical areas that matter to me are moving forward.
As I've reflected on this mile marker I've thought about growth and progression overall, but specifically in progression in our emotional intelligence. What works? What doesn't? Over the years I've coached many people on their emotional intelligence. There are certainly methods that work and many that don't. Like strength in movement emotional strength grows much the same way. Emotional intelligence, resilience and growth comes through trial and error, intelligent practice and testing principles.
The Pain Push Principle
Often in life we have moments or experiences that cause emotional pain, stress and hurt. Whether by consequence of our choice or simply challenges in life converging on us we have all had stress, strain and pain that make it difficult for us to move forward without that tinge of pain. Basic activities can be difficult, things that were enjoyable can feel "off", confusing and difficult. These moments can help us identify gaps in our emotional intelligence (EQ).
Broadly defined our emotional intelligence is our ability to assess and make mature decisions...being aware of and utilizing emotion as a resource for our maturing. One of the best models I've seen is Daniel Goelman's model and is used in Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves book "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" As you can see from the model developing your EQ comes down to the following:
- Development of your Self Awareness
- Development of your Self Management
- Development of your Social Awareness
- Development of your Relationship Management
Pain, if utilized can push us further than we have been before. When I felt the pain in my knees I focused and became more detailed with what I ate, how and when I slept and recovered, who I talked to, what I read and how I moved my body. I became even more discerning, more detailed and put in work in both mind and practice. Emotionally we can and should do the same.
Micro-Loading
As a long time fitness professional I'm no stranger to the concept of micro-loading. Micro loading simply means adding a small amount of load (more weight, another rep or two etc.) each time you do an exercise or training session. For instance, if my last workout involved 5 sets of 6 repetitions on my squats with 200 lbs I would try to increase my weight by 5 lbs and do the same workload. Or, I would keep my weight the same and try to add 1-2 more reps on my next training session.
Over time micro-loading develops strength and habits that last. This strength is more enduring. The process is much the same with our EQ growth. Not comfortable opening up to another person for fear of ridicule? Start small - open up about one feeling (positive or negative) and see how it goes. The next time expand a bit more, be a bit more vulnerable and share something a bit deeper, or share two small items so you can build your ability to be vulnerable. Over time this practice will pay off as you develop your EQ.
DOMS
Beware of a potential off-ramp on the freeway of EQ growth. In strength training there is a term we use called DOMS - delayed onset muscle soreness. Simply put this means that when you have taxed muscles for strength/growth you will be sore in those muscles later on - 12 hours, 24 hours or even 48 hours later. The same is true for your EQ growth. It may be uncomfortable in the moment, but the "soreness" can show up later. Don't be afraid of this...it's part of the process. Recognizing that you are creating new habits through your emotional micro-loading will pay off over time. Stay the course and don't take the off-ramp just because it hurts a bit later on.
Make no mistake, EQ growth is bitter work. It's not always fun, often it's uncomfortable and requires us to adopt many new perspectives and mindsets. It hurts at times, its uncomfortable and often bitter work...but it DOES pay off in greater fulfillment.
What Now?
Here a few simple steps to take to begin or continue the work.
- Assess, don't guess. Buy the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book and take the assessment. The assessment takes less than 5 minutes and will spit out a report complete with suggestions of "micro-loading" you can practice to improve.
- Create accountability. What get's measured grows. Share what you are doing with a friend, start an accountability journal and reflect at the end of each day on how you did with your micro-loading practice.
- Make it a habit. Remember that willpower is a limited resource. The key to using willpower is to create a habit. Make a habit of your micro-load practices and you will see great growth over time.
- Know when it's time to kick your own ass and when it's time to give yourself a break. Try this - if YOU were your friend talking to you (out of body experience) when would you need to kick your own ass to get better? When do you need to show patience and give yourself a break? Re-frame your perspective and balance your approach appropriately.
I'm excited to see how you apply the ideas here in your life. Shoot me a note on your progress and what fulfillment you are seeing. Enjoy the bitter work!
Cheers to your continued growth and development - lead on!
