Happiness. Fulfillment. Joy. Peace. Hrmmmph. They're all overrated. You don't have time for that. Want a life of unhappiness and no fulfillment? Want to be consistently overwhelmed and stressed out? Here are some tips on how to regularly sabotage your life and be a burned out "Me Monster" that no one wants to be around. Read on for your fool proof accelerate your aging, alienate your friends and add stress to your life plan.
1. Constantly question yourself. Question yourself so much that you can't take a step without feeling self conscious. Question your ability, your looks, your decisions and most important - constantly question your worth. Poking holes in everything you do will ensure you feel horrible and keep your focus on #1, the Me Monster. Oh, I almost forgot - when you constantly question yourself it makes it easier to blame others "for not believing in you" because you will filter anything they say through your self-doubt! Brilliant eh?!
2. Blame others. Stub your toe? It's the counters fault. Maybe it's your spouses fault - they were talking to you. If all else fail remember this - blame it on "a bad day." Learn how to take blame to the highest, most elaborate level. Here are a few expert tips:
- Unfriend someone on Facebook...that'll teach em!
- Talk bad about someone else when you mess up. Better yet, get others to talk bad about them too.
- Call things stupid. It wasn't your fault, that "stupid" counter got in your way
Learn the art of blame and alienate people around you. Just remember to meet new people regularly to blame since you will consistently lose friends.
3. Hang onto your past! Don't move on. Live by looking back! Got picked on in 1st grade? Use that as the excuse to ALWAYS be a victim! Never achieved your goal weight in the past? Well you never will if you remember that and constantly look back. Hold onto all your past mistakes because let's be honest, people really don't change do they? Suck less? No way! I say suck more by repeating all your old mistakes. You'll feel much worse that way.
4. Freak out and melt down regularly. This is a tricky one that you have to determine what frequency works best for you. Does regularly mean daily, twice a week or just weekly? Once you've determined your frequency here are a few quick expert level tips:
- Make your melt downs epic. Don't skimp when you blow up. MAKE a science out of making a scene.
- Use absolute words like always and never.
- Bottle up your thoughts and emotions until the actual freak out time. This creates a bigger bang.
- Blow up about the same thing regularly. Don't deal with challenges as they come. Stay consistent and blow up about the same stuff regularly. By doing so you can master the art if the blow up.
Don't forget that when you blow up its best to do so at those that are closest to you. Take your problems out on them first and then call it friendship.
5. Live inconsistently and NEVER plan. Make others keep guessing. The only thing in your life that is consistent should be your inconsistencies.
6. Take offense regularly. Get very good at listening intently to others and pick out things they say that you can quickly and immediately take offense to. Most important - DON'T try to understand them. Jump to conclusions quickly and then use thier words against them. You want to take this to expert level? Get offended and angry at the little things like someone cutting you off in traffic. Look for those times and you can, with effort stay grumpy all day.
7. Make excuses. Remember that excuses come quickly to the trained excuse maker. Fixing problems? Well that's too hard and takes time.
8. Live your life based on what you think others think of you. Become so self absorbed that you think everyone is thinking about you and that they have a plan for your life. Constantly search your mind for what others think of you. Because you are not them you will never actually know what they think. Your anti-social skills will keep you from understanding others and you will be able to mentally and emotionally chase your tail for the rest of your life.
9. Learn to speak like a victim. Use words like they and them a lot. Call people names. Say you "have" to do things. Use the "I don't have time" phrase often. Take on more responsibility so you can blame your life on the extra stuff you "have" to do. When you do something wrong and someone confronts you say that they are "mean" or "rude" and tell others that you "got in trouble." This will take the focus off you and put it on that "mean jerk" who you got in trouble with.
10. Never soul search. Soul searching takes time and is stupid. It makes you feel weak and mushy and isn't for you. If, at some point you do some soul searching "because you were forced to" at work, church or school remember that it can be undone by applying tips 1 and 8.
There you have it. The top ten tips for a life of reality. Zombie on and keep your head buried in that electronic device. People suck and your problems are thier fault.
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