Leader's Compass 20 - The Problem You Don't Know You Have

"There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."

- Henry David Thoreau

You have a problem. Your wife knows it. Your co-workers know it. Your husband knows it. Your friends know it. The problem is...you don't know it.

You have a problem. It's bad. What's worse is you don't even know you have the problem. I know you do because I have the same problem...on a regular basis. Let me try to explain.

A few years ago I took a business trip that took me away from my family and friends for about ten days. This was, at the time, the longest I had been away from my wife and kids. At the end of the trip I went to the airport and sat down in a busy terminal. I had two carry on bags. When I sat down I put one bag on the chair to my left and one bag on the chair to my right. Over the next few minutes more and more people filled in the seats around me. As I was reading I noticed a gentleman looking around for a seat. "Move your bags" I thought. I didn't. He moved on.

Based on what I just told you what did my actions express? Here are my observations:

1. I was tired, and more than a little homesick 

2. I saw my need to sit down and rest as very important

3. I made sure to create a barrier between me and anyone else

4. I viewed my need to sit as more important than others needs, and I viewed my desire for privacy as more important than another's need to sit

Yes, my actions were representative of a jerk. Or, frankly I acted like a selfish jerk. Did you notice my problem? It's the same one you have. 

Remember last week when you got home and told your wife about that coworker "who is just so difficult to work with?" "It's her fault that your area is suffering!" 

Remember when you took that parking space from the person that was waiting for it?

What about the time when you had your head buried in your phone when someone else was talking to you?

Or how about last week when you didn't pick up your son's Lego on the floor when you saw it? Later, when you weren't paying attention, you stepped on it with your bare feet. Remember the pain? Remember how you yelled at him for not cleaning up his stuff?

Your problem is the same as mine. It's THE root of all of our problems. You and I have become masters of self deception. In the book Leadership and Self Deception the authors describe this as "being in the box" toward another individual. 

When we are in the box a few things happen:

1. We cause others to be in the box toward us and others

2. We treat people like objects, not human beings with needs, feelings and desires like ours

3. We place blame on others - the box needs justification

4. We do not take personal accountability

5. We try to pretend, use slick tools, skills and tricks to work with people while inside we have a very hollow feeling toward them

6. We try to "fix" people...just like we try to "fix" things

Remember my airport story. Well, as radio broadcaster Paul Harvey use to say..."and now, the rest of the story..." When I denied the thought that came from the small voice of conscience that we all have I had a moment of self betrayal. That moment of self betrayal is what put me in the box. Because I was in the box I needed to feed the box justification. And that's exactly what I did. "That guy looks dirty, and he really smelled bad" I thought to myself. "I'm sure there are some seats somewhere else." When I was in the box I was practically applauding myself...high fiving my self deceived, self betrayed, jerk self for making a wrong decision.

Karma is a beautiful thing and you can imagine who I sat next to on the plane...yep...the smelly guy. At that point I woke up to my box, my betrayal and got out. Stepping out of the box I smiled, pulled out my pack of gum and offered him a peice. We chatted briefly. No, we didn't become best friends or even pen pals (Facebook wasn't around so we didn't become Facebook friends either). I simply steped out of the box by treating him the way he should be treated...as a human being.

You have a problem. Everyone around you knows it. Think the world revolves around you? Think others should jump just because you say so? I mean, c'mon...don't they know who you are?! You have a problem...and it's not the problem you think. I know, because I have the same problem.

***Note: Thanks for reading my blog. This concept is the most powerful concept in leadership, relationships and life. I've found it to be the most life changing concept anyone who works with people for a living, is in a long term relationship or has children can ever learn. To learn more about the box and self deception please pick up Leadership and Self Deception by The Arbinger Institute. Their follow up "prequel" The Anatomy of Peace is a great addition as well and a must read for any parent. I would appreciate reading your comments so please leave them in the section below.***