Leader Compass 41 - Courage and Confronting Fear

Recently I've had several conversations with professionals who are working to develop their courage and confronting fears in leadership roles. I thought it may be helpful to discuss some thoughts around courage and the common themes I see when developing a courageous approach to life. 

It's important to remember that none of us was born with courage. Fear is built into our DNA and will always be present to keep us alive. Courage is also situational in nature. You may be courageous to try something new in your personal life but struggle to have a tough conversation professionally. Let's look a bit deeper at courage and how it can go from concept to practice to characteristic. 

Concept To Character

To develop a habit it's important to understand the concept. Once the concept is understood practice provides the framework for mastery. As we practice something we play with the idea over an over again until it becomes characteristic of us. True masters never stop learning or practicing. However, a true master has mastered the basics of the idea in such a way that through continued practice he or she achieves success the majority of the time. 

Courage as Concept

Often we hear of someone performing a courageous act and they lie to us or we lie to ourselves and say that there was no fear in performing the act. Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is action in the face of fear. I'm not courageous when I do the daily tasks that are so easy, so mundane that I've been doing for years. I am courageous when I lean into discomfort and challenge myself to expand in an area that is currently uncomfortable for me. 

Courage as Practice

So, you may be saying, "that's all nice and dandy but how do I get my little chicken shit self to stop running away and truly confront my fears?" Simple. Not easy, but simple. 

1. Identify your fears and limiting beliefs. Get real. Journal your thoughts and what you are running away from. What are you avoiding? What is it that you are not confronting in your personal life, your work life, your relationships and your health? If you were truly honest with yourself what would you call yourself out on?
2. Create a full thought. Often when people get a bit of courage they run forward and fall flat on their face. While there is nothing wrong with trying and failing we could do better by sitting down and working through the problem mentally first. If I feel for instance that I need more love given to me in my intimate relationship I could go tell my partner that "she better give it to me or else." In doing so my half-courage creates more problems than I had originally. But, if I sit down and ask:
1. What can I do...is it me? Asking this helps me understand what I'm doing to create the problem. Most problems in our lives are created at least in some part by the things we do and say. My partner may think she is giving me appropriate love because I haven't fully expressed my needs or what specifically fills up my emotional bank account. 
2. What is the environment or the culture? Understanding the culture is empowering because at this moment we can own the "WE" part of what it going on. Perhaps in my desire to get more love I pull away and just "hope" she will pick up the sign. She, in return does nothing. "WE" have created this together. This creates a culture of non-communication which fosters more misunderstanding. 
3. What can they do? This is the most tricky question. All too often we put the solution on others. If, however I've truly taken the time to dig into the previous questions I can honestly tell my partner that I appreciate when she does certain things and that I would love it if she did them more often. In this way I'm owning my feelings and expectations while giving her an opportunity to partner with me on creating a more loving culture in our relationship.
3. Act quickly. Author and speaker Mel Robbins has a phenomenal concept called the 5 second rule. Just count 5-4-3-2-1 and act. There really is no other secret. Once you've invested the time to get clear and you have your full thought together don't get up from the decision without acting. This creates momentum and allows you to feel a sense of success quickly.
4. Accept failures. You are going to fail. You are going to be bad at what you try until you're not. Fail fast, learn and try again a different way until you succeed.

Following this process takes practice and time. Courage is a quality that can be developed and practiced and, like a muscle is only strong when worked consistently. 

Courage as Characteristic

You've seen them around. Maybe you follow them on social media. Those people who constantly are pushing boundaries and limits that you want to push in positive and uplifting ways. They have, over time and through effort created a habit of being courageous. Like a rope that is made stronger with every string wrapped together your character is wound together with every consistent courageous act. The more you face your fears with grace and dignity the more you develop a characteristic of courage. The act is no longer something you just do, it becomes a part of who you are.

Final Thoughts

In closing I want to point something out. Being loud, obnoxious and overly-opinionated is not courageous. In fact, those loud folks are genuinely, in my experience the most un-courageous people in the group. Through my years of coaching I've seen the loudest, most over-opinionated people crumble, clam up and completely vapor lock when true moments of courage present themselves. If you are one of the loud, the rude, the "know it alls" take a step back and realize that this technique you are using is only masking, deflecting and shielding you from growth. Get out of the box. Stop deflecting and dig deeper. Have the courage to admit you are wrong. Face the inner demons first and stop pointing the finger outward. Only then can you move toward a character of courage. 

Live well and lead on!