Leader Compass 43 - Emotional Intelligence and The Bitter Work

Bitter Work
A couple of years ago I injured my knees at work. Walking was painful. Running was impossible and lifting weights was unthinkable. After visiting the doctor and getting an MRI done I worked with some very smart folks to develop a recovery plan. It has been slow going. My legs, which are not naturally large lost more than half their size. Pain came and went off and on as I worked with my team of professionals to get to a point where I could work back to doing activities I love.

After about a year I could hike very easy trails. A year and a half in I could hike intermediate trails, ride a stationary bike without pain and begin simple strength, not just rehabilitative exercises. Some weeks I have no pain, others the pain returns. I've experimented with nutrition, supplementation, exercise, rest, recovery...you name it I've been testing it. Slowly I've been able to begin deadlifting (one of my favorite exercises) again.

Last week I felt great and, with no pain thought I could hit a new high point. It's been over 10 years since I've done a deadlift of over 300 lbs and as I progressed I wondered if today was the day I would do so again.  I felt good. My support (wife and son) were working out with and by me. "I think I can," I thought. I decided to give it a go. Several minutes later...just over 2 years after injuring my knees I walked out of the club having hit a high point with a 300lb. deadlift, my best in over a decade.

Today my knees feel ok...not 100%. The deadlift didn't cause any more pain. But, I'm still not tested in all areas. I haven't tested them in my favorite sport - snowboarding. That will come soon. Overall, however the bitter work is paying off and my strength is improving, my pain is reducing and my performance in all the physical areas that matter to me are moving forward.

As I've reflected on this mile marker I've thought about growth and progression overall, but specifically in progression in our emotional intelligence. What works? What doesn't? Over the years I've coached many people on their emotional intelligence. There are certainly methods that work and many that don't. Like strength in movement emotional strength grows much the same way. Emotional intelligence, resilience and growth comes through trial and error, intelligent practice and testing principles.

The Pain Push Principle
Often in life we have moments or experiences that cause emotional pain, stress and hurt. Whether by consequence of our choice or simply challenges in life converging on us we have all had stress, strain and pain that make it difficult for us to move forward without that tinge of pain. Basic activities can be difficult, things that were enjoyable can feel "off", confusing and difficult. These moments can help us identify gaps in our emotional intelligence (EQ). 

Broadly defined our emotional intelligence is our ability to assess and make mature decisions...being aware of and utilizing emotion as a resource for our maturing. One of the best models I've seen is Daniel Goelman's model and is used in Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves book "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" As you can see from the model developing your EQ comes down to the following:

• Development of your Self Awareness
• Development of your Self Management
• Development of your Social Awareness
• Development of your Relationship Management

Growth in EQ involves living with a large degree of integrity. Simply put integrity is integrating values, thoughts, words and actions. Emotional intelligence growth is, like my knee rehab bitter work. Some days feel better than others. Some weeks are good while others just hurt. Micro-changes over time create habits that build lasting strength and true development.

Pain, if utilized can push us further than we have been before. When I felt the pain in my knees I focused and became more detailed with what I ate, how and when I slept and recovered, who I talked to, what I read and how I moved my body. I became even more discerning, more detailed and put in work in both mind and practice. Emotionally we can and should do the same.

Micro-Loading
As a long time fitness professional I'm no stranger to the concept of micro-loading. Micro loading simply means adding a small amount of load (more weight, another rep or two etc.) each time you do an exercise or training session. For instance, if my last workout involved 5 sets of 6 repetitions on my squats with 200 lbs I would try to increase my weight by 5 lbs and do the same workload. Or, I would keep my weight the same and try to add 1-2 more reps on my next training session.

Over time micro-loading develops strength and habits that last. This strength is more enduring. The process is much the same with our EQ growth. Not comfortable opening up to another person for fear of ridicule? Start small - open up about one feeling (positive or negative) and see how it goes. The next time expand a bit more, be a bit more vulnerable and share something a bit deeper, or share two small items so you can build your ability to be vulnerable. Over time this practice will pay off as you develop your EQ.

DOMS
Beware of a potential off-ramp on the freeway of EQ growth. In strength training there is a term we use called DOMS - delayed onset muscle soreness. Simply put this means that when you have taxed muscles for strength/growth you will be sore in those muscles later on - 12 hours, 24 hours or even 48 hours later. The same is true for your EQ growth. It may be uncomfortable in the moment, but the "soreness" can show up later. Don't be afraid of this...it's part of the process. Recognizing that you are creating new habits through your emotional micro-loading will pay off over time. Stay the course and don't take the off-ramp just because it hurts a bit later on.

Make no mistake, EQ growth is bitter work. It's not always fun, often it's uncomfortable and requires us to adopt many new perspectives and mindsets. It hurts at times, its uncomfortable and often bitter work...but it DOES pay off in greater fulfillment.

What Now?
Here a few simple steps to take to begin or continue the work.

• Assess, don't guess. Buy the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book and take the assessment. The assessment takes less than 5 minutes and will spit out a report complete with suggestions of "micro-loading" you can practice to improve.
• Create accountability. What get's measured grows. Share what you are doing with a friend, start an accountability journal and reflect at the end of each day on how you did with your micro-loading practice. 
• Make it a habit. Remember that willpower is a limited resource. The key to using willpower is to create a habit. Make a habit of your micro-load practices and you will see great growth over time. 
• Know when it's time to kick your own ass and when it's time to give yourself a break. Try this - if YOU were your friend talking to you (out of body experience) when would you need to kick your own ass to get better? When do you need to show patience and give yourself a break? Re-frame your perspective and balance your approach appropriately. 

I'm excited to see how you apply the ideas here in your life. Shoot me a note on your progress and what fulfillment you are seeing. Enjoy the bitter work!

Cheers to your continued growth and development - lead on!

 

Leader Compass 42 - What is Confidence? (READER DISCRETION ADVISED)

Confidence. What is it? In the wake of a true epidemic of suicides throughout our country and the world  I have pondered this question quite often lately. This year alone we have lost celebrities, friends, colleagues and acquaintances to suicide. It is truly tragic. Somehow I think that confidence plays into the equation. Not fake confidence, not bravado, not the "look how cool my life is" bullshit we post online. True confidence. Confidence in you...not Superman, not "God", not your boss, your  friends, your idols or some sort of savior that will swoop in and fix your shit...confidence in YOU.

Before you read any further I warn you this may not be a good post for most of you. This isn't your G, PG or even PG-13 rated post. No pretty pictures or flowery language. If you are offended by strong language and cursing please close your browser now. If not, don't comment, text me or call me later talking to me about it. You've been fairly warned. I'm not holding back on this one and yes, I understand that some say that cursing is just an excuse for a non-creative mind to express itself. Well, to hell with that, this is my most creative and vocal post because I believe sometimes we need to not just introduce the elephant in the room but we need to tell the big piece of shit that he is a piece of shit and to get out. Besides, using taboo words to call out taboo subjects is often the only way to shock the nervous system into true and lasting understanding and change.

Our society has so many wonderful advances in technology. The challenge is that we have moved so damn fast that we have not been able to keep up with it from an emotional intelligence standpoint. We have so much access to people, to ideas, to expression through social media constructs that we have truly convinced ourselves that our online presence...pretty, polished and pre-approved is true. We believe every damn opinion we have matters and that if we don't get enough fucking likes we don't mean anything.

What happened to the days when you said something and it didn't matter...and that was ok? What happened to the bad day that didn't need to be "faked better" by posting some sort of positivity shit online. What happened to the genuine pleasure that came from falling flat on your face, picking your ass up and moving forward?

I'm a jack ass. Those that know me know that. What you may not know is that this fact is true in many respects. When I was younger my dad use to wrap a rope around either me or one of my brothers at the beginning of planting season and we would literally be the jack ass that would pull the plow he would guide behind us. Fall down? Get up and keep going. Legs burning? Didn't matter - keep going. It sucked. Sweat stung the eyes, legs burned and when you fell you'd get cut up and dirty. You know what the crazy part of all the bullshit was? Eating the corn we harvested months later made it all worth it. So what? What did I learn? Well for one I was very weak. I couldn't pull that damn thing for shit! It took all the strength my toothpick legs had to pull the plow. I needed to persevere. I needed to get stronger. My failures made me better. Oh...and I didn't take a perfect picture of the freshly picked, shucked, cooked and buttered corn when we ate it. I actually just enjoyed eating it at our table as we looked out over the garden we picked it from.

I didn't build confidence because my corn looked great or I showed a cool selfie of me after the plowing took place. I gained confidence because I sucked, I was weak and pathetic. On, and did I mention that I'm a piece of shit perfectionist and would beat myself up every time I failed? Yeah, that built confidence too because I realized later on that nothing is life it "perfect." No matter how hard I tried there were and ARE always flaws...to everything.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no expert on confidence. I'm no psychologist or expert on life, living or worse - dying and suicide. I wonder though what would happen if we hit the pause button on the bullshit that fills our egos and "doubled down" as they say on our failures and what we can learn from them. What would happen if we read between the lines and saw the pain in others eyes or their posts and looked to truly give honest, true and constructive (positive AND negative loving) feedback to other? What if we really recognized the shit we sucked at AND the shit we aren't half bad at?

I've read many times that many people live lives "of quiet desperation." The epidemic rise in suicide confirms this statement. So what? What are we going to do? What if we looked deeper? What if we engaged with others sooner? What if we had the guts to tell people genuinely what we liked, valued and appreciated in each other BEFORE it was too late. What if your fucking obituary wasn’t told to you post-humorously? What if you were heralded as a great person before you died and you were told the good stuff usually only saved for your funeral while you could still hear it, while it still mattered.

This year I sat in one of the most impactful and difficult funerals I've been to. A man my age took his own life and left family, friends and children in the wake. Throughout the funeral I heard how often he wrote a card, penned a note or took the time to express how he felt about others. And yet the outflow didn't make a difference on the inflow of how he felt. What if? What if we had the confidence to put our fears aside and truly observe and express how we felt - not your "nobody fucking cares about your pretty food picture" or "nobody fucking cares about your rant" opinions and truly SAW the value in the souls we interact with? How could YOU change the world? How many lives could you lift, elevate and possibly save? I pray we can reverse the trend, develop true confidence in ourselves and others by being the positive, truthful light that makes our world a better place.

Live well. Lead on.

Leader Compass 41 - Courage and Confronting Fear

Recently I've had several conversations with professionals who are working to develop their courage and confronting fears in leadership roles. I thought it may be helpful to discuss some thoughts around courage and the common themes I see when developing a courageous approach to life. 

It's important to remember that none of us was born with courage. Fear is built into our DNA and will always be present to keep us alive. Courage is also situational in nature. You may be courageous to try something new in your personal life but struggle to have a tough conversation professionally. Let's look a bit deeper at courage and how it can go from concept to practice to characteristic. 

Concept To Character

To develop a habit it's important to understand the concept. Once the concept is understood practice provides the framework for mastery. As we practice something we play with the idea over an over again until it becomes characteristic of us. True masters never stop learning or practicing. However, a true master has mastered the basics of the idea in such a way that through continued practice he or she achieves success the majority of the time. 

Courage as Concept

Often we hear of someone performing a courageous act and they lie to us or we lie to ourselves and say that there was no fear in performing the act. Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is action in the face of fear. I'm not courageous when I do the daily tasks that are so easy, so mundane that I've been doing for years. I am courageous when I lean into discomfort and challenge myself to expand in an area that is currently uncomfortable for me. 

Courage as Practice

So, you may be saying, "that's all nice and dandy but how do I get my little chicken shit self to stop running away and truly confront my fears?" Simple. Not easy, but simple. 

1. Identify your fears and limiting beliefs. Get real. Journal your thoughts and what you are running away from. What are you avoiding? What is it that you are not confronting in your personal life, your work life, your relationships and your health? If you were truly honest with yourself what would you call yourself out on?
2. Create a full thought. Often when people get a bit of courage they run forward and fall flat on their face. While there is nothing wrong with trying and failing we could do better by sitting down and working through the problem mentally first. If I feel for instance that I need more love given to me in my intimate relationship I could go tell my partner that "she better give it to me or else." In doing so my half-courage creates more problems than I had originally. But, if I sit down and ask:
1. What can I do...is it me? Asking this helps me understand what I'm doing to create the problem. Most problems in our lives are created at least in some part by the things we do and say. My partner may think she is giving me appropriate love because I haven't fully expressed my needs or what specifically fills up my emotional bank account. 
2. What is the environment or the culture? Understanding the culture is empowering because at this moment we can own the "WE" part of what it going on. Perhaps in my desire to get more love I pull away and just "hope" she will pick up the sign. She, in return does nothing. "WE" have created this together. This creates a culture of non-communication which fosters more misunderstanding. 
3. What can they do? This is the most tricky question. All too often we put the solution on others. If, however I've truly taken the time to dig into the previous questions I can honestly tell my partner that I appreciate when she does certain things and that I would love it if she did them more often. In this way I'm owning my feelings and expectations while giving her an opportunity to partner with me on creating a more loving culture in our relationship.
3. Act quickly. Author and speaker Mel Robbins has a phenomenal concept called the 5 second rule. Just count 5-4-3-2-1 and act. There really is no other secret. Once you've invested the time to get clear and you have your full thought together don't get up from the decision without acting. This creates momentum and allows you to feel a sense of success quickly.
4. Accept failures. You are going to fail. You are going to be bad at what you try until you're not. Fail fast, learn and try again a different way until you succeed.

Following this process takes practice and time. Courage is a quality that can be developed and practiced and, like a muscle is only strong when worked consistently. 

Courage as Characteristic

You've seen them around. Maybe you follow them on social media. Those people who constantly are pushing boundaries and limits that you want to push in positive and uplifting ways. They have, over time and through effort created a habit of being courageous. Like a rope that is made stronger with every string wrapped together your character is wound together with every consistent courageous act. The more you face your fears with grace and dignity the more you develop a characteristic of courage. The act is no longer something you just do, it becomes a part of who you are.

Final Thoughts

In closing I want to point something out. Being loud, obnoxious and overly-opinionated is not courageous. In fact, those loud folks are genuinely, in my experience the most un-courageous people in the group. Through my years of coaching I've seen the loudest, most over-opinionated people crumble, clam up and completely vapor lock when true moments of courage present themselves. If you are one of the loud, the rude, the "know it alls" take a step back and realize that this technique you are using is only masking, deflecting and shielding you from growth. Get out of the box. Stop deflecting and dig deeper. Have the courage to admit you are wrong. Face the inner demons first and stop pointing the finger outward. Only then can you move toward a character of courage. 

Live well and lead on! 

Leader’s Compass 40 - What Should I Read

Often I’m asked what books I think are essential for new leaders. Below are a few essential reads for any leader.

1. EQ 2.0

2. Leadership and Self Deception 

3. Extreme Ownership 

4. Strengths Finder 2.0

5. Mindset

EQ 2.0

This book is one of the most simple constructs when it comes to emotional intelligence. The book has a code that allows you to take a very short (less than 5 minute) assessment. The assessment scores you in each of the four EQ quadrants and walks you through a simple plan to improve. By far this is THE starter as your EQ is a stronger determinant to your success thank your IQ.

Leadership and Self Deception 

There is no better book about the way we deceive ourselves. This books teaches while telling a story. It’s engaging and enlightening while deeply educating and promoting reflection and living and examined life. 

Extreme Ownership

I used to recommend QBQ as the “accountability” book until I read this book. Extreme Ownership details the importance of full ownership of every aspect of life, work and performance. Strong words, strong message and an impactful read.

Strengths Finder 2.0

Gallup has done a nice job with this small book. Similar to EQ 2.0 there is a code in the book that leads you through an assessment to determine your strengths and what your “themes” are. 

Mindset

Carol Dewick has developed a masterful, albeit repetitive book about the simple breakdown of how we think. She poses we have one of two mindsets - a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. Complete with examples and research Dewick also shows how to develop a growth mindset that will ensure consistent development.

Take a look and let me know what you think. Take it slow and work to master the concepts and I promise you, like me will benefit greatly not just from the reading but from the hard work.

Lead on!