Leader Compass 42 - What is Confidence? (READER DISCRETION ADVISED)

Confidence. What is it? In the wake of a true epidemic of suicides throughout our country and the world  I have pondered this question quite often lately. This year alone we have lost celebrities, friends, colleagues and acquaintances to suicide. It is truly tragic. Somehow I think that confidence plays into the equation. Not fake confidence, not bravado, not the "look how cool my life is" bullshit we post online. True confidence. Confidence in you...not Superman, not "God", not your boss, your  friends, your idols or some sort of savior that will swoop in and fix your shit...confidence in YOU.

Before you read any further I warn you this may not be a good post for most of you. This isn't your G, PG or even PG-13 rated post. No pretty pictures or flowery language. If you are offended by strong language and cursing please close your browser now. If not, don't comment, text me or call me later talking to me about it. You've been fairly warned. I'm not holding back on this one and yes, I understand that some say that cursing is just an excuse for a non-creative mind to express itself. Well, to hell with that, this is my most creative and vocal post because I believe sometimes we need to not just introduce the elephant in the room but we need to tell the big piece of shit that he is a piece of shit and to get out. Besides, using taboo words to call out taboo subjects is often the only way to shock the nervous system into true and lasting understanding and change.

Our society has so many wonderful advances in technology. The challenge is that we have moved so damn fast that we have not been able to keep up with it from an emotional intelligence standpoint. We have so much access to people, to ideas, to expression through social media constructs that we have truly convinced ourselves that our online presence...pretty, polished and pre-approved is true. We believe every damn opinion we have matters and that if we don't get enough fucking likes we don't mean anything.

What happened to the days when you said something and it didn't matter...and that was ok? What happened to the bad day that didn't need to be "faked better" by posting some sort of positivity shit online. What happened to the genuine pleasure that came from falling flat on your face, picking your ass up and moving forward?

I'm a jack ass. Those that know me know that. What you may not know is that this fact is true in many respects. When I was younger my dad use to wrap a rope around either me or one of my brothers at the beginning of planting season and we would literally be the jack ass that would pull the plow he would guide behind us. Fall down? Get up and keep going. Legs burning? Didn't matter - keep going. It sucked. Sweat stung the eyes, legs burned and when you fell you'd get cut up and dirty. You know what the crazy part of all the bullshit was? Eating the corn we harvested months later made it all worth it. So what? What did I learn? Well for one I was very weak. I couldn't pull that damn thing for shit! It took all the strength my toothpick legs had to pull the plow. I needed to persevere. I needed to get stronger. My failures made me better. Oh...and I didn't take a perfect picture of the freshly picked, shucked, cooked and buttered corn when we ate it. I actually just enjoyed eating it at our table as we looked out over the garden we picked it from.

I didn't build confidence because my corn looked great or I showed a cool selfie of me after the plowing took place. I gained confidence because I sucked, I was weak and pathetic. On, and did I mention that I'm a piece of shit perfectionist and would beat myself up every time I failed? Yeah, that built confidence too because I realized later on that nothing is life it "perfect." No matter how hard I tried there were and ARE always flaws...to everything.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no expert on confidence. I'm no psychologist or expert on life, living or worse - dying and suicide. I wonder though what would happen if we hit the pause button on the bullshit that fills our egos and "doubled down" as they say on our failures and what we can learn from them. What would happen if we read between the lines and saw the pain in others eyes or their posts and looked to truly give honest, true and constructive (positive AND negative loving) feedback to other? What if we really recognized the shit we sucked at AND the shit we aren't half bad at?

I've read many times that many people live lives "of quiet desperation." The epidemic rise in suicide confirms this statement. So what? What are we going to do? What if we looked deeper? What if we engaged with others sooner? What if we had the guts to tell people genuinely what we liked, valued and appreciated in each other BEFORE it was too late. What if your fucking obituary wasn’t told to you post-humorously? What if you were heralded as a great person before you died and you were told the good stuff usually only saved for your funeral while you could still hear it, while it still mattered.

This year I sat in one of the most impactful and difficult funerals I've been to. A man my age took his own life and left family, friends and children in the wake. Throughout the funeral I heard how often he wrote a card, penned a note or took the time to express how he felt about others. And yet the outflow didn't make a difference on the inflow of how he felt. What if? What if we had the confidence to put our fears aside and truly observe and express how we felt - not your "nobody fucking cares about your pretty food picture" or "nobody fucking cares about your rant" opinions and truly SAW the value in the souls we interact with? How could YOU change the world? How many lives could you lift, elevate and possibly save? I pray we can reverse the trend, develop true confidence in ourselves and others by being the positive, truthful light that makes our world a better place.

Live well. Lead on.

Leader Compass 41 - Courage and Confronting Fear

Recently I've had several conversations with professionals who are working to develop their courage and confronting fears in leadership roles. I thought it may be helpful to discuss some thoughts around courage and the common themes I see when developing a courageous approach to life. 

It's important to remember that none of us was born with courage. Fear is built into our DNA and will always be present to keep us alive. Courage is also situational in nature. You may be courageous to try something new in your personal life but struggle to have a tough conversation professionally. Let's look a bit deeper at courage and how it can go from concept to practice to characteristic. 

Concept To Character

To develop a habit it's important to understand the concept. Once the concept is understood practice provides the framework for mastery. As we practice something we play with the idea over an over again until it becomes characteristic of us. True masters never stop learning or practicing. However, a true master has mastered the basics of the idea in such a way that through continued practice he or she achieves success the majority of the time. 

Courage as Concept

Often we hear of someone performing a courageous act and they lie to us or we lie to ourselves and say that there was no fear in performing the act. Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is action in the face of fear. I'm not courageous when I do the daily tasks that are so easy, so mundane that I've been doing for years. I am courageous when I lean into discomfort and challenge myself to expand in an area that is currently uncomfortable for me. 

Courage as Practice

So, you may be saying, "that's all nice and dandy but how do I get my little chicken shit self to stop running away and truly confront my fears?" Simple. Not easy, but simple. 

1. Identify your fears and limiting beliefs. Get real. Journal your thoughts and what you are running away from. What are you avoiding? What is it that you are not confronting in your personal life, your work life, your relationships and your health? If you were truly honest with yourself what would you call yourself out on?
2. Create a full thought. Often when people get a bit of courage they run forward and fall flat on their face. While there is nothing wrong with trying and failing we could do better by sitting down and working through the problem mentally first. If I feel for instance that I need more love given to me in my intimate relationship I could go tell my partner that "she better give it to me or else." In doing so my half-courage creates more problems than I had originally. But, if I sit down and ask:
1. What can I do...is it me? Asking this helps me understand what I'm doing to create the problem. Most problems in our lives are created at least in some part by the things we do and say. My partner may think she is giving me appropriate love because I haven't fully expressed my needs or what specifically fills up my emotional bank account. 
2. What is the environment or the culture? Understanding the culture is empowering because at this moment we can own the "WE" part of what it going on. Perhaps in my desire to get more love I pull away and just "hope" she will pick up the sign. She, in return does nothing. "WE" have created this together. This creates a culture of non-communication which fosters more misunderstanding. 
3. What can they do? This is the most tricky question. All too often we put the solution on others. If, however I've truly taken the time to dig into the previous questions I can honestly tell my partner that I appreciate when she does certain things and that I would love it if she did them more often. In this way I'm owning my feelings and expectations while giving her an opportunity to partner with me on creating a more loving culture in our relationship.
3. Act quickly. Author and speaker Mel Robbins has a phenomenal concept called the 5 second rule. Just count 5-4-3-2-1 and act. There really is no other secret. Once you've invested the time to get clear and you have your full thought together don't get up from the decision without acting. This creates momentum and allows you to feel a sense of success quickly.
4. Accept failures. You are going to fail. You are going to be bad at what you try until you're not. Fail fast, learn and try again a different way until you succeed.

Following this process takes practice and time. Courage is a quality that can be developed and practiced and, like a muscle is only strong when worked consistently. 

Courage as Characteristic

You've seen them around. Maybe you follow them on social media. Those people who constantly are pushing boundaries and limits that you want to push in positive and uplifting ways. They have, over time and through effort created a habit of being courageous. Like a rope that is made stronger with every string wrapped together your character is wound together with every consistent courageous act. The more you face your fears with grace and dignity the more you develop a characteristic of courage. The act is no longer something you just do, it becomes a part of who you are.

Final Thoughts

In closing I want to point something out. Being loud, obnoxious and overly-opinionated is not courageous. In fact, those loud folks are genuinely, in my experience the most un-courageous people in the group. Through my years of coaching I've seen the loudest, most over-opinionated people crumble, clam up and completely vapor lock when true moments of courage present themselves. If you are one of the loud, the rude, the "know it alls" take a step back and realize that this technique you are using is only masking, deflecting and shielding you from growth. Get out of the box. Stop deflecting and dig deeper. Have the courage to admit you are wrong. Face the inner demons first and stop pointing the finger outward. Only then can you move toward a character of courage. 

Live well and lead on! 

Leader’s Compass 40 - What Should I Read

Often I’m asked what books I think are essential for new leaders. Below are a few essential reads for any leader.

1. EQ 2.0

2. Leadership and Self Deception 

3. Extreme Ownership 

4. Strengths Finder 2.0

5. Mindset

EQ 2.0

This book is one of the most simple constructs when it comes to emotional intelligence. The book has a code that allows you to take a very short (less than 5 minute) assessment. The assessment scores you in each of the four EQ quadrants and walks you through a simple plan to improve. By far this is THE starter as your EQ is a stronger determinant to your success thank your IQ.

Leadership and Self Deception 

There is no better book about the way we deceive ourselves. This books teaches while telling a story. It’s engaging and enlightening while deeply educating and promoting reflection and living and examined life. 

Extreme Ownership

I used to recommend QBQ as the “accountability” book until I read this book. Extreme Ownership details the importance of full ownership of every aspect of life, work and performance. Strong words, strong message and an impactful read.

Strengths Finder 2.0

Gallup has done a nice job with this small book. Similar to EQ 2.0 there is a code in the book that leads you through an assessment to determine your strengths and what your “themes” are. 

Mindset

Carol Dewick has developed a masterful, albeit repetitive book about the simple breakdown of how we think. She poses we have one of two mindsets - a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. Complete with examples and research Dewick also shows how to develop a growth mindset that will ensure consistent development.

Take a look and let me know what you think. Take it slow and work to master the concepts and I promise you, like me will benefit greatly not just from the reading but from the hard work.

Lead on!

Leader's Compass 39 - Only the Adaptable Survive

The Wall Street Journal reported over the weekend how several retailers are closing all of their brick and mortar stores. Online is the name of the game and many long term retailers are making the switch. Several other companies are closing a significant number of stores.

As shopping habits have changed over time many retailers are finding they have not adapted quickly enough to the change and are losing market share in a scramble to retain and gain customers. The pain points of this new reality are felt in lost profits, restructuring in corporate structures and several lost jobs.

This last week "restructuring" hit home for us as the company my wife works for failed to plan well and adapt to it's own market pressures. The company decided to make sweeping cuts and closed down her office laying off some 150 or so people.

Although we say that hindsight is 20/20 and we can't know the future I believe there is a way to look at predictors of success and failure and identify both positive and negative trends before they overwhelm.

Forecasting isn't just an essential skill for the meteorologist. Businessmen and businesswomen need to be able to forecast as well. One important thing I've learned over the years is that your forecast, just like the meteorologist's forecast, doesn't need to be 100% accurate. Is it going to rain? Most likely. Should I take an umbrella? Yes, to be safe. Do I care if it rains at 1PM or 4PM if I have my raincoat or umbrella? I shouldn't. And, if it doesn't rain...at least I was slightly over-prepared.

Darwin's theory of evolution was not predicated on the concept of the survival of the fittest. It was predicated on the survival of the most adaptable. One important skill set to adaptation is the ability to forecast.

Forecasting in business and our personal lives is about looking at what is, what has been and predicting, based on the current culture and conditions what the future could bring. Although you don't need to be a rocket scientist, a seer or some kind of mind reader to forecast well you do need to know, observe and develop a few things.

1. Past behavior can predict future behavior. We are habitual creatures. What we have done in the past can be a predictor of what the future holds. This is a tricky concept though. The past certainly does not equal the future, but it certainly does tell us a good idea of what is to come. Unless we act with careful and thoughtful intention on a regular basis the current status quo of winning or losing will continue.
2. Culture trumps strategy - always. In the first few months of my wife working for this organization she recently left I expressed my concerns to her over their long-term prospects. Although they promoted the technology they sold and the size of the company as two of their strengths I could see very early on that they did not have a culture set up for strong long-term growth. The technology was not user friendly compared to competitors. The service model was focused solely on acquisition of new clients with no true strategy for the service of clients to prevent attrition. Your company culture, your personal culture, the habits that are ingrained in each individual need to be rooted in long-term growth, otherwise failure is inevitable.
3. Confront the brutal facts. Ever wake up one day and "realize" you are 50 pounds overweight? We hear this all the time in my business. "I didn't realize how much I had gained until I saw a picture of myself" is a common tome in my line of work. The ability to confront the facts and address issues head on is crucial to accurate forecasting. You have a habit of eating that bowl of ice cream before bed because you need something sweet...you can forecast that your health will decline. Your team is self-centered and not client focused? You can forecast a decrease in business will come shortly. 
4. Life is about trends. You can only coast when you are going downhill. Getting up the hill requires significant effort. Do you, your company, your team have a habit and trend of hard work and dedicated effort? If so, you can forecast better. I've found over the years that those who are best at forecasting life and business tend to be not only the most observant, but also the hardest working. They move with the speed of life and don't just sit on the couch playing armchair quarterback. A few years ago my wife and I went to the Olympics and watched the bobsled race. What we learned very quickly is that in order to watch a bobsled race in person you must turn your head as soon as you hear the sound of the sled, otherwise you miss the sled entirely. Life is the same. When you hear of a trend you must already be moving or you will miss it.
5. Finally, you have to take personal accountability. No excuses. It's me. I am accountable. That's it. If you look to blame anyone else you will not be able to forecast effectively. The blame game takes you off your game and puts you in a world where you don't see things as they are, but as you need them to be. The ability to forecast well requires personal accountability to be a hallmark of character. Not sure where to start? Read QBQ by John Miller. It's the best, most simple solution.

Those that have the ability to adapt will be those that survive and thrive in life and in business. Your skill sets to adapt and change in life are paramount to your success. As disappointed as we were this last week at the shutdown of my wife's location I can't say I was surprised.

Forecasting and foreseeing is an essential skill and one that I hope you will look into to improve your life and leadership. Forecasting won't prevent all problems, nor will it keep us from making mistakes along the way. Developing the skills necessary to properly forecast can lead us on the path to better, more intentional planning and work as a hedge against failure and major loss. Here's to your development of your forecasting skills! Lead on!

Leader's Compass 38 - Mindset and Daily Flow

In her book Mindset Dr. Carol Dweck shares her research about what she calls a "Fixed Mindset" and a "Growth Mindset." Dr. Dweck shows through the book how those who adopt a fixed mindset struggle more in life. When depressed the fixed mindset group feel worse than the growth mindset group. The growth mindset group become more focused, more determined to use the state of depression for it's purpose - to slow life down, evaluate and re-create our future.

Those that adopt a growth mindset have a paradigm of change and believe that talent, skill, ability are, at the very core changeable. Those that adopt a fixed mindset, however feel like they can not change who they are, what talent or ability they have and are only happy when they are validated and things come easy.

In the quintessential book on personal development Stephen R. Covey taught that the problems we face are, at the very core problems with paradigms, beliefs or frames of reference. Working on our mindset is as the saying goes hacking at the root of evil, rather than the branches.

Recently in our book club we have been studying and discussing the book Flow by Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (chick-sent-me-hi). Dubbed "The Father of Flow" Dr. Csikszentmihalyi discusses and lays out the conditions for getting into the flow or optimal state. Unfortunately for most they feel that this state is elusive and/or it only happens by chance. In the book Dr Csikszentmihalyi talks about how there are three areas of life where we spend our time and that in each of the three areas we can develop patterns and habits to get into the flow state.

• Work. We spend much of our day in work. Students work is their studies, professionals work is their job. Finding flow in the work time is important because we spent so much of life here. 
• Maintenance. Maintenance time is the time spent in basic maintenance activity - brushing your teeth, preparing food, etc.
• Leisure. Leisure time is the time where we read, exercise, watch TV etc. Anything that we choose to do when not working or maintaining our life. 

Creating flow in each area can lead to a fulfilling and very liberating life. Far too many of us however "work for the weekend" because we have not created flow opportunities in work. Leisure, on the other hand escapes some because they don't know how to have an engrossing and flow experience and find themselves diving completely into the day to day of work. These people tend to be very flat, one dimensional individuals who have much more of a fixed mindset.

Growth mindset individuals work to create flow in each area of life. They know the power of creating an optimal experience and are conscious and intentional about how they plan and execute their life. They are the true architects and engineers of their lives.

So how do they do it? How do the growth mindset individuals create flow in all three areas of life. Let's explore a few ideas.

• Work Flow. Growth mindset individuals carefully assess the tasks, responsibilities and projects in their work that get them into a flow state and work to do them more often. they find that the challenge of the flow state is rewarding and gives them growth. The growth mindset individual also challenges the mundane by making a game of it. Need to make 50 sales calls? The growth mindset seeks to make a fun game out of it and rewards herself when the goal has been accomplished. 
• Maintenance Flow. Growth mindset looks at the maintenance times of life as great opportunities to create a life of meaning in even the smallest things. One of the requirements of flow is the need for goals and challenge. "How do I challenge myself in the basic, mundane and routine things in life?" you may ask. Set goals. When getting dressed in the morning a growth mindset lays the clothes out and carefully, and with great elegance and dexterity dresses himself. He understands that careful attention in this small area can provide great feedback that will help his overall quality of life. 
• Leisure Flow. Certain activities are inherently more flow friendly. Rock climbers, artists, readers tend to get into a flow state more often that those that watch TV. This is because flow requires goals, attention and a certain amount of focus and challenge. Growth mindset individuals are very careful and selective about the activities they chose to participate in when not at work. 

The growth mindset and flow go hand in hand in the long run of life. That's not to say a fixed mindset individual can not enter in a state of flow. The fixed mindset will,  however have a more difficult time in the long run getting into consistent flow states.

Here's to developing a growth mindset and living in a more consistent flow state! Lead on!

Leader's Compass 37 - Never Give Up

Failure is an interesting concept. It's not the same as losing. Losing happens all the time. In a football game the clock runs out and there is a winning team and a losing team. Failure however has an element to it that is in our control. We don't fail when we lose. We don't fail when we stumble. We don't fail when we fall, mess up, make a mistake or even make a bad decision. We fail when we give up.

Fear is one of our most basic emotions. We all feel fear for one reason or another. Fear is what can paralyze us from action if we let it. Fear has many disguises, many false faces. Often it is fear that leads us to fail because we determine that our loses will continue to be loses and we stop trying.

A Death by a Thousand Cuts
The coward fear, rarely comes at us all at once and in bold ways. Like all cowards fear tries to get us by creating "death by a thousand cuts."

"You can't do that." "That's silly." "It's not that important anyway." "I don't need to be that bold, that strong, I can get by with just doing what I've been doing."  

Fear tries to get us to not take action when the better part of us knows that actions both big and small can eventually lead to our success. 

The Clock

Fear, the coward tries to get us to quit when we fall, make a mistake, bad decision or have an action, project or venture that falls flat. Fortunately, however life is not like a football game...it's an entire season of games and we can restart any time we need. The clock doesn't run out as often as we think it does. When the clock does run out we are empowered to begin another game. We have the ability to look at a loss and start again. Until we are six feet under we have the opportunity to get moving and try again. The season is over when we sing our last breath and our heart plays it's last beat. 

Awareness

Failure happens in life far too often because we lack awareness in one or both areas:

• Self Awareness
• Social Awareness

Lack of self awareness can cause us to ring the bell early, call it quits before our time is up or simply talk ourselves into inaction. As Polonius said in Shakespere's Hamlet:

"This above all: to thine own self be true

And it must follow, as the night the day

Thou canst not then be false to any man."

When we are self aware we understand that the constant voice of the coward fear will be in our head, yet we need not heed his hideous words. Too often we believe the self doubt, the self effacing, the self sabotaging thoughts and act in ways according to fear's false message.

Social awareness, our ability to be aware of our social settings, how people feel, what they need and how they are thinking is another essential key to quieting fear's fretful message. Lack of social awareness leads us to gauge our life off of a ghost - the ever elusive target of "others" and what they think or may think. 

Show Up

Success comes only through one way - work. Some may argue or debate this. "But what about the person that wins the lottery?" "What about the lucky?" What about those that are born with greater privilege, more money, better looks, more talent?" It's true that some come easily into perceived success - money, fame, etc. with less effort than others. Some won the "looks lottery," the "talent lottery," or a number of other lotteries. However, winning something that you didn't work for can never really been seen as success. Did you know that most people who win a financial lottery are broke within just a few short years? How is this success when the prize flees so soon and the receiver of the reward has not developed the skills necessary to replicate the results?

Showing up means doing the work, whatever the work because:

1. Doing the work develops you into a better, more skilled person
2. Doing the work forces you to face and confront your fears and doubts
3. Doing the work can, by the nature of doing it with focus can lead to a flow state, a state that is inherently self rewarding
4. Doing the work in the long run feels so much better than the lies we tell ourselves for not doing the work

The other day a good friend had a family member pass away. When we told him that he didn't need to come to a work event where he is typically the central figure he responded "Brett Farve played the day after his dad died. It's rough, but I'll be there. The group is counting on me" And he was. Not only was he there physically but he showed up mentally and delivered his best. He showed up, he worked with focus and intent and made a significant impact on those that were in attendance.

The Process is the Reward

Talk to any "successful" person and they will tell you that there is much more joy in the journey than in the actual destination. The process of work and striving is, if done consistently the reward. Anything that makes you stronger, better, more skilled and more focused becomes the inherent reward for the work we put in. 

Remember that in life you and you alone determine whether or not you have failed. Haven't achieved your goal yet...join the club. Not quite where you want to be? Good. Keep going. until you decide that the bell has rung, the clock has run out and the game is over you haven't truly failed. Refocus, reevaluate and don't retire until you win. Cheers to your journey! Lead on!    

Leader's Compass 36 - What is Your Core? 5 Steps to Greater Freedom

When I was a personal trainer I would teach my clients the importance of developing the core of their body. The core is where the power comes from. The core is what protects the vital organs. The core is where we initiate every movement from. In fact - did you know that when your body begins to do a simple exercise like a biceps curl a deep muscle in the core of the body is the first to activate, stabilizing the body for the movement?

Our personal core is much the same. Who you are, who you truly believe you are is what gives you true power and freedom, or a lack thereof. Whatever you do is initiated from the core beliefs you have about yourself and the world. You can't do anything, even your daily, habitual routines without a deep core activation. The trick is that, just like the body's core your personal core can either be strong or weak depending on how you train it.

Create a daily routine of feeding your core as you prepare for the day

Here are a few tips to think about.

1. Develop your mission. Writing a mission statement is easier than what most people think. Simply ask yourself questions like:

• What are my core values?
• If I were at my own funeral, what would I want people to say about me?
• If the me from 20 or 30 years from now gave advice to the me now what would he or she say?
• How do I truly want to live my life?

Remember that your mission is what grounds you. It's the core that you always want to come back to.

2. Create a vision. What kind of life do you want? What compels you? What moves you forward? Write out a vision of who you want to be (character attributes) and what you what to acquire (skills and possessions). 

3. Write your script. Many people read "scriptures," religious or spiritual writings of others that serve as a script for their life. This is a good practice. However, YOU and you alone are in charge of dictating your life. What is your script? What are your scriptures? Write in a journal the values you want to live by, the thoughts that inspire you and that you want to come back to over and over again. 

4. Build your standards. A few weeks ago the Wall Street Journal had a great article about standards and their ability to keep you true to your goals. For instance saying "I never eat foods with artificial ingredients" has been shown to be more powerful than the willpower concept of just saying no to bad food choices in the moment. What standards to you have? What will you accept and what will you never allow?

5. Finally - feed your soul often. Keep a journal of your thoughts, emotions and progress toward your goals. Keep your mission, vision, values and standards with you. Personally I prefer to keep my "core" in a small notebook I carry with me daily so I can review it at any downtime. Some people prefer to keep their core on their phone in the notes section. Whatever it is for you - get it written down, keep it with you and review often. 

Keep your core with you to review regularly

Remember - your power comes from your personal core. Exercise it daily to consciously develop who you are and where you want to go. You are in charge. Live well and lead on.