Friday, November 29, 2013

Leader's Compass 11 - F!%# and the G-word - How they are ruining your life


Congratulations...you got past the title of this blog which means you think I'm either going to cuss a lot or you're just a curious little one that's not afraid to dig deeper. The little self righteous ones are thinking that this is going to be some damn post about how cussing is ruining your life. Wrong...it's about the soft words you use to deceive yourself and block your personal progress. Sorry selfies.

In the book "Good to Great" author Jim Collins says that most people do not have great lives, businesses, relationships, etc. because most people good lives, good businesses, good relationships. Good is the enemy of great. Why isn't your life amazing? Because you use the "F" word too much... Your life is "fine"... or it's "good."

Human behavior expert Anthony Robbins teaches that fabric softener is great for making our clothes feel good...verbal softeners, on the other hand are not great for making our souls feel good. Sure, saying you're fine or good will make you feel better in the moment...but your soul will still feel unsettled, agitated and unfulfilled. You're not fine...you're upset. You're not good, you're overweight. You're not fine, you're a poor money manager. You're not good, you're explosive and volatile in relationships. You're not fine, you're living a zombie life of poor experience and an over-abundance of technology. Softening reality only makes self deception more powerful and delays our direct action towards a great life. 


Fine and good are two of the worst softeners we use in our vocabulary and are two words that dam us from progressing. You want to improve an area of your life? Call it like you see it. Then, and only then can you, your soul, your brain, your heart get the reality of your current situation and provide firm footing for progress. 

Stop "fining" your life. Stop being so "good." Be great by starting where you truly are and moving forward from there. You weren't born to be fine...you weren't born to be good...BE great.

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Thursday, November 21, 2013

Leader's Compass 10 - There is No Free Lunch - The High Cost of Poor Skill


In economics one of the guiding principles is that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Some time ago an economics professor gave a lecture and told his students about a movie that was sent to he and his wife through a movie subscription service. Neither of them remembered ordering the movie but they decided to watch it anyway. The movie was awful. Instead of turning it off as they were tempted to do they continued watching and saw the entire bad movie all the way through. At the end of the movie the economist's wife said "well, at least we didn't have to pay for it." "Oh contrair," the economist replied "we just spent two hours of our life that we will never get back. We paid for it with our time."

Everything in life has a cost. All too often we only define cost in monetary terms. Time, effort, energy, trade of goods, services or money all serve as currency in our exchange. Recently I came home to three grumpy kids and a concerned wife. "The kids have been arguing all afternoon" she said. "They aren't normally like this." We pulled the family together and I began asking questions to see where the distance had been created and why they were at each other's throats. The problem, it turns out is that each one of them had done something to hurt each other's feeling. 

What we did next demonstrates the high cost of poor skill and understanding and how a paradigm shift can pay great dividends in getting more desirable results . We grabbed two cups for each kid and a jar of pennies. "Name one thing that your brother, and one thing that your sister can do to make you feel good" I asked our oldest. She gave me an idea for both. I took out the pennies and said that her cups represents the "emotional bank account" she has with each one. The pennies put in the cup represent the "deposits" or deeds that the other person has done. We went around the room and demonstrated deposits and withdrawls, how much value is placed on certain deposits and what each person felt like the deposits and withdrawls were truly worth.


Prior to this demonstration the kids had poor skill and understanding about what it was that they had done to get into the contentious state. The cost of this poor skill and understanding was high - relationships were on edge, they were not only making withdrawls, but the withdrawls were multiplying with each transaction. Escalation was sharp.

The concept of the emotional bank account has great application to all leadership situations. Deposits and withdrawls are made by you and I. The value, however is determined by the other party. Lack of skill and understanding can lead us to go into debt and double, triple and possibly continue to multiply our costs, sometimes without our knowing. Strong skill sets in communication and relationship building ensure that the emotional bank ledger is both visible and managed. Open communication ensures that deposits are understood for their value. 

After we went through the exercise with our kids I gave them an assignment. "Your mom and I are still going on our date tonight and I expect that while we are gone that you three consciously make deposits in each other's accounts." They now had the knowledge and were needing practice to develop the skills to deposit more and withdraw less. The end result? We came home from our date to three connected, unified and happy kids. They were laughing, showing affection and had visible connection.


There is no such thing as a free lunch. Our words and actions have a cost. We are either spending our currency on actions that lead to better rewards or we are, through poor skill and knowledge withdrawing more and more until we become so indebted that our creditor may eventually cut off our credit. Open up, ask what the deposits are and most importantly how much value the other person places on each deposit and you are well on the road to greater dividends. 

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Monday, November 18, 2013

Leader's Compass 9 - Put Down Your Dukes - How to Confront and not Combat

How often have you heard or said "I don't like confrontation?" This is a pretty common sentiment among most. Why? What is it that causes our anxiety to rise and our stomach churn when we think of confrontation? Unless you take pleasure in other's pain you most likely have a natural aversion to confrontation. If, like most you don't like confrontation you will most likely put it off, causing more anxiety, frustration and possibly even anger. What is the solution? Is there a better way? Fortunately for the skilled leader confrontation can be a positive, results based, relationship building time.

Confrontation and combative behavior are not synonymous. Confrontation can be skillfully executed without combatting. Before we look at how to skillfully confront problems lets first look at why we normally avoid confrontations.

1. Confrontation can lead to arguments, fights and damaged relationships. 
2. Confrontation can feel awkward because we are dealing with tough issues or tough people.
3. Confrontation is usually emotionally charged and can be emotionally draining.
4. Confrontation can come across as criticism which, in turn leaves us open to returned criticism.
5. Confrontation can feel difficult if we are confronting a colleague or superior. 


Let's look at a few myths regarding confrontation and some solutions and skills necessary to achieve our goals and objectives.

- Myth: Confrontation leads to fights. 
- Fact: Combative mentality leads to fights. Confrontation and combative behavior are not the same thing. True confrontational leaders confront problems and issues and stay away from combative behaviors.

- Myth: Confrontation is too hard and not worth it.
- Fact: People who avoid confrontation tend to have more anxiety in all they do. They work hard to avoid people and situations. In the long run thier life is much more difficult because thier problems don't get fully resolved and they have disfunctional patterns of relating with others.

- Myth: Confrontation is awkward. 
- Fact: Avoiding people and issues is more awkward. The awkward feeling comes from the current distance between two people, not the confrontation itself. Skilled confrontation diffuses the awkwardness.

In order to become a skilled leader who can, with skill and charisma confront problems remember the following points. 

1. The goal is to confront a problem or issue, not combat with a person. Beginning with the end result - a resolved problem and better relationship is essential for success. Starting with the right mentality will make massive strides in resolving conflicts quickly and effectively.
2. Go into every confrontation with the idea that you are confronting a problem, not a person. Skilled leaders make the confrontation about an issue. Combative emotional weaklings make confrontation about the other person. 
3. Think win-win. Prior to any confrontation plan out in your mind the path toward creating a win for both parties.
4. Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. Tell the other person "this is how I see it." Remember to separate your perspective from your emotions. After you have shared how you see the situation say "this is how I feel."
5. Always ask for feedback. After you have told the other person how you see the situation ask "how do you see it?" Remember that the other person WILL have a different perspective. The two perspectives are important in creating the win-win solution.
6. Own your expectations. Your expectations are yours, not the other persons. If you have expectations not being met ensure you communicate them. Avoid emotionally charged words and phrases that you know will get the other person agitated.
7. Keep the problem focused on the item at hand. Don't drag up the past or get dragged into it by the other person. Stay focused on the topic at hand.
8. Finally, and most important, be willing to agree to disagree without combat, conflict and creating hostility. If a win-win situation can not be reached you need to be able to agree to move on without hard feelings. 

A skilled execution of confronting a problem by a great leader will leave both parties feeling empowered and with clarity, a plan and better collaboration. 

Don't forget to keep your dukes down leave the boxing gloves at home. 

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Friday, November 15, 2013

Leader's Compass 8 - Top Ten Tips For A Bad Life - How To Be A Failure

Happiness. Fulfillment. Joy. Peace. Hrmmmph. They're all overrated. You don't have time for that. Want a life of unhappiness and no fulfillment? Want to be consistently overwhelmed and stressed out? Here are some tips on how to regularly sabotage your life and be a burned out "Me Monster" that no one wants to be around. Read on for your fool proof accelerate your aging, alienate your friends and add stress to your life plan.


1. Constantly question yourself. Question yourself so much that you can't take a step without feeling self conscious. Question your ability, your looks, your decisions and most important - constantly question your worth. Poking holes in everything you do will ensure you feel horrible and keep your focus on #1, the Me Monster. Oh, I almost forgot - when you constantly question yourself it makes it easier to blame others "for not believing in you" because you will filter anything they say through your self-doubt! Brilliant eh?!


2. Blame others. Stub your toe? It's the counters fault. Maybe it's your spouses fault - they were talking to you. If all else fail remember this - blame it on "a bad day." Learn how to take blame to the highest, most elaborate level. Here are a few expert tips:
     - Unfriend someone on Facebook...that'll teach em!
     - Talk bad about someone else when you mess up. Better yet, get others to talk bad about them too.
     - Call things stupid. It wasn't your fault, that "stupid" counter got in your way
Learn the art of blame and alienate people around you. Just remember to meet new people regularly to blame since you will consistently lose friends.


3. Hang onto your past! Don't move on. Live by looking back! Got picked on in 1st grade? Use that as the excuse to ALWAYS be a victim! Never achieved your goal weight in the past? Well you never will if you remember that and constantly look back. Hold onto all your past mistakes because let's be honest, people really don't change do they? Suck less? No way! I say suck more by repeating all your old mistakes. You'll feel much worse that way.


4. Freak out and melt down regularly. This is a tricky one that you have to determine what frequency works best for you. Does regularly mean daily, twice a week or just weekly? Once you've determined your frequency here are a few quick expert level tips:
     - Make your melt downs epic. Don't skimp when you blow up. MAKE a science out of making a scene.
     - Use absolute words like always and never. 
     - Bottle up your thoughts and emotions until the actual freak out time. This creates a bigger bang.
     - Blow up about the same thing regularly. Don't deal with challenges as they come. Stay consistent and blow up about the same stuff regularly. By doing so you can master the art if the blow up.
Don't forget that when you blow up its best to do so at those that are closest to you. Take your problems out on them first and then call it friendship.


5. Live inconsistently and NEVER plan. Make others keep guessing. The only thing in your life that is consistent should be your inconsistencies.


6. Take offense regularly. Get very good at listening intently to others and pick out things they say that you can quickly and immediately take offense to. Most important - DON'T try to understand them. Jump to conclusions quickly and then use thier words against them. You want to take this to expert level? Get offended and angry at the little things like someone cutting you off in traffic. Look for those times and you can, with effort stay grumpy all day.


7. Make excuses. Remember that excuses come quickly to the trained excuse maker. Fixing problems? Well that's too hard and takes time. 


8. Live your life based on what you think others think of you. Become so self absorbed that you think everyone is thinking about you and that they have a plan for your life. Constantly search your mind for what others think of you. Because you are not them you will never actually know what they think. Your anti-social skills will keep you from understanding others and you will be able to mentally and emotionally chase your tail for the rest of your life.


9. Learn to speak like a victim. Use words like they and them a lot. Call people names. Say you "have" to do things. Use the "I don't have time" phrase often. Take on more responsibility so you can blame your life on the extra stuff you "have" to do. When you do something wrong and someone confronts you say that they are "mean" or "rude" and tell others that you "got in trouble." This will take the focus off you and put it on that "mean jerk" who you got in trouble with.


10. Never soul search. Soul searching takes time and is stupid. It makes you feel weak and mushy  and isn't for you. If, at some point you do some soul searching "because you were forced to" at work, church or school remember that it can be undone by applying tips 1 and 8. 

There you have it. The top ten tips for a life of reality. Zombie on and keep your head buried in that electronic device. People suck and your problems are thier fault.

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Sunday, November 10, 2013

Leader's Compass 7 - The Shell Game - The Wrong Game to Play With Your Life and Career

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction"
- Albert Einstein 

Let's play a game. I'll speak and you nod approvingly. The more I talk about things that you don't understand you engage more - not to learn - but to pretend that you already know what I'm talking about. 

We've all seen the shell game played out before. Someone takes a small ball or token  and places it under one of three shells. My job is to keep my eye on the shell that has the ball underneath it and, regardless of movement or distraction guess where the ball is. The more skilled the gamer - the more difficult it is for me to stay with the ball.

This game is played out mentally and emotionally regularly in our lives, our jobs, our relationships etc. by taking the ball (what we don't know, our ignorance) and moving it around, distracting those around us. Nodding, validating comments, flattery, deflection, changing the subject - all these tools can be used to win the shell game and hide our weakness from others and often ourselves. As Einstein said, "any intelligent fool can make things...more complex."



Years ago I worked very hard to increase the maximum amount of weight I could dead lift. I worked hard for months and even years to perfect my form, increase my strength and little by little improve the amount I could lift. I remember when I broke past the 400 lb barrier. It felt great for a guy my size to lift over 400 lbs. It felt heavy! Just thinking about the weight now makes my body tighten up!

Over the years I've observed that, for some there is a set of words that seem to weigh so much that men and women just don't want to lift them up. Three words - "I don't know" - seem as heavy as my 400 lb dead lifts. It's easier for some to play the shell game rather than admit, with both humility and willingness to learn that they don't know. 

Some years ago I ran into a roadblock when trying to figure out a complicated problem for a client. Frustrated, the phrase - "If I don't know, it's my time to grow" came to mind. Since then, this simple phrase has reminded me that if and when I reach the end of my competence in a particular area of life, growth is on the other side of admitting my current knowledge or skill gap.

Experts make difficult ideas, concepts and/or tasks seem simple. I think this is part of what Einstien was referencing in his quote. A fool plays games to deceive. Genius and courage come from those who decide to take the first step toward progress by saying "I don't know." Experts are created by starting with the "I don't know," progressing toward the "I will know," and staying consistent with the "I do" until time and experience have polished them into an expert.

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Saturday, November 9, 2013

Leader's Compass 6 - Walking is Overated - Give up And Sit on The Couch

When you were young you learned to roll over. In time you developed to the point where not only could you roll but you could sit up, scoot, crawl, stand, walk and eventually run. It took you countless hours, weeks, months and years to successfully develop the skill of walking and, unless you have been injured or debilitated in some way you have never stopped. Why would you?
Did you know that after formal education (high school or college) most people stop reading? Why? I'm sure there are several well thought out excuses, but ultimately many people simply stop educating themselves after they are forced to.

Think back for a minute to the time you began looking at the alphabet. When did you begin identifying, observing, writing and reading letters, words and then sentences and paragraphs? Over the years the time we each invest in this form of communication far outweighs the time we invested in learning to walk and yet at a certain point in life many of those who are literate simply chose not to continue. This phenomenon has always facinated me. 

One of the phrases I use regularly in teaching is that if you are good at making excuses you probably suck at everything else. Why don't you read? Why don't you learn? Why don't you exercise, eat well, show love, exhibit patience, practice self-control, communicate effectively, save and invest money, work hard or BE who you want to be? The answers to these questions can lead down two paths - one of excuse or one of skill development, growth and life long learning.

Research shows that typically the most successful people in any area of life are not the most talented or the most naturally gifted. Those who succeed at life, in business, in love, relationships, sports or any other discipline are those who have a constant and never ending passion for learning, growth and dedicated, focused work.

The excuse makers forget that we live in an era of unprecedented educational resources. You can buy and/or access newspapers, books, articles and essays about any subject by masters of success from all over the world. You want to pick the brain of DaVinci, Einstein or The Dali Lhama? Simple. You want to learn how to make, save, invest and grow money from the worlds wealthiest? No problem. Learn the steps to fulfillment? Done. Understand the steps of effective communication? It's all out there.


Let's be honest though - isn't life easier being ignorant? Isn't it easier to extend our finger to point out and blame others, or, even better, extend the other finger to tell them how we really feel? I say we all give up and throw out the countless hours of skill development, stop walking and continue to have "chosen" illiteracy. Good idea? Great! I'll see you on the couch...just don't touch my remote!

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Friday, November 8, 2013

How to Deal with Difficult People


"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
-          Walt Kelly

Picture this - you are going about your day and you notice something wrong. It's not in your department, your area, but it is in your company. You have several choices at this moment:

1. Ignore it and move on
2. Report it to a superior
3. Fix the problem yourself
4. Discuss the problem with the manager over the department where you notice the problem and seek to find a way together to fix it
5. Gossip about the problem, the worker(s) and manager(s) involved
6. Explode emotionally and criticize those around for not seeing the problem and fixing it

One of the purest definitions of a leader is by defining the word leader as a verb, an action word. A leader, therefore is not the title, the position, but rather a leader is a leader because of -

1. Who they are and
2. What they do

With this understanding in mind I want you to go back and look at the scenario above and ask yourself "what would a proactive, principle centered leader do in this situation?"

Let's say for the sake of our topic today that you choose to fix the immediate problem and then follow up with a discussion with the manager over the area or department in which you noticed the problem. Through your proactive approach and your partnering paradigm you hope and possibly expect that the manager would respond with both gratitude and a willing attitude to fix future problems. The result, however becomes just the opposite. Perhaps you hear one of the following responses:
- "Why aren't you minding your own business?"
- "Who are you to criticize?"
- "You don't run my department and you don't understand the stresses I am under."
- "Why don't you fix the problems in your area first before bringing me problems, it's not like you or your department are perfect!"

Sound familiar? What next? How dare they? I was just trying to help? Well now I’m just going to give up and only focus on me and my area? These are all natural responses. But they are not the response of a true leader.


True leaders carry their own weather inside them. They are not swayed by the external winds and rains that others may bring. The outside tempest from another individual or group does not sway the true leader who proactively understands that they control their response regardless of another person or their reaction.

So, what is the solution? This is where your leadership comes in. Many of us try to deal with these situations at the wrong time – in the moment. Take time now to review the scenario above, or one you have recently encountered and write out your proactive, leader focused response. They enemy of our growth is not the person in front of us – it is our own lack of preparation. They key to dealing with difficult people is to anticipate the challenges ahead of time, plan several responses that are respectful, polite and proactive in nature. Carry your calm with you by ensuring you have already “dealt with” difficult people and situations before interacting with them. Plan well and lead on.

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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Working Inside Out - Confidence in Action


"Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud." - Kushandwzdom

 As you observe nature you come to realize that many organisms have a symbiotic relationship. Examples abound in all areas relating to our health, relationships and the global economy. One example is found in our internal digestion and immune system which rely on bacteria in the gut. Conversely, without us the bacteria could not live and thrive. We are symbiotic, organisms that live off of each other for mutual benefit. Another example is found in economics. A draught in the American heartland can cause a decrease in the nation's corn production. Decreased corn production in America affects food prices in all products that use corn and corn derivatives. As these commodity prices are affected companies adjust the prices of other products to ensure they can make the profit margins needed to run an effective business. This causes you and I to pay more for products even if we don't use much corn or products with corn.

 A symbiotic relationship in personal leadership is confidence and action. Without consistent bold action in ways that move us forward we will lack confidence. Without confidence we may lack consistent bold action toward our vision, values and goals. One feeds the other. Conversely, one pulls from and starves the other if neglected. To prove this point try this simple exercise. Write on a piece of paper one thing or one area you do not feel confident in. Directly below write one action you can take toward feeling more confident. Now, here's the tricky part - get up RIGHT NOW and do the thing you wrote down. Don't do what non-leaders do - procrastinate. Go do it now and note how you feel. You will notice an increase in confidence almost immediately. Use that confidence to keep going and you will continue to grow in your confidence and accomplishment. It is a cyclical, symbiotic relationship that can lead to consistent happiness and progression.


 Work on the inside and move out. Build your confidence through your action and you will find yourself less likely to point the finger outward, less likely to say "they" or "that" is the problem. Best wishes on your growth!

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Monday, November 4, 2013

The Little Things - Success Mastery


"Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things...I am tempted to think...there are no little things"
- Bruce Barton

Successful leaders realize that by small and simple things, great things are built. When coaching young talent the challenge of the leader is two-fold:

1. Effectively communicate the grand vision of the organization, the goal and the individual(s) impact and
2. Show the followers the power and importance of all the little details needed to build success without overwhelming them in the process.

This challenge of balancing broad vision with detailed execution is best done by providing transparency in both vision and process to all involved. By involving others in executing the "small and simple" the leader can gain buy in to the broader vision. Transparency also breeds trust in relationships and thus in organizations.

Successful leaders teach that the big picture success is only achieved by taking one careful step at a time. Paint broad strokes. Define the details. Step back to get perspective, pay attention to everything needed to succeed and work like hell. Don't forget, mastery takes time - for you, and others. Patience and persistence breed mastery in "the little things" that breed long term success.

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Saturday, November 2, 2013

The Artists View - How Criticism Blocks Creativity



"Be curious, not judgmental."
- Walt Whitman

One of the things an accomplished artist learns early on is to pause and observe the world without judgement before making his or her mark. Prior to pencil, pen, paint or chisel striking the artist must stop, be silent and observe the world as it is, free of judgement, claim, criticism and with patience and calmness. Only then, can he create, carve, sculpt, draw, sketch or paint his masterpiece.

Leadership follows art. True leaders, like artists should follow the same process. Life, like art is a beautiful tapestry of color, culture, people, places and movement. Before sketching, sculpting and inserting her expression of talent and skill the leader must, with dispassionate patience observe situations. Only then can she exhibit masterful leadership and application of her talent.

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