Leader Compass 47 - Breaking the Invisible Chains

In his classic work "A Christmas Carol", Charles Dickens wrote of the spirit Jacob Marley, former business partner to Ebeneezer Scrooge who, when visiting Scrooge explained that the chains he wore were those he forged in life. Continuing on Marley explained that Scrooge wears his own chains but that they are invisible to him right now.

Dickens writings are a welcome wake up to us that each day we carry chains we forge in life with our actions, and, like Scrooge we are often unaware of the weight of which these chains drag us down. The challenge we all have is not merely in ridding ourselves of the chains, but first in recognizing that we carry them!

Our invisible chains are forged by habits and patterns that appear in our everyday life. They are the chains we forge in times of stress and/or intense focus. Motivational guru and speaker Anthony Robbins warns people to "be careful" of what they focus on when they are in a peak (high emotional) state. The focus, good or bad will either forge another link in the invisible chain or can lead to breaking the chain and liberating us from it's weight.

Peak emotional states are both negative and positive. A peak state of sadness alters our nervous system and we begin to feel emotion in a very unique and deep way. Joy, on the other end is the same. This peak state alters our nervous system and heightens our experience in the moment. What we focus on during each state links things (thoughts, moments, people, bias etc) to that peak state. Left unchecked these linkages lead to an unconscious pattern we begin to repeat over and over again. Left unchecked over time the patterns and habits become part of our character. Left unchecked even further and we become deeply self deceived. That belief, turned habit, turned character is now "me" in the self-deceived mind.

Once in this great state of self deception we continue to feed what researcher and author Carol DeWick describes in her book Mindset as a "fixed mindset." Once we are in a fixed mindset we have become like Scrooge...carrying the chains that are invisible to us but weigh us down with great force.

Over the years I've spent countless hours coaching people who were currently in a fixed mindset helping them to break through to the opposite, what DeWick calls a growth mindset. To do this we need to first become aware of the patterns and habits that lock us down and add another link in the invisible chain. Getting started is simple. The work, however is a bit more difficult as it requires some "heavy lifting" emotionally.

To start you need to identify your chains and begin by asking yourself a few questions:

• What is the most important thing you are avoiding right now? 
• What is the most important thing you consistently avoid?
• What is your biggest fear right now?
• How does your nervous system respond to that fear? What are the physical sensations, markers and "tells" that help you know you are feeling fear.? 
• What are your coping mechanisms when you feel fear? What lies do you tell yourself? How do you distract yourself from the fear?
• Now that you have recognized what fear feels like in your body ask yourself when you feel that fear. What situations trigger your fear? When is the fear the most intense? How do you know?
• Finally - what patterns are no longer serving you? What habits have you adopted to respond to fear that are keeping you chained and shackled? 

At this point it's important to recognize the power of a growth mindset. Simply put a growth mindset means that you believe you can achieve and succeed through the right effort and hard work. You are not "smart" or "good" or "bad." Those labels, or the litany of labels you use "fix" you to something and don't allow you to grow. Let me explain further.

When I was younger I was given a fixed mindset by many well intended people. I was told that I was a good artist. While this fixed mindset made me feel good for a short time it became, like all fixed mindsets - a drug that I needed more and more. Like all fixed mindsets when I wasn't creating "good" art I responded like we all do - fight, flight or freeze. When I asked for feedback about a sketch that didn't match up with my "good artist" fixed mindset I would feel upset and either argue with the professor or argue with them in my mind (fight). At times I would stop drawing or painting if things weren't going the way I wanted (flight). When, in an art class my work was critiqued by the teacher or other students and I was pushed to improve I would go silent (freeze). 

As I got older I realized that the fixed mindset I adopted was no longer serving me. Instead of this mindset I adopted a growth mindset and began breaking my invisible chains. Knowing that if I wanted to create a great painting, craft something, build a table or planter box, or simply sketch something that I valued I would have to work at it. Through my hard work I achieve what I want and don't have any need for the fixed mindset I held onto for so many years. The "failures" or different "iterations" are great learning moments for me that push me toward the next steps. 

Finding out what our chains are can be difficult and painful. We have to open up our eyes and become aware of deeply held patterns and beliefs. It can be fearful just thinking about this process, let alone undertaking it. Happily, the process provides its own rewards as we discover the chains. Sometimes the chains are broken simply through awareness. Often, however we need some work to break the old patterns and create new ones.

My challenge to you it dig in. Don't be afraid to call yourself out. As I've said to many a coaching client "once you start to think you are 'the shit' you're probably already smelling like it. Live an examined life by detailing and documenting your current fixed mindset chains. Burn down the old patterns and break the invisible chains by recognizing where you are holding yourself back. I can promise you that a strong sense of confidence and contentment will abide with you when you do. 

Live well and lead on. 

Leader Compass 46 - What is Love?

Happy Valentine's Day! I began writing this post months ago and then never published it because I didn't think it matched with the tone of this blog. But, today I'm feeling a bit sentimental. Love is the driving force for all great men and women and I thought, what the hell...I'm posting it anyway. It's my blog and so I'm putting it out there. Enjoy...or don't..either way I'm not sure I care. Love is powerful and is the key, from my point of view in all things. Leadership, life, relationships, business...you protect and grow what you love. Below are a few of my thoughts. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight my bride of almost 21 years and I were on a hike when I was stopped in my tracks as we came down the mountain. The brilliant amber color of the grasses in the foreground, the sun setting in the background and the bright oranges in the leaves around us made me pause. I looked at my wife and said "that view never gets old." We sat for a few minutes and just soaked in the beauty before finishing our hike and grabbing dinner.

Every once in a while I have "that moment" where I'm stopped and taken back as I look in the direction of my beautiful wife. I get taken back and am in awe of her beauty. Her look stops me in my tracks and make me pause and awe at her matchless beauty. Like the mountains, trees and sunsets her beauty never gets old. 

When we were younger I always loved the way my wife looked. The first time I remember thinking she was "cute" was back in Jr High School. Over time both of our "looks" have changed but I never get tired of looking at her. The question is - is my attraction to her beauty love? 

Love is an interesting word in the english language. We use in to describe feeling for spouses, family and chocolate. There really isn't a difference in the word we use even though clearly there is a difference in the meaning of it. How can we truly use the word to that we describe our favorite "thing" to describe the deep emotion we feel toward our children?  

I think that love in our society has been strangely defined and segmented with a multitude of partial thoughts. Lust is often mistaken for love. Romantic love is deified and placed on a high pedestal in our modern society. Romeo and Julliet, those two manic, stupid kids are put up as aspirational figures and romantic love is the thing chased by so many. I read once that some scholars believe Shakespere didn't write Romeo and Juliet as an ideal to be mimicked in daily life, but as a parody to show the ridiculous nature of romantic love. 

Love can be a very powerful emotion, concept and thought in all areas of life. There are many facets of love. Let's look at a few thoughts around love and some of the most powerful forms of love that we may want to cultivate.

Committed Love 

Anyone that has been in any long-term relationship will tell you that romantic love comes and goes and can often be very silly and create many blind spots. Committed love is different. Committed love is a choice. Committed love can often be marked by pausing to preserve...remember, we preserve what we love. 

- Pause to Preserve the Past. Great relationships that are full of love have a positive view of the past. Researchers have found that people who have a positive outlook on thier past time together have greater appreciation and love for each other. This doesn't mean a couple won't have challenges, fights, arguments, etc. It does mean that each individual choses committed love and sees the combined history in a positive way - problems are seen as growth opportunities and great moments of joy and happiness shared are all seen in a positive way. As I look back on our 21 years of marriage and over 30 years of "being in love" there is a maturity and deep level of gratitude that has come from looking back at the time we have had together. 

- Pause to Preserve Gratitude. Gratitude is one characteristic that has the greatest power over many other areas. By fostering gratitude we become more aware of the good things about those in our sphere of love or our sphere of influence. Daily gratitude helps us keep in perspective the many woderful things in life and keeps perspective of ourselves and others in the positive. Gratitude is a concious choice that fosters committed love. 

- Pause to Preserved the Foundation. Trust, honesty and respect are the foundations for all relationships. Love is deepened when we foster the foundation. Showing respect by empathizing, treating others as THEY want to be treated and pausing to listen help to foster a feeling of committed love. Honesty and transparency are important for deep, commited love. Hontesty doesn't always feel good to the other person in the moment, but it does foster trust and committed love in the long run.

Love and Compassion for Self 

Compassion is showing love, showing care for the need of self of others. Compassion for self involves self forgiviness, self care, self investment etc. Compassion for yourself creates a foundation for our ability to love and show love to others. Love of self is a foundation on which we can express true love and appreciation for others. Taking care of our needs is important and essential to developing our ability to show love to others.  

Compassion for Others

Compassion for others means that we have empathy and treat others as they want to be treated. Compassionate love is fostered as we look to serve others and give positive feedback without the desire for anything in return. Compassionate love is tough because we have to first develop the skill of moving aside our own ego and seeing directly from another's point of view.   

Love in Leadership

I believe that any great leader and coach will foster and show love for those they lead and serve. Obviously this love is not romantic or intimate love. The love a leader and coach has for those he or she serves is compassionate in nature. leaders who love have fostered a habit of non-judgement. Coaches who love know that they can't skip the tough conversations because true love as a coach involves the foundation of trust, honesty and respect. Transparancy is crucial to compassionate, leadership love.

Familial Love
Familial love is often the easiest. We see family as those that we are "supposed" to love. The challenge is to ask ourselves how are we showing love to our family, our kids, parents, siblings, etc. and does it match up with what their needs are.

Love is a multi-faceted emotion. There are many more that I won't cover here. I do believe that love is the most powerful force in the world and that, when appropriately fostered can lead to some of the greatest feelings, connections and moments of our lives. Lead on. Love deeply. 

Leader Compass 45 - Own It! The Language and Culture of Accountability

One of the most rare character traits today is that of personal accountability. Blame is so easy. It's simple to select a number or reasons not to take responsibility for one's actions and blame others, outside forces or simply ANYTHING but ourselves.

President Harry Truman kept a sign on his desk that said "The Buck Stops Here." The reference was to the phrase "passing the buck" which means to pass responsibility to someone else. Truman kept the placard on his desk as a reminder to himself and others that he was responsible for his decisions and the consequences of them.

Years ago my parents started a quote book for me as I graduated high school. My dad had one when he was a young man and I read through it often enough that my mom pulled one together for me. Over the years I've accumulated many quotes and ideas in several notebooks and journals. One that was given to me that I didn't really understand until later in life was "when you pick up one end of the stick, you also pick up the other." I'm sure there are many ways to interpret this saying. Here's mine.

We all chose what we do every day. From what we wear, to workout or not, what we eat, to smile or not, the words and phrases we use...everything is a choice. What we can't chose is the consequences of our choices. That's the point...we pick up one end - ours but what we can't chose is the other end - the consequence.

There is a lot or power in this little analogy when it comes to leadership and accountability. This simple statement can change the way you view your interactions and the way you coach your teams. What if, instead of just owning our end of the stick we also own the other end? What if we took on an extreme level of accountability and owned both ends? Let me explain.

Connecting with others can be difficult. Sometimes we don't say the right thing, sometimes we do. How we act and how we are perceived can be two very different things from our point of view. What, however would happen if we owned both the delivery and the reception of our messages. What if we took full accounting for both ends? Would we be quicker to apologize when we have offended? Would we be quicker to adjust when we recognize a poor decision? Would we own our choices and not "pass the buck?" 

Practicing and teaching accountability is much easier than we think. I admit, it requires a bit of practice and a willingness to stay open and not let our egos run the show, but it is remarkably simple.Here are a few keys to adopting the language and culture of accountability.

• Resist Temptation. The "crack cocaine" of emotional relief is passing the buck. When a problem is in front of you resist the temptation to look for blame - don't blame people, the weather or any other outside source. 
• Take Ownership. Use the phrase - "that's mine" or "that's on me" to show yourself and others that you are taking ownership. Something bad happens on your team? "That's on me. I'm the leader and it happened under my watch."
• Use the QBQ Questions. In his book QBQ, The Question Behind the Question John G. Miller challenges that using questions that start with why - "why did this happen?" lead only to blame. Ask the question behind the question. QBQs start with how, what or when. How will I fix this? What will we do to address the problem? When will this be addressed?
• Create a Culture of Accountability. Accountability simply means the ability to account. Create a culture in your workplace and on your team where individuals: 
• Know how to account for their responsibilities and
• Do so regularly
• Kill the Cancer Before if Starts. As a leader it's your job to stop in your mind and in other's words any blame game. Use some of the questions below to refocus and turn from blame to accountability:
• "As you know we have a culture of accountability. How can you think about this problem in that light?"
• "Thank you for your perspective. Instead of asking why, let's use some other questions. What are we going to do? How quickly can we resolve this issue? Who is going to own the fix?"
• "I'm not thinking about this with a full thought. How do I need to see this from an extreme ownership mindset?"
• "Given all the resources we have how can we rectify this challenge?"
• "As the leader of the group this happened under your watch. What are you doing to address the issue now and prevent it from recurring in the future?"
• "I'm confident we are more intelligent than we are showing by playing the blame game. What if we challenge ourselves and take full ownership. How can we utilize our time, talents and energy to address this issue?" 

By taking full accountability and true ownership we expand our emotional intelligence and become more impactful, more intentional and more industrious. What will YOU do to take accountability for your life, your team and your responsibilities? The buck stops with you. Challenge yourself and lead on!  

Leader Compass 44 - Do Less Accomplish More - How to Create Massive Thrust and Achieve Objectives

I'm sure you've never felt stretched too thin. I'm confident you always have every ball you need to juggle perfectly lined up and never drop anything important right? Maybe not. If you are like most you have a tendency to take on too much and lose sight of important priorities.

Ask yourself the following questions to determine if you are currently in a state of ineffective confusion or a massive state of thrust.

1. When you start your day do you have too many competing priorities in your mind that you have a hard time focusing?
2. If pressed, could you answer this question quickly - what it the ONE thing that if you focus on it today would make the largest difference in your business, your team and your results?
3. Are you crystal clear on your focus and have you clearly communicated to your team the key priority for the day, week, month or year?
4. At the end of the day do you wonder "what did I accomplish?" 
5. Are leisure activities creeping in distracting you from your most important need and priority?

The challenge we often run into is we tend to clutter our minds, our schedules and our lives with too much. Too scheduled, less time to be present in the moment. Too many worries, less mind space to create. Too many priorities and none get the appropriate attention. 

Without appropriate focus we can't get any significant thrust and movement in our true priority in life. Note I said our true priority, not priorities. Gaining control and getting thrust requires focus and detail. 

Michelangelo's David is a true masterpiece. It was created by a master who knew how to remove the unnecessary to reveal the true beauty that lay within the marble block. To create a masterpiece in your life you must edit out the things that don't matter right now and only focus on what does. 

As Yvon Chiounard, founder of Patagonia has said "The hardest thing in to do is simplify your life. It's so easy to complicate things." Think about it - were the great masters amazing multi-taskers? Were the best of the best great because they were very "balanced?" No way. The best of the best were and are focused, passionate and perhaps obsessive. All the great thinkers, artists, athletes or business magnates all knew and know one thing - they are the best because they do less but accomplish more.

So the question we need to ask is "how do I create what I want?" How do I gain massive, jet-fighter-like thrust in my life and accomplish more? Let's look at 5 keys to creating thrust. 

1. Discover Your Why. Why do you do what you do? Why are you in business? Why are you a leader? Why did you start doing what you are doing? Why are you you on this earth? Dig deep and then develop a short statement about your why, your mission, and/or your purpose.
2. Get Clear. Determine what you want to accomplish. As a leader what is the most important focus area for your team right now? What is your most important personal focus? Get clear on what you want to accomplish and set a crystal clear objective. 
3. Edit Out. What is wasting your time? What habits do you have that are no longer serving you? What skills are outdated? What are you filling your schedule with that are
   distracting you? Like Michelangelo you need to edit out the non-essentials to create your masterpiece. Make a list and start to edit out the time wasters.
4. Do Less and Obsess. Ask yourself daily "what is the most important thing for me to do today that will move me toward my objective?" Another impact question I ask myself daily is "what will I be most proud of accomplishing at the end of the day?" Scale down and obsess. Commit fully to your growth and know that no one else will get you to your objective. Through passion, focus and obsessive effort you will be well on your way. 
5. Live Examined. Living an examined life is tough. It requires significant time to pause, reflect and examine what you are doing. Regular journal time, accountability conversations with a friend or coach, partnering with peers can all help to keep you accountable in your efforts.  

The 5 keys to thrust will help you move from a state of ineffective confusion to a state of massive thrust. Focused effort can help you develop any skill, improve any area and truly create what you want. Do less, obsess and accomplish more. Lead on!