The worst $&#%bleep€^#>%ing curse word you say every day...and you don't even know it...

You all say it. Religious? Doesn't matter. You say it as much as your non-religious friends. Male? Female? It's all the same. Both genders are equally generous with their use of this word. It's the worst word to hear from a customer when describing themselves. It's the depressing word you use to describe what you do for a living. It's the word you use to excuse your pathetic waste of time rather than doing what will improve your life. It's the word you can use in any social situation without anyone stopping to stare at you. In fact, when you say it most people just go right along with you.

One day in a meeting I wrote a few cuss words on a white board to watch the visceral reaction of the group of leaders in the room. Immediately when some words appeared on the board you could see people fidget in their seats. There was an undeniable, visceral reaction to these words. After observing this and asking people to tell me how they felt when seeing the words I told them that I was going to introduce them to the ultimate cuss word. I told them that it's the worst word to hear from a customer when describing themselves. It's the depressing word you use to describe what you do for a living. It's the word you use to excuse your pathetic waste of time rather than doing what will improve your life. It's the word you can use in any social situation without anyone stopping to stare at you. In fact, when you say it most people just go right along with you. Then, I wrote on the board the word just.

"I'm just a stay at home mom." "Oh, I just work in a cafe making food." "I'm just a single member of your gym that doesn't buy personal training." "I know I'm just a member using the coupon you gave me for the massage and not a regular client yet." This last comment is one that led to the aforementioned meeting. 

Just. For most this word isn't going to cause any immediate visceral reaction. You aren't repulsed by it, turned off by seeing it or, frankly offended when you use it. After all...it's just a word.

Shit. It has two meanings really doesn't it? It can be used to describe feces or it can be used as an expressive vulgarity. Many would debate that regardless of its use it's still a cuss word in the American English language. By the way...pay attention to your gut reaction...most of us feel the visceral pull of the last word more than the word just. Hell. Same thing. Two meanings. It's a place that some debate is not a cuss word, but when used as an expression it is. Just. Equally, it can have two, or probably multiple meanings. "Did you break your arm?" "No, I just bruised it." Not much cursing going on in this conversation. "What do you do for a living?" "I just work as a janitor." Massive cussing here.

When used to minimize the important, when used to make smaller something that shouldn't be the word just can be more powerful than any damn swear word in your quiver. Just a single member? No, they are a valued customer that needs attention and service. Especially now that we made them feel like "just" anything. Just a stay at home mom? Well, my stay at home mom is one of the greatest people in the world...despite all of my obvious faults. Just out of bacon? Ok ok, now we have serious problems.

How often do you use this curse word in your day to day? What is it that you are minimizing? Your strength? Others strength? Your potential? Other people's potential? Your value? The value of your "job," your daily routine? Where are you "just" ifying the minimizing in your life?

You all say it. Religious? Doesn't matter. You say it as much as your non-religious friends. Male? Female? It's all the same. Both genders are equally generous with their use of this word. It's the worst word to hear from a customer when describing themselves. It's the depressing word you use to describe what you do for a living. It's the word you use to excuse your pathetic waste of time rather than doing what will improve your life. It's the word you can use in any social situation without anyone stopping to stare at you. In fact, when you say it most people just go right along with you. 

Stop just-ing your life away and begin to train your mind to have the same visceral reaction to this curse word as any other. Live well. Be well.

***Thanks for making time to read the blog. I appreciate your comments and shares. Please let me know what you think in the comment section below.***

Leader's Compass 20 - The Problem You Don't Know You Have

"There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."

- Henry David Thoreau

You have a problem. Your wife knows it. Your co-workers know it. Your husband knows it. Your friends know it. The problem is...you don't know it.

You have a problem. It's bad. What's worse is you don't even know you have the problem. I know you do because I have the same problem...on a regular basis. Let me try to explain.

A few years ago I took a business trip that took me away from my family and friends for about ten days. This was, at the time, the longest I had been away from my wife and kids. At the end of the trip I went to the airport and sat down in a busy terminal. I had two carry on bags. When I sat down I put one bag on the chair to my left and one bag on the chair to my right. Over the next few minutes more and more people filled in the seats around me. As I was reading I noticed a gentleman looking around for a seat. "Move your bags" I thought. I didn't. He moved on.

Based on what I just told you what did my actions express? Here are my observations:

1. I was tired, and more than a little homesick 

2. I saw my need to sit down and rest as very important

3. I made sure to create a barrier between me and anyone else

4. I viewed my need to sit as more important than others needs, and I viewed my desire for privacy as more important than another's need to sit

Yes, my actions were representative of a jerk. Or, frankly I acted like a selfish jerk. Did you notice my problem? It's the same one you have. 

Remember last week when you got home and told your wife about that coworker "who is just so difficult to work with?" "It's her fault that your area is suffering!" 

Remember when you took that parking space from the person that was waiting for it?

What about the time when you had your head buried in your phone when someone else was talking to you?

Or how about last week when you didn't pick up your son's Lego on the floor when you saw it? Later, when you weren't paying attention, you stepped on it with your bare feet. Remember the pain? Remember how you yelled at him for not cleaning up his stuff?

Your problem is the same as mine. It's THE root of all of our problems. You and I have become masters of self deception. In the book Leadership and Self Deception the authors describe this as "being in the box" toward another individual. 

When we are in the box a few things happen:

1. We cause others to be in the box toward us and others

2. We treat people like objects, not human beings with needs, feelings and desires like ours

3. We place blame on others - the box needs justification

4. We do not take personal accountability

5. We try to pretend, use slick tools, skills and tricks to work with people while inside we have a very hollow feeling toward them

6. We try to "fix" people...just like we try to "fix" things

Remember my airport story. Well, as radio broadcaster Paul Harvey use to say..."and now, the rest of the story..." When I denied the thought that came from the small voice of conscience that we all have I had a moment of self betrayal. That moment of self betrayal is what put me in the box. Because I was in the box I needed to feed the box justification. And that's exactly what I did. "That guy looks dirty, and he really smelled bad" I thought to myself. "I'm sure there are some seats somewhere else." When I was in the box I was practically applauding myself...high fiving my self deceived, self betrayed, jerk self for making a wrong decision.

Karma is a beautiful thing and you can imagine who I sat next to on the plane...yep...the smelly guy. At that point I woke up to my box, my betrayal and got out. Stepping out of the box I smiled, pulled out my pack of gum and offered him a peice. We chatted briefly. No, we didn't become best friends or even pen pals (Facebook wasn't around so we didn't become Facebook friends either). I simply steped out of the box by treating him the way he should be treated...as a human being.

You have a problem. Everyone around you knows it. Think the world revolves around you? Think others should jump just because you say so? I mean, c'mon...don't they know who you are?! You have a problem...and it's not the problem you think. I know, because I have the same problem.

***Note: Thanks for reading my blog. This concept is the most powerful concept in leadership, relationships and life. I've found it to be the most life changing concept anyone who works with people for a living, is in a long term relationship or has children can ever learn. To learn more about the box and self deception please pick up Leadership and Self Deception by The Arbinger Institute. Their follow up "prequel" The Anatomy of Peace is a great addition as well and a must read for any parent. I would appreciate reading your comments so please leave them in the section below.***

Leader's Compass 19 - Oink Oink...Welcome To Pig Nation

"Dressing well is a form of good manners." 

- Tom Ford

Today's post is less about management, less about leadership and more about observation and a call to action.

When did it become socially acceptable to go out in slippers and pajamas? When did we stop holding doors for others? When did it become ok to ignore the person sitting across from us in a business meeting, table, desk or any other setting to stare at an electronic screen? When did ignoring someone who smiles and says hello become the norm? When did we collectively decide to dress down, talk down and look down?

At my business I instituted a rule several years ago that no employee can be on their cell phone in front of a guest. Walking in the hallway? No cell phone. In your department where members and guests are present? No cell phone. They can get on thier phones on break in our cafe or in two other designated areas. I'm shocked at the pushback I get on this simple request for people to have a heads up approach to service. Smile, say hello, engage our members, our guests in conversation rather than stare at that little screen that you are so addicted to. 

Parents of America our children are declining into a nation of selfish pigs. They can't see that when thier head is down they don't see the faces in front of them. They don't see that talking down to others and criticism only reflect thier own lack of SELF respect. They won't see that when they dress down their sloppy dress sends an indelible message to thier own mind that sloppy work, sloppy words and an inconsiderate life are ok. Unfortunately these problems are not unique to the young...they are learning it from us.

A very good friend of mine made an observation years ago that I have seen manifested more and more as we have slid down into pig nation. When describing his son who would eventually take over his business he said "Logan is great with people. He listens, is kind and is able get along well with a wide variety of people. That will be his ultimate key to success. Anyone with great people skills will be successful, but I'm afraid these skills are becoming more and more rare." We discussed then and many times afterward the decline of "people skills" in our society. Skills like listening, speaking, writing, conflict resolution and simple kindness are in decline as we continue to dress down, talk down and look down. 

I get great amusement when I meet fully grown adult pigs - the CEOs, Presidents, Vice Presidents and so on who think that their title actually means that they are excused from good manners. Legends in thier own mind they seem to believe that we, those around then actually care what is on thier business card, thier letter head and under thier e-mail signature. I'm sorry sir, your poor manners are not excused just because you think you are important. You CAN be a CEO and an asshole at the same time, and you are proving so right now with your inconsiderate ways. As I tell my leadership group regularly, your title only means you have a greater responsibility to work, to lead and to contribute because once you start to think "you are the shit" you're going to start to smell like it.

It's time we took action. It's time we go back to the basics. It's time we stop being pathetic and live to our potential. It's time we stop dressing down. It's time we stop talking down to others. It's time we stop looking down at our e-devices when another human being is in the room. This post is an invitation to those who chose to take on titles - mothers, fathers, managers, leaders, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends and friends to stop the habits of the pig nation and rise up to a higher level. It's time to make a movement. Let's get together and do the following:

1. Dress up. I'm not suggesting we wear tuxedos and formal dresses to work every day. How we dress, however sends a message to our mind telling it how to behave. Dressing sloppily tells the brain to behave sloppily. Dress your expression of manners, your expression of artistic passion, your expression of self respect, based on your values, not someone else's. 

2. Talk up. Gossip, criticism, cyber bullying...all forms of self expression of your poor self esteem. See the good in others and tell them. It's so simple and you will feel so much better. Weak minds gather like pigs to wallow in the mud of gossip. Step up. Talk others up. Don't flatter. Sincerely compliment. Otherwise keep your low self esteem to yourself.

3. Look up. The world is full of beauty. Beautiful people, beautiful scenery, beautiful thigs are all around. There is a fundamental difference on an ethereal and spiritual level when you connect to the beauty around you rather than burying your eyes in your phone. Smile. Say hi, please, thank you, yes mamm, no sir. The world needs your manners as an example. And finally...

4. Kindly call out bad manners. I recently sat with a woman who, from my assessment didn't realize how rude, how combative she was on a regular basis. We talked and I kindly asked if perhaps the history of major conflict that surrounded her may be coming from her habit of defensiveness, rather than a habit of receptivity. After pondering she admitted that it most likely did. No one had pointed it out to her before in a caring manner. I'd love to report that she has dramatically changed the habit but you and I both know that habit is a tough thing to break, retrain and cultivate it's replacement. I'm confident over time she will make the habit change. Silence can be a form of agreement. Not always, but often. Calling out bad manners in a non-critical, kind and non-combative way can help us as a society create the awareness needed to stop the bad habits while cultivating the good.

When did it become socially acceptable to go out in slippers and pajamas? When did we stop holding doors for others? When did it become ok to ignore the person sitting across from us in a business meeting, table, desk or any other setting to stare at an electronic screen? When did ignoring someone who smiles and says hello become the norm? When did we collectively decide to dress down, talk down and look down? 

It happened when we woke and chose to allow it in our life. When we chose to allow it in the lives of those in our life. I hope collectively we can work together to dig out of our pig nation and return to greatness. As Jesus of Nazareth once said - "he that is the greatest is the least, and the servant of all." Here's to a return of good manners.

***Thank you for reading my blog. Please leave me your thoughts and share the blog with others. On my death bed I want to be able to say I helped millions of people in some small way. Sharing my blog will help me reach this goal. Thank you for your help.***

Leader's Compass 18 - The Damming Power of Labels

"He's such a jerk!" 

"What a slut!" 

"I'm fat!" 

"He's so gay!"

"Oh she is sooo stupid! Can you believe how stupid she is?" 

"That guy is a piece of shit!" 

"Can you believe that broad just cut me off?!"

"I'm gonna go tell that SOB what I think of him. He's such a conceited prick!"

Offensive? Should be. For many, however it's just part of the daily vernacular. For all, however the power of labeling can cause serious problems in life and relationships.

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked. More than we initially imagine. A name, a label has power to change us, dam us, progress us or stop us. Labels cause fights, wars, and divorces. Labels are lived up to, whether true or not. Labels express ignorance, bigotry, racism, sexism, intolerance and hate. Let's take a look a little deeper at the power of a label. Travel with me on a couple of thought experiments and experience the power of labels.

"I'm fat." Two words, sometimes translated into "I'm thick," "I'm gross," "ugh" or a number of other cutting labels can have a powerful effect on the mind. Let's try the experiment. What, in you estimation, would a person who chooses this label DO in there life? How would a self-labeled "fat" person think about thier body, food, excercise, movement, physical intimacy or trying new physical activities? We all live up to the labels we chose, either for ourselves or for others. What, then, would the "fat" person do? How would they live? And how, if they wanted to lose some of the fat on thier body would they proceed to do do so? What self-sabotaging behaviors would the "fat" person adopt in order to maintain thier chosen label?

"That guy is a jerk!" Why do we use labels? Simply put it is easier to just objectify another person by labeling them. By labeling another person we can very neatly categorize them and place them in a box on the shelf with the rest of our "things." He is not a person, a human being with needs, wants, feelings, strengths and weaknesses JUST LIKE ME, he is an object - a jerk. By objectifying others we make it easier to live in a world we create with "good guys" and "bad guys." Holy, righteous, sinners, saints, good, bad, winners, losers...the labels are endless, and we - the god, the judge and jury of our world chose who wins, and who loses.

What happens in our mind to "the jerk" once we've labeled him? How do we respond to him? How do we treat him? Is he easily dismissed because we have objectified him by slapping on the label? How do we talk about him to others? Over time, what does the power of our gossip do to "the jerk?" Our judgement, left unchecked can cause a tidal wave of consequences for a person who maybe was just having a bad day, or, who is just misunderstood, less than appropriately loved, or less than skilled in handling tough situations. Regardless, our label won't allow for humanity in others. The label has to be proven right, the expectation has to be fulfilled. 

Think, for a moment about the common labels you use to describe yourself. Are there some that are damming you? Are some stopping your progress? Are some making you stuck? Do you have labels that keep you from progressing because, no matter what you try you can't outrun the label you have stuck in your head? 

What about the opposite? Are there some labels you use that empower you? Have you labeled yourself with some labels that allow for compassion, confidence and clear thinking? What labels are more mature, empowering and progress provoking?

Now look outward. What labels have you thrown out there on others. Worse yet - which labels have you  perpetuated through gossip. Gossip is nothing more and nothing less than pathetic conversation from an insecure soul seeking to divert attention of thier own weakness. In doing so the sad soul receives a short shot of false self assurance from a skewed perspective, because "at least they aren't as bad as THAT person." The lie doesn't last and the gossiper continues to gossip rather than build a stronger soul foundation. The soul is starving and they need a constant "fix," a consistent "high" from the gossip drug.

Labels are everywhere. They help define how we view the world. They are powerful and can be very damaging when used to describe people. Labels can pull people together or tear them apart. Labels can personally push us forward or pull us back. We should use caution and care when labeling ourselves and others. What's in a name? Everything! Chose wisely.

***Thanks everyone for reading. I would love to hear your comments. Please leave your comments below and don't forget to follow and share the blog!***

Leader's Compass 17 - Invictus - I Am The Master Of My Fate

Invictus is Latin for "undefeated." In 1875 25 year old William Earnest Henley penned the poem Invictus from his hospital bed. Doctors removed his lower leg due to tubuculosis in an effort to save Henley's life. The following poem was his response to his life challenges.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole

I thank whatever gods may be

For the unconquerable soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud,

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years 

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid

It matters not how straight the gait

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul

Three feet from gold, as the old story goes is how close many get before they stop digging and give up. Forget that great accomplishments were never had except for great work, determined focus and consistent driving.

Recently I observed a man give up in an area where he could have created a monopoly doing what he loved most. Over a slightly short period of time his pursuits would have yielded great results, but, in his eyes "they weren't happening fast enough." He gave up, quit and "moved on" giving up great potential stability, satisfaction and wealth. He was, by his choice, defeated. Impatience breeds impotence. Impotence is truly that - a lack of potency, or, in other words a lack of power.

As a student of life, leadership, business, finance and fulfillment I have seen impatience rob so many of the wealth that comes with time and effort. "Spending" before acquiring in any area of life is a hallmark of impatience and impotence. Wealth in any area - emotional maturity, knowledge, wisdom, relationships, finances, take time to build. Patience breeds power. Persistence brings potency. Passion births performance.

I love that the title of Henley's poem means undefeated. In the final two lines he describes why. "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." Defeat is determined by us, individually when we give up, throw in the towel and divorce our current pursuit. As the master of fate and captain of soul each of us chooses defeat or victory because, until the reaper takes us from the earth, WE determine the game clock. Haven't achieved victory yet? Not dead? Good...extend your timeline, change your approach, adapt, adjust and stay the course. 

You are the master of your fate. You are the captain of your soul. Do yourself a favor this year. Don't write out resolutions. Determine the power of your soul by deciding what you WILL create. Decide and then commit. Weak minds write resolutions. Strong minds use resolve as it's intended purpose - as an action word. Resolve. Commit to your definition of success and move forward. BE the master of your fate. BE the captain of your soul. BE invictus.

***Thank you for reading. Please follow the blog and leave your thoughts below.***

Leader's Compass 16 - High Five! - 5 Things Successful People Habitually Do

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

Many years ago I learned that success and failure both have one thing in common - they leave traces, lessons and patterns for us to learn from and, if we chose, to follow. Here are five things that successful people habitually do.

1. They do no unnecessary harm. Driving your car emits toxins into the environment. The food you eat was brought to the store by trucks that pollute the environment even more. Living a bold life can agitate and/or offend some. 

Harm is done daily no matter what we do. Successful people, however live an examined life to see how their actions can negatively affect others, the environment and the economy they live in. Their first mantra is to limit the suffering and harm. This isn't done by hiding away your talents, not driving your car or even by being an over-analyzer. Successful people simply take inventory of their life regularly and reduce the things that unnecessarily harm others.

2. They build lasting wealth physically and financially. Successful people learn how to discipline their movement, food intake and spending to build lasting wealth. 

You won't find successful people changing their diet and going on a "workout craze!" They don't let the pendulum swing to over-save and then back to over-spend. They work daily in each area to build just a little more wealth. Over time their efforts snowball and physical and financial wealth builds up.

3. They commit. Successful people make commitments, not resolutions. It's a well known fact statistically and from our own personal histories that making a resolution - like a New Years resolution doesn't work. Success comes from commitment. You want a better body? Commit to working out at a certain time every day. Your body will come. You want more money? Commit to learning more skill, saving more and investing what you have. 

Listen to the way successful people talk. They talk about how they "will" do something - not how they "want" to do something. To solidify this concept in your mind make a personal commitment to change something in your life. Better relationship? Better body? Better personal economy? What do you want? Decide and then go to www.commitmentday.com to join the movement to change January 1st from "New Year's Day" to "Commitment Day." Together we can commit to a better life, a better country and more personal accountability in our society. Successful people commit.

4. They do not let fear of failure paralyze them into inaction. Successful people know that they will make mistakes. They know that failure is just a road marker on the path toward success. They know that the only way they will truly fail is through inaction - either stopping before trying because of fear, or stopping when they have fallen because of fear and embarrassment. 

5. Successful people consistently work to master skill in life. Skill brings happiness. Think about it for a moment. The challenges you have in life are mitigated and happiness is elevated when you have the skill to handle them. 

The person with poor communication skills - poor listening, poor restate, poor empathy skills will have a difficult time in relationships. Those who have developed the skills needed to listen, speak and resolve conflict have happier and more successful lives.

Skilled money managers have less stress financially and are happier in their personal economy. Skilled workers do the job well, with focus, ease and a certain spretzzatura. They enjoy their jobs more.

In the end successful people know that the five things listed above are not one-time events. Successful people aren't looking to hit the relationship lottery, they housing lottery, the financial lottery or the happiness lottery. They create, foster and nurture habits that make them successful. Successful people do no unnecessary harm, they build lasting physical and financial wealth, they regularly commit to a course of action in life, they do not let fear of failure paralyze them into inaction and finally they work to master skill in each area of life. 

Successful people don't have a magic pill or better genetics. They, like you and I chose their life daily. They see the patterns and traces left by others and they follow the path that leads them where they want to go. Which road will you take?

***Thank you for reading. Please follow the blog and leave your thoughts below.***

Leader's Compass 15 - Learn YOUR Language First...Keys to Effective Personal Growth

The other day my wife and I sat in the office of the counselor at our daughter's middle school to discuss college plans and what she would need to do in high school to prepare for those plans. Afterward we both commented to each other how impressed we were with the detail and precision of the process. "Wow," my wife commented "WE never had anything like that when we were younger."

What could have or would have happened if we had the opportunity to sit and discuss future plans and how our actions then affected our future? Too tough to tell, but a very interesting thought nonetheless.

I'll admit that when I was younger I was a horrible student in my formal education. My free-thinking, creative and questioning mind got me into several debates with teachers. Each quarter and semester we were not only given letter grades for performance, but also citizenship grades for behavior. "U" or "unsatisfactory" and "N" for "needs improvement" were the two most common on my report cards. I doubt that there are many of my teachers that have a picture of me on their wall with fond memories in their mind. Such are the mistakes of a creative youth.

As I matured in life I leaned that one of the biggest challenges I had was that I didn't understand my learning style. As a visually dominant artist I struggled to sit and listen to my high school teachers lecture. As a practical, analytical mind I struggled to retain knowledge that didn't fit into the larger world and the only "practical" answer when asked "how does this apply to life" was "shut up, you'll need it when you're older." As you can imagine that answer never sat well with me and the debate was on.

Over time I learned that in order for me to learn concepts, ideas and skills I need to be effective in life I needed to first learn what made me tick and how I learned best. I made it my personal mission to figure this out. I read books, took tests and tried several approaches. Through the combination of all the personality, learning style tests, assessments and trial and error I found the approach that worked best for me. Meyers Briggs, Color Code, Love Language, basic psychology, you name it, I studied and tried it.

With effort, through study, trial and error I have essentially "learned my language." I now know well what works for me and how I need to learn in order to maximize retention and improve skill.

Investing time into understanding your basic patterns can pay great dividends in the long run. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Once you've found out what your language is don't keep trying to reinvent the wheel. Find what works and stick with it.

2. Realize that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to learn. What works for you is the real "right" way.

3. Invest time into taking assessments, tests and evaluations to get a comprehensive look at your individual language. Your personal tapestry of talent, knowledge and skill will become more prevalent with study, practice and time.

4. Above all utilize the scientific method and truly test out the theories on yourself. Not every assessment will peg you perfectly. Experiment. Test them out. Be bold and don't be afraid to try new ideas.

Recently I saw a video where legendary investor Charlie Munger complimented his business partner Warren Buffett by saying "that in many ways Warren has become a better student with age." He and Buffett both contribute their wealth to their love of lifelong learning. Two men who know their language are also two very financially successful men.

Before you can create success in finance, business or relationships you need to first learn what makes you tick. How do you work best? You may not have had all the tools and resources available as our children at a young age. But, you do have those resources now. The school of life is always in session. What excites me most about this school is I really don't mind getting those "unsatisfactory" citizenship grades anymore. Learn your language and you will be able to lead others better. Learn on, lead on.

***Thank you for reading. Please follow the blog and leave your thoughts below.***