Leader's Compass 25 - What type of animal are you...a Feeldo or a Dofeel?

I'm writing this post while sitting in our little breakfast nook sipping on my earl grey and pondering the duality of the human soul. Each of us is made up of two parts - the spiritual or ethereal and the physical or material. Our unseen portion is typically who we refer to when we make statements like "I" have a headache. The "I" we are referring to is not our physical body, but rather the unseen portion of our existence. Who's head hurts? Mine. You can't see me though, but I do own the material space in which I dwell.

As leaders whether in business or another important part of life it's important to understand the duality of human nature and to be cognizant of who is in the drivers seat. Navigating life's twists and turns can be better done when we control which driver we chose to place in the drivers seat.

Spiritual in the reference I'm talking about has nothing to do with religion, a set of beliefs or a scripture of dogma a person may follow. Spiritual simply means that which the eye can not see. Everything in this world has a spiritual creation prior to its physical. A building must have a creative idea generated in the unseen mind of the designer. Then the plan must be created on paper or in a computer program prior to any physical work of digging a foundation, placing footings or framing walls are done. In physical creation the spiritual always proceeds the physical.

Because of this natural law - the spiritual creation preceeding the physical creation - there can be a tendency in our lives to make decisions on another unseen force - emotion. There is an old saying that states when you pick up one end of the stick you also pick up the other end. The question posed in this post is what end of the stick should you pick up - the dofeel or the feeldo?

When making daily decisions there are two ethereal or spiritual pulls that influence our decisions - thought and emotion. When you wake up in the morning and the brain reminds you that you have your exercise program to do you are pulled one way. When your emotions weigh in and say "but it feels so good to just lay here" you are pulled a different way. Who do you listen to? The logical dofeel that says if you do this then you will feel that? The emotional feeldo that says I feel this so do that? The feeldos and the dofeels are essentially two sides of the same coin - they are two halves in your dual makeup that entice you to take action.

Which portion of yourself you choose to follow habitually will determine who and what you become. Many religious types have taken our dual nature and segregated it into an external battle - god on one hand and the devil on the other. The reality is this daily choice, this daily battle happens internally, it's the push and pull that naturally occurs within between our two halves. Why is this important to recognize? Because a life lived with personal accountability is a life that does not blame an outside source for our choices. I am responsible. I am accountable. I choose. I make my own destiny based on my choices. No outside temptation by an entity controls my choice. I may be enticed, coerced, persuaded, seduced by a choice but ultimately I make my decision.

Let's look for a moment at both entities - the feeldos and the dofeels. The dofeels recognize that when they take action the action brings a feeling. For instance when the alarm goes off the dofeel rises and moves toward the dresser to put on his exercise clothes and goes for the run. Regardless of how he feels now he knows he will feel better after he does his exercise program. He chooses the end of the stick with emotion on the far end rather than the one closest to him. How do you think he will chose to handle his interactions with others in business? What will his decision making process lead him to in his leadership responsibilities? What will the dofeel become by creating this habit?

Now let's look at the opposite side of the coin. The feeldos feel something and act based on the feeling. The alarm goes off and the feeldo feels like it may be better to stay in the warm bed. After all, "I can always exercise tomorrow" the feeldo says to himself. After sleeping in a little longer the feeldo needs his coffee and Danish to get him going because he feels like it sounds good. The feeldo chooses the end of the stick with emotion on the close end rather than the one furthest from him. How do you think he will chose to handle his interactions with others in business? What will his decision making process lead him to in his leadership responsibilities? What will the feeldo become by creating this habit?

As leaders whether in business or another important part of life it's important to understand the duality of human nature and to be cognizant of who is in the drivers seat. Navigating life's twists and turns can be better done when we control which driver we chose to place in the drivers seat. We choose daily, hourly whether we will be a do-feel or a feel-do. The driver determines our personal and professional leadership success. So, who do you want to be today?

Why Business is Great And Why Your Thoughts on it May be Skewed

Think about the past few good guy vs bad guy movies or TV shows you've watched. Outside of the Walter White and Dexter Morgan types many of the bad guys in popular media are "business moguls" that don't work hard, live the high life, feed on greed and kill to get ahead. As a society we are conditioned to view business, and especially big business as an inherently evil thing. I'm not saying that there are some people who may let greed drive them, nor am I saying that you will never see a group of individuals in business make a poor decision. What I am saying is that at the heart of it business is not only good, but it can be one of the best ethical and growth oriented pursuits we do. Please allow me to expand and explain. Below are some of my observations and opinions based on my experience in business.

Business Teaches Life Lessons

In Life Time Fitness we have a mantra that states "we don't chose who we serve, but we do chose how we serve." As much as I hate to admit it the best lessons I've had in life have come from working with and serving people that, at that moment may not be the easiest to work with. 

Lady yelling at me because she can't believe we don't just build another facility so she doesn't have to get in early to her group fitness class, thank you for helping me strengthen my patience, my listening skills and my ability to take my emotions out of a heated situation.

Guy masturbating in your car in the parking lot. Thanks for teaching me that no matter how long I've been in business there are still things that shock me. You also gave me another opportunity to work with local law enforcement and see once again that there are great men and women in law enforcement that deal with more crazy things than I do.

Each interaction I have in business either teaches me lessons that improve my life or reinforces concepts that keep me grounded in strong principles.

Business is Inherently Good

You have skills, talents and abilities that you put to work and in return you trade your time, skills, service or product for a commodity. Maybe you trade your time, your medical knowledge, your skill as a fitness trainer, a product you made or your knowledge of the economy for money. Somewhere, someone benefits from what you do and you get paid. If you are providing little to no value your payments go backwards or stop completely.

Your job, regardless of whether you clean a toilet, clean teeth or clean out someone's arteries is beneficial to society. You work hard and share something that someone else needs. The world revolves because of business. We each have a job, regardless of the size of our company - a company of one, a company of hundreds or a company of thousands that provides for our basic needs. Your job may not be glamorous, but if it provides a need for another person and puts money in your pocket for basic needs and wants it is a noble job.

Profits Are Not Evil

The idea that profit is evil really makes me laugh. Before judging me too harshly right now take a step back and follow a thought process with me. 

Imagine for a moment that every day you woke up with the knowledge, skill and ability of a baby. You had no more emotional maturity than the previous day. You owned no possessions. Your intelligence was not increased. Every day you woke you had to figure out how to get food. Your life has no emotional, intellectual or property profit. You have no money, no tradable commodity, and your life is profit-less. Rough life right?

Profit is inherent in our nature. We were born to profit. The accumulation of knowledge, skill, emotional maturity, friendships, experiences and tradable commodities are hard wired into your basic nature. Profits are basically and fundamentally good. Profitable people can and do contribute to society. Profitable businesses continue to provide jobs for dozens, hundreds and even thousands of workers. Have you ever needed or wanted a job? Of course you have. The company that hired you was most likely able to do so because they were profitable.

Ok, ok, I can hear your contrary mind screaming out to me - but what about greed? When is enough enough? What about those that get profit by taking advantage of others?

Clearly, dishonest practices are not inherently good, whether they profit someone or not. Dishonesty can lead to a short term commodity profit. History is replete with stories however of the negative long term effects of dishonest practices. This point does not need debate.

How much is enough? What about the rich who just get richer? There seems to be a mentality that those who have figured out a way to aquire and then keep profits should have them taken away because they must have done something wrong to get them. Or, the other mantra is that the rich need to "give back" as if the time and effort they put into their job is giving nothing to society. The intelligent CEO has an ability to run a company that may put food on the tables of literally thousands of households. He has no value? She has an easy job? Spend two or three days in his or her shoes and then judge the value. Society vilifies them, but I see the corporate captains as intelligent and passionate people who do valuable work to help provide jobs, products and services that benefit the economy and ultimately you and I.

You've probably seen the pictures and heard the stories of "the greedy" sitting on thier piles of money while contrasting it with those that may be struggling and starving. The contrast implies that those who have are bad and that those who have not are good. Neither perspective is true. I've known several wealthy people and frankly I've never met the person that made and grew their wealth by being lazy. Most wealthy people are actually very disciplined, hard working and caring people. 

Business Improves Mental Acuity and Expands Social Circles

One of the reasons I feel so blessed and so wealthy in life is because I have a job that pushes me mentally and constantly expands my social circle. Through business I've met people much smarter, much more talented and much better than I am. Their examples and strengths have fed me and made me a better person.

Business challenges have pushed my mental capacity. Juggling the demands of family life with a job that requires a significant amount of my waking hours has taught me how to prioritize, plan and ultimately distill my life down to the most important. Juggling the demands of managing the financial, the leadership development, the team member relational, the service, the marketing and sales and the cost management pieces of the business have pushed my mind and expanded my abilities.

Fear of Money Keeps You From Making More

One of the unfortunate downsides of our basic human nature is that when we see something we want, something we covet we have a tendency to tear down anyone that has it. Great sports star, talented musician, beautiful model, stylish businessman, adept professional driving the sports car you want? Deficiency mentality dictates we excuse ourselves for not having what we want by stating internally and possibly externally that the person who has our desire got it by means that are out of our reach. We "would never sell our soul like that person did" we tell ourselves. The reality is the person we are villifying probably didn't sell thier sould either. They just worked harder, found a way that works better and got a little lucky to get what they have.

One of the most rare personalities in our society is the person that builds the successful and the unsuccessful equally. The magnanimous person who can, without faking it sincerely compliment another person who has succeeded is the person who has overcome the basic, negative nature and is also the person who will be more likely to become more mentally, emotionally, socially and financially profitable.

Conclusion

Ultimately I believe that despite our duality the majority human beings are good. Those that acquire money and gain profits through hard work and providing services and products to society as a whole gather to not only improve their own life but to also improve the lives of those around them. Business provides a moral, ethical and inherently good format for an exchange of goods and services that enrich all of our lives. That's why I am not only comfortable in business, but am very happy and proud to work every day. 

As I stated before I am under no illusion that greed can't and won't be present. We, as imperfect and fallible individuals can make poor choices. However, I believe business gives us the forum to not only profit financially but to also profit emotionally, socially and mentally. Some of my best friends, my most admired people in my life I've met through business. Business has pushed me to mentally improve and to constantly check my emotional strength, especially when things "aren't going right."

Be passionate. Be proud. Be positive. 

***Thank you for taking time to read my blog. I love reading your feedback. Please leave me your comments below.****

Consistency and Follow Through - The Salt and Pepper of Leadership

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."

- Mark Twain

Years ago a good friend and I went to a slideshow lecture given by legendary big wall climber Todd Skinner. He and his climbing partners had just returned from parts of Asia where they were the first to climb some of the local rock faces. When asked why they were doing what they were doing by some of the locals Skinner and friends tried to explain that they did it for fun. The locals didn't buy it. "Why not just hike around rather than scale the rock face?" they would ask. "We enjoy it. It's kind of our job as well." None of the responses given through the interpretor made sense to to locals. They just weren't buying it. Suddenly the interpretor turned to the group and spoke. "Ahhhhh...." Nodded the locals approvingly. They finally understood. "What did you tell them?" Skinner asked. "I told them that you do what you do because you choose the harder way. Choosing the harder way in our culture is deeply respected because it is the way that gives us the greatest strength and the deepest wisdom."

Author Mark Twain wrote "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." How often in life have you and I known trouble, challenge and frustration...all for nothing? Think back to the last worry you let run wild in your mind. Instead of you controlling it, it ended up dictating your emotions, your actions.

Choosing the harder way in life means that we close a noble path of disciplined learning and determined growth. Choosing the harder way tests our self perceived limits, our closely held self deceptions, and our careful cutting thoughts that dam our progress. The harder way ensures that falling and failing on the path to success will happen. Our weaknesses will be manifest and our opportunities for growth magnified. In the end however, the harder way hardens us and our resolve to succeed.

Having the courage to take the first steps into the unknown requires bridling our fears and mastering our thoughts. A positive, forward looking attitude helps us take the steps forward in our pursuit of excellence. As Twain wrote so well many of our great troubles, many of our great fears never measure up to the elaborate detail our imagination can conjure.

The harder way in life and leadership requires two keys to success - consistency and follow through. Think about it for a moment. Why did your last resolution fail? You lacked consistency and follow through. Why did that business plan not produce the desired results? You and your team failed to be consistent and persistently follow through. The steep rock face of consistency and follow through are not easy. Doing the same things repeatedly can be boring. Following through requires initial planning. Neither of which are easy. 

The greatest troubles in life and leadership can come from lack of consistency and a lack of follow through. Self deception sneaks in and excuses ooze out when we fail to execute consistently and lack sufficient follow through. 

Do you want to be a great leader? Do you want to stand head and shoulders above the rest? Cultivate a habit of consistency and follow through. Greater piece of mind, greater success and an overall sense of happiness await the top of the climb. Chose the harder way. Chose the way that brings the greatest strength and the deepest wisdom. These two ingredients are commonly found in the recipie of success. Sprinkle them copiously and you will yield great result. Lead on!

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Leader's Compass 22 - Get Rich Quick! 9 Ways To Increase Your Wealth Almost Immediately

What does it mean to be rich? I've met a lot of financially wealthy people in my life. I'm fortunate that my positions in life have afforded me the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life. Here is one thing I've observed though, being rich, being wealthy has less to do with money and more to do with perspective. Don't get me wrong, money is important. I've had enough, not enough and more than enough and having more is better than having less. But, having more of something does not necessarily make a person rich. Below are some of my observations on what it means to be rich and some of the people who I learned the lessons from.

1. Work hard. Hard work itself is wealth. As a child my mom and dad instilled the concept of hard work into my head by making me, my brothers and sisters work hard. I remember one day going to a property my dad owned to cut down the weeds. "Steve," he said "one of the keys to life is to pray like everything depends on God and then work as if everything depends on you." 

We worked hard that day to get the property in better shape. A common misconception we have is that "someday" we won't have to work hard...we will have enough money to just sit around and do whatever we want. Sitting on a beach doing nothing the rest of my life is the opposite of wealth in my mind. Wealth is having a job that needs to be done and knowing you are equal to the task. 

I've learned over the years that having work to do is wealth. A wealth of work, a wealth of challenges, a wealth of responsibilities breeds skill development, drive, passion and persistence...all traits of the wealthy individual. There is no greater feeling than a job, no, make that a hard job well done.

2. Observe and express gratitude. Gratitude is wealth. My grandmother on my moms side was not a financially wealthy person. She was, however one of the richest people I have ever known. She was grateful for everything in her life. 

One summer my dad poured a concrete pad for her in front of her garage. Instead of having just a gravel path for a driveway she now had a beautiful cement pad. She was so grateful, so appreciative of the work and the gift she would go out and sweep the small plot at least twice a day. She was grateful for her home, her grandchildren, her life. She was truly wealthy because she appreciated everything.

3. Have faith. Faith is wealth. When I was younger I thought my mom was a little crazy when she would talk faithfully about how she knew things would work out for the best. An extremely hard worker, she embodied the hard work ethic my brothers and sisters share. But she showed more than just hard work. She had faith. She believed. She moved forward in life with faith and conviction. 

It takes great courage to believe, to move forward in life, to have faith. She taught me to believe, see the future with an eye of faith and then work hard to make my faith a reality. Pessimists lack the wealth of courage it takes to have faith. Faith is born from an abundance mentality. Ultimately faith is wealth.

4. Have. Having is wealth. I know, I know you may be thinking "duh, of course having more makes you wealthy." I'm not necessarily talking about having more things. I'm talking about having more...more money because you spend less than you make, more friendships because you deposit more than you withdraw in relationships. Security, safety and wealth don't just come from making more. They come from keeping more, and spending less. 

One day my oldest daughter looked at a gorgeous Corvette and said, "well, that guy use to be rich." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, he had a lot of money before he spent it on that car." The wisdom of a child is profound. Having, not spending is wealth.

5. Collect mementos. Mementos make you rich. Symbolism is in every major religion. Buildings use to be built with it as an integral piece to their design. In one way or another we choose the things in life that remind us of something else, the items that have symbolic meaning.

Having mementos that remind you of something, or some experience in life make you rich. Remember the time when? Mementos help remind you of that time. What about your personal code, your values, your mission, your creed? Mementos can help remind you and bring a wealth of memory and purpose. 

For the most part I wear the same watch every day. It was a gift from my wife on our 15th anniversary. It's a watch that is built to last long after my body wears out. When I'm 6 feet under my son will have it. It's symbolic of my goal in life to build a life, to build relationships, to build businesses that are built to last.

6. Cultivate great relationships. Relationships bring wealth. When I was younger my best friend Eric would drive me crazy from time to time when we needed to be somewhere and he would stay and listen to people until we were late getting to the next place we needed to be. Over time it dawned on me that everyone loved Eric because of this. His ability to listen and empathize was second to none. He developed deep and meaningful relationships with almost everyone he met. He was and still is a very wealthy man because of his relationships. 

Empathy, time, interest, love, compassion, listening. Each one of these relationship currencies build a wealth that can last a lifetime. Friendships are priceless. Owning priceless items means you are wealthy. Value the relationships in your life well and you will be an extremely wealthy person.

7. Recognize that moments that push your limits bring wealth. One night my wife said to me "I think we need go go to the hospital." "I feel fine thanks," I responded jokingly. "No, I'm serious, I think the baby is coming." She couldn't finish the last sentence before her water broke. About 10 minutes later we delivered our son at home...just the two of us, her working excruciatingly hard and me squatting with my catchers mitt to catch the little guy. Paramedics showed up about 15 minutes later. The fears running through my head..."what if he isn't ok?" "What if she isn't ok?" These fears pushed my emotional limits. His life was in my hands. Her life was in my hands. 

That moment, like others that have pushed either my emotional or physical limits have made me very wealthy. Moments that push our limits don't have a monetary price tag. There is no amount of money in the world to to replace the moments that make us better than what we think we are. Imagine the admiration I had and still have for my gorgeous wife for sharing that moment together and seeing her physical and emotional limits tested. That moment made us wealthy.

8. Give. Giving is wealth. When I was younger I served a service mission in South Dakota. I met many people with very little physical possessions. Despite their lack of money they gave me whatever they had. They fed me. They gave me gifts, friendship and love. 

Giving is wealth. Poor people can't give. Wealthy people give, even if all they have to give is love. Don't forget though - if you give more than you have, you will have nothing left to give. Over-giving beyond your means is no better than over-spending. Playing the martyr that gives all is not wealth. Wealth comes from giving what you have. Far too many give to others and let their own kids starve. That's not wealth, it's just stupid.

9. Take care of what you have. We live in a disposable world. Clothing is out of style too quickly. Relationships can end just by clicking send at the end of a nasty text. Wealthy people take stock of their lives and regularly maintain their wealth. From exercising and eating well to care for their body to changing the oil on their car the wealthy maintain and often make better what they have. 

In our family's mission statement we have a line that says we strive to "leave people and places better than we find them." Did you know that one of the major reasons people go into debt to buy a new car is because they want a clean car? Really? We can't just clean and maintain it? Taking care of what we have brings wealth, and, it prevents a great deal of debt.

So, what does it mean to be rich? Ultimately that's for you to decide. I'm fortunate that my positions in life have afforded me the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life. Here is one thing I've observed though, being rich, being wealthy has less to do with money and more to do with perspective. Don't get me wrong, money is important. I've had enough, not enough and more than enough and having more is better than having less. But, having more of something does not necessarily make a person rich. The nine tips I've just shared are my humble opinion. I try to live by them and I feel pretty damn wealthy. Give em a try and I think you will too. 

***Thanks for reading my blog. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please leave me your comments below.***

The worst $&#%bleep€^#>%ing curse word you say every day...and you don't even know it...

You all say it. Religious? Doesn't matter. You say it as much as your non-religious friends. Male? Female? It's all the same. Both genders are equally generous with their use of this word. It's the worst word to hear from a customer when describing themselves. It's the depressing word you use to describe what you do for a living. It's the word you use to excuse your pathetic waste of time rather than doing what will improve your life. It's the word you can use in any social situation without anyone stopping to stare at you. In fact, when you say it most people just go right along with you.

One day in a meeting I wrote a few cuss words on a white board to watch the visceral reaction of the group of leaders in the room. Immediately when some words appeared on the board you could see people fidget in their seats. There was an undeniable, visceral reaction to these words. After observing this and asking people to tell me how they felt when seeing the words I told them that I was going to introduce them to the ultimate cuss word. I told them that it's the worst word to hear from a customer when describing themselves. It's the depressing word you use to describe what you do for a living. It's the word you use to excuse your pathetic waste of time rather than doing what will improve your life. It's the word you can use in any social situation without anyone stopping to stare at you. In fact, when you say it most people just go right along with you. Then, I wrote on the board the word just.

"I'm just a stay at home mom." "Oh, I just work in a cafe making food." "I'm just a single member of your gym that doesn't buy personal training." "I know I'm just a member using the coupon you gave me for the massage and not a regular client yet." This last comment is one that led to the aforementioned meeting. 

Just. For most this word isn't going to cause any immediate visceral reaction. You aren't repulsed by it, turned off by seeing it or, frankly offended when you use it. After all...it's just a word.

Shit. It has two meanings really doesn't it? It can be used to describe feces or it can be used as an expressive vulgarity. Many would debate that regardless of its use it's still a cuss word in the American English language. By the way...pay attention to your gut reaction...most of us feel the visceral pull of the last word more than the word just. Hell. Same thing. Two meanings. It's a place that some debate is not a cuss word, but when used as an expression it is. Just. Equally, it can have two, or probably multiple meanings. "Did you break your arm?" "No, I just bruised it." Not much cursing going on in this conversation. "What do you do for a living?" "I just work as a janitor." Massive cussing here.

When used to minimize the important, when used to make smaller something that shouldn't be the word just can be more powerful than any damn swear word in your quiver. Just a single member? No, they are a valued customer that needs attention and service. Especially now that we made them feel like "just" anything. Just a stay at home mom? Well, my stay at home mom is one of the greatest people in the world...despite all of my obvious faults. Just out of bacon? Ok ok, now we have serious problems.

How often do you use this curse word in your day to day? What is it that you are minimizing? Your strength? Others strength? Your potential? Other people's potential? Your value? The value of your "job," your daily routine? Where are you "just" ifying the minimizing in your life?

You all say it. Religious? Doesn't matter. You say it as much as your non-religious friends. Male? Female? It's all the same. Both genders are equally generous with their use of this word. It's the worst word to hear from a customer when describing themselves. It's the depressing word you use to describe what you do for a living. It's the word you use to excuse your pathetic waste of time rather than doing what will improve your life. It's the word you can use in any social situation without anyone stopping to stare at you. In fact, when you say it most people just go right along with you. 

Stop just-ing your life away and begin to train your mind to have the same visceral reaction to this curse word as any other. Live well. Be well.

***Thanks for making time to read the blog. I appreciate your comments and shares. Please let me know what you think in the comment section below.***

Leader's Compass 20 - The Problem You Don't Know You Have

"There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."

- Henry David Thoreau

You have a problem. Your wife knows it. Your co-workers know it. Your husband knows it. Your friends know it. The problem is...you don't know it.

You have a problem. It's bad. What's worse is you don't even know you have the problem. I know you do because I have the same problem...on a regular basis. Let me try to explain.

A few years ago I took a business trip that took me away from my family and friends for about ten days. This was, at the time, the longest I had been away from my wife and kids. At the end of the trip I went to the airport and sat down in a busy terminal. I had two carry on bags. When I sat down I put one bag on the chair to my left and one bag on the chair to my right. Over the next few minutes more and more people filled in the seats around me. As I was reading I noticed a gentleman looking around for a seat. "Move your bags" I thought. I didn't. He moved on.

Based on what I just told you what did my actions express? Here are my observations:

1. I was tired, and more than a little homesick 

2. I saw my need to sit down and rest as very important

3. I made sure to create a barrier between me and anyone else

4. I viewed my need to sit as more important than others needs, and I viewed my desire for privacy as more important than another's need to sit

Yes, my actions were representative of a jerk. Or, frankly I acted like a selfish jerk. Did you notice my problem? It's the same one you have. 

Remember last week when you got home and told your wife about that coworker "who is just so difficult to work with?" "It's her fault that your area is suffering!" 

Remember when you took that parking space from the person that was waiting for it?

What about the time when you had your head buried in your phone when someone else was talking to you?

Or how about last week when you didn't pick up your son's Lego on the floor when you saw it? Later, when you weren't paying attention, you stepped on it with your bare feet. Remember the pain? Remember how you yelled at him for not cleaning up his stuff?

Your problem is the same as mine. It's THE root of all of our problems. You and I have become masters of self deception. In the book Leadership and Self Deception the authors describe this as "being in the box" toward another individual. 

When we are in the box a few things happen:

1. We cause others to be in the box toward us and others

2. We treat people like objects, not human beings with needs, feelings and desires like ours

3. We place blame on others - the box needs justification

4. We do not take personal accountability

5. We try to pretend, use slick tools, skills and tricks to work with people while inside we have a very hollow feeling toward them

6. We try to "fix" people...just like we try to "fix" things

Remember my airport story. Well, as radio broadcaster Paul Harvey use to say..."and now, the rest of the story..." When I denied the thought that came from the small voice of conscience that we all have I had a moment of self betrayal. That moment of self betrayal is what put me in the box. Because I was in the box I needed to feed the box justification. And that's exactly what I did. "That guy looks dirty, and he really smelled bad" I thought to myself. "I'm sure there are some seats somewhere else." When I was in the box I was practically applauding myself...high fiving my self deceived, self betrayed, jerk self for making a wrong decision.

Karma is a beautiful thing and you can imagine who I sat next to on the plane...yep...the smelly guy. At that point I woke up to my box, my betrayal and got out. Stepping out of the box I smiled, pulled out my pack of gum and offered him a peice. We chatted briefly. No, we didn't become best friends or even pen pals (Facebook wasn't around so we didn't become Facebook friends either). I simply steped out of the box by treating him the way he should be treated...as a human being.

You have a problem. Everyone around you knows it. Think the world revolves around you? Think others should jump just because you say so? I mean, c'mon...don't they know who you are?! You have a problem...and it's not the problem you think. I know, because I have the same problem.

***Note: Thanks for reading my blog. This concept is the most powerful concept in leadership, relationships and life. I've found it to be the most life changing concept anyone who works with people for a living, is in a long term relationship or has children can ever learn. To learn more about the box and self deception please pick up Leadership and Self Deception by The Arbinger Institute. Their follow up "prequel" The Anatomy of Peace is a great addition as well and a must read for any parent. I would appreciate reading your comments so please leave them in the section below.***

Leader's Compass 19 - Oink Oink...Welcome To Pig Nation

"Dressing well is a form of good manners." 

- Tom Ford

Today's post is less about management, less about leadership and more about observation and a call to action.

When did it become socially acceptable to go out in slippers and pajamas? When did we stop holding doors for others? When did it become ok to ignore the person sitting across from us in a business meeting, table, desk or any other setting to stare at an electronic screen? When did ignoring someone who smiles and says hello become the norm? When did we collectively decide to dress down, talk down and look down?

At my business I instituted a rule several years ago that no employee can be on their cell phone in front of a guest. Walking in the hallway? No cell phone. In your department where members and guests are present? No cell phone. They can get on thier phones on break in our cafe or in two other designated areas. I'm shocked at the pushback I get on this simple request for people to have a heads up approach to service. Smile, say hello, engage our members, our guests in conversation rather than stare at that little screen that you are so addicted to. 

Parents of America our children are declining into a nation of selfish pigs. They can't see that when thier head is down they don't see the faces in front of them. They don't see that talking down to others and criticism only reflect thier own lack of SELF respect. They won't see that when they dress down their sloppy dress sends an indelible message to thier own mind that sloppy work, sloppy words and an inconsiderate life are ok. Unfortunately these problems are not unique to the young...they are learning it from us.

A very good friend of mine made an observation years ago that I have seen manifested more and more as we have slid down into pig nation. When describing his son who would eventually take over his business he said "Logan is great with people. He listens, is kind and is able get along well with a wide variety of people. That will be his ultimate key to success. Anyone with great people skills will be successful, but I'm afraid these skills are becoming more and more rare." We discussed then and many times afterward the decline of "people skills" in our society. Skills like listening, speaking, writing, conflict resolution and simple kindness are in decline as we continue to dress down, talk down and look down. 

I get great amusement when I meet fully grown adult pigs - the CEOs, Presidents, Vice Presidents and so on who think that their title actually means that they are excused from good manners. Legends in thier own mind they seem to believe that we, those around then actually care what is on thier business card, thier letter head and under thier e-mail signature. I'm sorry sir, your poor manners are not excused just because you think you are important. You CAN be a CEO and an asshole at the same time, and you are proving so right now with your inconsiderate ways. As I tell my leadership group regularly, your title only means you have a greater responsibility to work, to lead and to contribute because once you start to think "you are the shit" you're going to start to smell like it.

It's time we took action. It's time we go back to the basics. It's time we stop being pathetic and live to our potential. It's time we stop dressing down. It's time we stop talking down to others. It's time we stop looking down at our e-devices when another human being is in the room. This post is an invitation to those who chose to take on titles - mothers, fathers, managers, leaders, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends and friends to stop the habits of the pig nation and rise up to a higher level. It's time to make a movement. Let's get together and do the following:

1. Dress up. I'm not suggesting we wear tuxedos and formal dresses to work every day. How we dress, however sends a message to our mind telling it how to behave. Dressing sloppily tells the brain to behave sloppily. Dress your expression of manners, your expression of artistic passion, your expression of self respect, based on your values, not someone else's. 

2. Talk up. Gossip, criticism, cyber bullying...all forms of self expression of your poor self esteem. See the good in others and tell them. It's so simple and you will feel so much better. Weak minds gather like pigs to wallow in the mud of gossip. Step up. Talk others up. Don't flatter. Sincerely compliment. Otherwise keep your low self esteem to yourself.

3. Look up. The world is full of beauty. Beautiful people, beautiful scenery, beautiful thigs are all around. There is a fundamental difference on an ethereal and spiritual level when you connect to the beauty around you rather than burying your eyes in your phone. Smile. Say hi, please, thank you, yes mamm, no sir. The world needs your manners as an example. And finally...

4. Kindly call out bad manners. I recently sat with a woman who, from my assessment didn't realize how rude, how combative she was on a regular basis. We talked and I kindly asked if perhaps the history of major conflict that surrounded her may be coming from her habit of defensiveness, rather than a habit of receptivity. After pondering she admitted that it most likely did. No one had pointed it out to her before in a caring manner. I'd love to report that she has dramatically changed the habit but you and I both know that habit is a tough thing to break, retrain and cultivate it's replacement. I'm confident over time she will make the habit change. Silence can be a form of agreement. Not always, but often. Calling out bad manners in a non-critical, kind and non-combative way can help us as a society create the awareness needed to stop the bad habits while cultivating the good.

When did it become socially acceptable to go out in slippers and pajamas? When did we stop holding doors for others? When did it become ok to ignore the person sitting across from us in a business meeting, table, desk or any other setting to stare at an electronic screen? When did ignoring someone who smiles and says hello become the norm? When did we collectively decide to dress down, talk down and look down? 

It happened when we woke and chose to allow it in our life. When we chose to allow it in the lives of those in our life. I hope collectively we can work together to dig out of our pig nation and return to greatness. As Jesus of Nazareth once said - "he that is the greatest is the least, and the servant of all." Here's to a return of good manners.

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