Performance and Failure...And Why I Paint With Watercolor

Over the weekend I met an artist at an art festival who's work truly inspired me. He, like I works primarily in watercolor. His work was bold, colorful, flowing and textural. His subject matter was carefully selected and he painted what he saw - not what was there - the mark of a true artist.

When I was younger I ran both the 100 and the 400 meters in track. To this day I'll never forget the same uncomfortable feeling I would get as my feet pressed my spikes into the blocks, my knees became indented by the course track and my fingers found their way to a spot just before the starting line. "SET!" My knees shot off the ground, my tail in the air, my eyes fixated forward, my fingers and knuckles pressed into the track and my gut, oh my gut...50 Eagle Scouts couldn't have tied it into better knots...every...single time. It didn't matter if I knew, based on past experience that I could beat everyone in my heat or if I was racing against my toughest competition, my gut was always in shambles. BANG! The gun fired. I pushed off the blocks. I ran. My stomach knots magically disappeared. Every, single, time.

What inspired me most about this young artist was not only his work, but the combination of humility and kindness coupled with the bold style he exhibited in his work. "Here is my cell phone number. Find me on Facebook. I will be your friend. This is my name. It's Russian because I am Russian." The combination of subtlety and boldness was manifest in this great artists work. 

When I first started painting I was drawn to watercolor for a few reasons. First - oil painting stunk. I really couldn't stand the smell of the oils. Second - there is a flow and beauty with watercolor that you can't get with other media. And finally - the majority of people I talked to said that it was the hardest to learn, the most unforgiving and because of that the most difficult to master. That last statement alone was enough to convince me that I was going to learn watercolor and learn it well. I wanted to master the media that people told me was the toughest.

One of the things I've learned from practicing watercolor painting over the past 23 years is that there is both a fluidity and unforgiving nature to watercolor that make it both unnerving and exhilarating to use. As I have spent the past 20 or so years in and out of various leadership roles I've found that the same feeling I had when running track, the same knotted stomach I get when I start a painting comes whenever I go into a leadership opportunity. "Why," I've wondered? Why is it that when I take off "manager hat" and put on the "leadership cap" I get the uneasy feeling? I've pondered that over the years and think I've found the answer - performance and failure.

In management you set systems, manage controllables, oversee processes. In leadership you inspire others, mobilize their talents and, like the unforgiving watercolor or short sprint race get immediate feedback in the form of people's movement and speed of movement on your performance. Inspiring others is not easy. It's partially dependent on you and your ability to persuade. It's partially dependent on those around you and the moods they bring. Cold and flu? Upset stomach or headache? Nagging spouse that annoyed the person in front of you prior to you meeting with them? These factors are out of your control. You may give the most powerful, convincing monologue of your life and yet if the person across from you doesn't want it to be a dialogue it won't be.

The fear of the unknown is what tends to tie our gut in knots. We care, otherwise we couldn't be classified as leaders. We could say "it's only business," but then we have taken the leadership hat off and put on the cold, calculating hat of management.

The fear of what happens with the first brush stroke, the fear of what happens before the gun goes off is both natural and necessary in our leadership situations. The leader paints, he runs, she leads, despite the knots in the stomach. He does not stay at the starting line. She does not stare at a blank sheet of paper. He does not avoid the issues at hand. She confronts the issues in spite of the knots and realizes that the knots only mean what they meant way back when I was crouched over, my feet pressing my spikes into the blocks, my knees becoming indented by the course track and my fingers finding their way to a spot just before the starting line. It means performance matters. Leaders perform. That is the nature of leadership. They perform in getting people to follow them. If not, they have no one to lead and they have not performed and thus would not be considered a leader. Leaders find a way. Leaders run hard. Leaders paint boldly. Finally, leaders fail. Leaders lose the race sometimes. They paint a bad painting from time to time. They say something or do something that is taken the wrong way. They unintentionally hurt. Leaders fail, and then they race again, they paint more, they converse more passionately until they win. 

In conclusion I could write "don't be afraid of failure" just like I could write don't ever go to the bathroom anymore. Neither instance would you be able to follow my horrible advice. What advice I can give you is to act. When the gun goes off run your hardest. When a blank paper is in front of you drop some paint on it. When you are called on to lead, lead. When you do I can promise you this: First, you will fail. Second, if you are persistent, develop skills and run MANY races, you will eventually win. Lead on! Run on! Paint boldly!

Leader's Compass 25 - What type of animal are you...a Feeldo or a Dofeel?

I'm writing this post while sitting in our little breakfast nook sipping on my earl grey and pondering the duality of the human soul. Each of us is made up of two parts - the spiritual or ethereal and the physical or material. Our unseen portion is typically who we refer to when we make statements like "I" have a headache. The "I" we are referring to is not our physical body, but rather the unseen portion of our existence. Who's head hurts? Mine. You can't see me though, but I do own the material space in which I dwell.

As leaders whether in business or another important part of life it's important to understand the duality of human nature and to be cognizant of who is in the drivers seat. Navigating life's twists and turns can be better done when we control which driver we chose to place in the drivers seat.

Spiritual in the reference I'm talking about has nothing to do with religion, a set of beliefs or a scripture of dogma a person may follow. Spiritual simply means that which the eye can not see. Everything in this world has a spiritual creation prior to its physical. A building must have a creative idea generated in the unseen mind of the designer. Then the plan must be created on paper or in a computer program prior to any physical work of digging a foundation, placing footings or framing walls are done. In physical creation the spiritual always proceeds the physical.

Because of this natural law - the spiritual creation preceeding the physical creation - there can be a tendency in our lives to make decisions on another unseen force - emotion. There is an old saying that states when you pick up one end of the stick you also pick up the other end. The question posed in this post is what end of the stick should you pick up - the dofeel or the feeldo?

When making daily decisions there are two ethereal or spiritual pulls that influence our decisions - thought and emotion. When you wake up in the morning and the brain reminds you that you have your exercise program to do you are pulled one way. When your emotions weigh in and say "but it feels so good to just lay here" you are pulled a different way. Who do you listen to? The logical dofeel that says if you do this then you will feel that? The emotional feeldo that says I feel this so do that? The feeldos and the dofeels are essentially two sides of the same coin - they are two halves in your dual makeup that entice you to take action.

Which portion of yourself you choose to follow habitually will determine who and what you become. Many religious types have taken our dual nature and segregated it into an external battle - god on one hand and the devil on the other. The reality is this daily choice, this daily battle happens internally, it's the push and pull that naturally occurs within between our two halves. Why is this important to recognize? Because a life lived with personal accountability is a life that does not blame an outside source for our choices. I am responsible. I am accountable. I choose. I make my own destiny based on my choices. No outside temptation by an entity controls my choice. I may be enticed, coerced, persuaded, seduced by a choice but ultimately I make my decision.

Let's look for a moment at both entities - the feeldos and the dofeels. The dofeels recognize that when they take action the action brings a feeling. For instance when the alarm goes off the dofeel rises and moves toward the dresser to put on his exercise clothes and goes for the run. Regardless of how he feels now he knows he will feel better after he does his exercise program. He chooses the end of the stick with emotion on the far end rather than the one closest to him. How do you think he will chose to handle his interactions with others in business? What will his decision making process lead him to in his leadership responsibilities? What will the dofeel become by creating this habit?

Now let's look at the opposite side of the coin. The feeldos feel something and act based on the feeling. The alarm goes off and the feeldo feels like it may be better to stay in the warm bed. After all, "I can always exercise tomorrow" the feeldo says to himself. After sleeping in a little longer the feeldo needs his coffee and Danish to get him going because he feels like it sounds good. The feeldo chooses the end of the stick with emotion on the close end rather than the one furthest from him. How do you think he will chose to handle his interactions with others in business? What will his decision making process lead him to in his leadership responsibilities? What will the feeldo become by creating this habit?

As leaders whether in business or another important part of life it's important to understand the duality of human nature and to be cognizant of who is in the drivers seat. Navigating life's twists and turns can be better done when we control which driver we chose to place in the drivers seat. We choose daily, hourly whether we will be a do-feel or a feel-do. The driver determines our personal and professional leadership success. So, who do you want to be today?