Performance and Failure...And Why I Paint With Watercolor

Over the weekend I met an artist at an art festival who's work truly inspired me. He, like I works primarily in watercolor. His work was bold, colorful, flowing and textural. His subject matter was carefully selected and he painted what he saw - not what was there - the mark of a true artist.

When I was younger I ran both the 100 and the 400 meters in track. To this day I'll never forget the same uncomfortable feeling I would get as my feet pressed my spikes into the blocks, my knees became indented by the course track and my fingers found their way to a spot just before the starting line. "SET!" My knees shot off the ground, my tail in the air, my eyes fixated forward, my fingers and knuckles pressed into the track and my gut, oh my gut...50 Eagle Scouts couldn't have tied it into better knots...every...single time. It didn't matter if I knew, based on past experience that I could beat everyone in my heat or if I was racing against my toughest competition, my gut was always in shambles. BANG! The gun fired. I pushed off the blocks. I ran. My stomach knots magically disappeared. Every, single, time.

What inspired me most about this young artist was not only his work, but the combination of humility and kindness coupled with the bold style he exhibited in his work. "Here is my cell phone number. Find me on Facebook. I will be your friend. This is my name. It's Russian because I am Russian." The combination of subtlety and boldness was manifest in this great artists work. 

When I first started painting I was drawn to watercolor for a few reasons. First - oil painting stunk. I really couldn't stand the smell of the oils. Second - there is a flow and beauty with watercolor that you can't get with other media. And finally - the majority of people I talked to said that it was the hardest to learn, the most unforgiving and because of that the most difficult to master. That last statement alone was enough to convince me that I was going to learn watercolor and learn it well. I wanted to master the media that people told me was the toughest.

One of the things I've learned from practicing watercolor painting over the past 23 years is that there is both a fluidity and unforgiving nature to watercolor that make it both unnerving and exhilarating to use. As I have spent the past 20 or so years in and out of various leadership roles I've found that the same feeling I had when running track, the same knotted stomach I get when I start a painting comes whenever I go into a leadership opportunity. "Why," I've wondered? Why is it that when I take off "manager hat" and put on the "leadership cap" I get the uneasy feeling? I've pondered that over the years and think I've found the answer - performance and failure.

In management you set systems, manage controllables, oversee processes. In leadership you inspire others, mobilize their talents and, like the unforgiving watercolor or short sprint race get immediate feedback in the form of people's movement and speed of movement on your performance. Inspiring others is not easy. It's partially dependent on you and your ability to persuade. It's partially dependent on those around you and the moods they bring. Cold and flu? Upset stomach or headache? Nagging spouse that annoyed the person in front of you prior to you meeting with them? These factors are out of your control. You may give the most powerful, convincing monologue of your life and yet if the person across from you doesn't want it to be a dialogue it won't be.

The fear of the unknown is what tends to tie our gut in knots. We care, otherwise we couldn't be classified as leaders. We could say "it's only business," but then we have taken the leadership hat off and put on the cold, calculating hat of management.

The fear of what happens with the first brush stroke, the fear of what happens before the gun goes off is both natural and necessary in our leadership situations. The leader paints, he runs, she leads, despite the knots in the stomach. He does not stay at the starting line. She does not stare at a blank sheet of paper. He does not avoid the issues at hand. She confronts the issues in spite of the knots and realizes that the knots only mean what they meant way back when I was crouched over, my feet pressing my spikes into the blocks, my knees becoming indented by the course track and my fingers finding their way to a spot just before the starting line. It means performance matters. Leaders perform. That is the nature of leadership. They perform in getting people to follow them. If not, they have no one to lead and they have not performed and thus would not be considered a leader. Leaders find a way. Leaders run hard. Leaders paint boldly. Finally, leaders fail. Leaders lose the race sometimes. They paint a bad painting from time to time. They say something or do something that is taken the wrong way. They unintentionally hurt. Leaders fail, and then they race again, they paint more, they converse more passionately until they win. 

In conclusion I could write "don't be afraid of failure" just like I could write don't ever go to the bathroom anymore. Neither instance would you be able to follow my horrible advice. What advice I can give you is to act. When the gun goes off run your hardest. When a blank paper is in front of you drop some paint on it. When you are called on to lead, lead. When you do I can promise you this: First, you will fail. Second, if you are persistent, develop skills and run MANY races, you will eventually win. Lead on! Run on! Paint boldly!