Leader's Compass 17 - Invictus - I Am The Master Of My Fate

Invictus is Latin for "undefeated." In 1875 25 year old William Earnest Henley penned the poem Invictus from his hospital bed. Doctors removed his lower leg due to tubuculosis in an effort to save Henley's life. The following poem was his response to his life challenges.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole

I thank whatever gods may be

For the unconquerable soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud,

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years 

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid

It matters not how straight the gait

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul

Three feet from gold, as the old story goes is how close many get before they stop digging and give up. Forget that great accomplishments were never had except for great work, determined focus and consistent driving.

Recently I observed a man give up in an area where he could have created a monopoly doing what he loved most. Over a slightly short period of time his pursuits would have yielded great results, but, in his eyes "they weren't happening fast enough." He gave up, quit and "moved on" giving up great potential stability, satisfaction and wealth. He was, by his choice, defeated. Impatience breeds impotence. Impotence is truly that - a lack of potency, or, in other words a lack of power.

As a student of life, leadership, business, finance and fulfillment I have seen impatience rob so many of the wealth that comes with time and effort. "Spending" before acquiring in any area of life is a hallmark of impatience and impotence. Wealth in any area - emotional maturity, knowledge, wisdom, relationships, finances, take time to build. Patience breeds power. Persistence brings potency. Passion births performance.

I love that the title of Henley's poem means undefeated. In the final two lines he describes why. "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." Defeat is determined by us, individually when we give up, throw in the towel and divorce our current pursuit. As the master of fate and captain of soul each of us chooses defeat or victory because, until the reaper takes us from the earth, WE determine the game clock. Haven't achieved victory yet? Not dead? Good...extend your timeline, change your approach, adapt, adjust and stay the course. 

You are the master of your fate. You are the captain of your soul. Do yourself a favor this year. Don't write out resolutions. Determine the power of your soul by deciding what you WILL create. Decide and then commit. Weak minds write resolutions. Strong minds use resolve as it's intended purpose - as an action word. Resolve. Commit to your definition of success and move forward. BE the master of your fate. BE the captain of your soul. BE invictus.

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Leader's Compass 16 - High Five! - 5 Things Successful People Habitually Do

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

Many years ago I learned that success and failure both have one thing in common - they leave traces, lessons and patterns for us to learn from and, if we chose, to follow. Here are five things that successful people habitually do.

1. They do no unnecessary harm. Driving your car emits toxins into the environment. The food you eat was brought to the store by trucks that pollute the environment even more. Living a bold life can agitate and/or offend some. 

Harm is done daily no matter what we do. Successful people, however live an examined life to see how their actions can negatively affect others, the environment and the economy they live in. Their first mantra is to limit the suffering and harm. This isn't done by hiding away your talents, not driving your car or even by being an over-analyzer. Successful people simply take inventory of their life regularly and reduce the things that unnecessarily harm others.

2. They build lasting wealth physically and financially. Successful people learn how to discipline their movement, food intake and spending to build lasting wealth. 

You won't find successful people changing their diet and going on a "workout craze!" They don't let the pendulum swing to over-save and then back to over-spend. They work daily in each area to build just a little more wealth. Over time their efforts snowball and physical and financial wealth builds up.

3. They commit. Successful people make commitments, not resolutions. It's a well known fact statistically and from our own personal histories that making a resolution - like a New Years resolution doesn't work. Success comes from commitment. You want a better body? Commit to working out at a certain time every day. Your body will come. You want more money? Commit to learning more skill, saving more and investing what you have. 

Listen to the way successful people talk. They talk about how they "will" do something - not how they "want" to do something. To solidify this concept in your mind make a personal commitment to change something in your life. Better relationship? Better body? Better personal economy? What do you want? Decide and then go to www.commitmentday.com to join the movement to change January 1st from "New Year's Day" to "Commitment Day." Together we can commit to a better life, a better country and more personal accountability in our society. Successful people commit.

4. They do not let fear of failure paralyze them into inaction. Successful people know that they will make mistakes. They know that failure is just a road marker on the path toward success. They know that the only way they will truly fail is through inaction - either stopping before trying because of fear, or stopping when they have fallen because of fear and embarrassment. 

5. Successful people consistently work to master skill in life. Skill brings happiness. Think about it for a moment. The challenges you have in life are mitigated and happiness is elevated when you have the skill to handle them. 

The person with poor communication skills - poor listening, poor restate, poor empathy skills will have a difficult time in relationships. Those who have developed the skills needed to listen, speak and resolve conflict have happier and more successful lives.

Skilled money managers have less stress financially and are happier in their personal economy. Skilled workers do the job well, with focus, ease and a certain spretzzatura. They enjoy their jobs more.

In the end successful people know that the five things listed above are not one-time events. Successful people aren't looking to hit the relationship lottery, they housing lottery, the financial lottery or the happiness lottery. They create, foster and nurture habits that make them successful. Successful people do no unnecessary harm, they build lasting physical and financial wealth, they regularly commit to a course of action in life, they do not let fear of failure paralyze them into inaction and finally they work to master skill in each area of life. 

Successful people don't have a magic pill or better genetics. They, like you and I chose their life daily. They see the patterns and traces left by others and they follow the path that leads them where they want to go. Which road will you take?

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Leader's Compass 15 - Learn YOUR Language First...Keys to Effective Personal Growth

The other day my wife and I sat in the office of the counselor at our daughter's middle school to discuss college plans and what she would need to do in high school to prepare for those plans. Afterward we both commented to each other how impressed we were with the detail and precision of the process. "Wow," my wife commented "WE never had anything like that when we were younger."

What could have or would have happened if we had the opportunity to sit and discuss future plans and how our actions then affected our future? Too tough to tell, but a very interesting thought nonetheless.

I'll admit that when I was younger I was a horrible student in my formal education. My free-thinking, creative and questioning mind got me into several debates with teachers. Each quarter and semester we were not only given letter grades for performance, but also citizenship grades for behavior. "U" or "unsatisfactory" and "N" for "needs improvement" were the two most common on my report cards. I doubt that there are many of my teachers that have a picture of me on their wall with fond memories in their mind. Such are the mistakes of a creative youth.

As I matured in life I leaned that one of the biggest challenges I had was that I didn't understand my learning style. As a visually dominant artist I struggled to sit and listen to my high school teachers lecture. As a practical, analytical mind I struggled to retain knowledge that didn't fit into the larger world and the only "practical" answer when asked "how does this apply to life" was "shut up, you'll need it when you're older." As you can imagine that answer never sat well with me and the debate was on.

Over time I learned that in order for me to learn concepts, ideas and skills I need to be effective in life I needed to first learn what made me tick and how I learned best. I made it my personal mission to figure this out. I read books, took tests and tried several approaches. Through the combination of all the personality, learning style tests, assessments and trial and error I found the approach that worked best for me. Meyers Briggs, Color Code, Love Language, basic psychology, you name it, I studied and tried it.

With effort, through study, trial and error I have essentially "learned my language." I now know well what works for me and how I need to learn in order to maximize retention and improve skill.

Investing time into understanding your basic patterns can pay great dividends in the long run. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Once you've found out what your language is don't keep trying to reinvent the wheel. Find what works and stick with it.

2. Realize that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to learn. What works for you is the real "right" way.

3. Invest time into taking assessments, tests and evaluations to get a comprehensive look at your individual language. Your personal tapestry of talent, knowledge and skill will become more prevalent with study, practice and time.

4. Above all utilize the scientific method and truly test out the theories on yourself. Not every assessment will peg you perfectly. Experiment. Test them out. Be bold and don't be afraid to try new ideas.

Recently I saw a video where legendary investor Charlie Munger complimented his business partner Warren Buffett by saying "that in many ways Warren has become a better student with age." He and Buffett both contribute their wealth to their love of lifelong learning. Two men who know their language are also two very financially successful men.

Before you can create success in finance, business or relationships you need to first learn what makes you tick. How do you work best? You may not have had all the tools and resources available as our children at a young age. But, you do have those resources now. The school of life is always in session. What excites me most about this school is I really don't mind getting those "unsatisfactory" citizenship grades anymore. Learn your language and you will be able to lead others better. Learn on, lead on.

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Leadership Defined - The Two Things That Define a Leader

We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to the critics.

Recently the world lost a great leader in former South African President Nelson Mandela. Following the report of his death articles and posts about his life have have been plentiful and polarized. Uninformed about his early life many were shocked to hear that this powerful leader was once classified as an angry "terrorist." The Wall Street Journal posted an article with the following quote:

"Mandela was an extraordinary man," said Carlos Alberto Montaner, a Cuban based in Miami. "You can't judge him by the friends he had. You have to judge him by the incredible things he did. He went into prison as an angry Lenin, and came out as a sensible and peaceful Gandhi."

Leaders are not born, they are created. No other life can embody this concept than the life of this great former president. Leaders are not born, they are created. This is because at the heart of it a leader is a leader because of two things - who they are (character) and what they do (action and skill). Whether you lead a few - a small family as a mother or lead many - as the president of a nation you are defined by these two parts - who you are and what you do.

Character is something developed over time. Our character is based on concepts we learn early in life. Humility, loyalty, empathy, pro activity, compassion...all character traits are developed over time, literally over a life time. Think back to a time when, as a child you did something you knew was wrong and when confronted by a parent, teacher or other authority figure you lied to get out of taking responsibility. We all did it. In fact we still do it until, over time we condition ourselves toward the character traits of honesty and personal accountability (for more on this subject read the book QBQ...you might be shocked at how often you make excuses for your life). 

As Mandela's life exhibited character traits take time, perspective and conditioning to stick and become habitual. Be persistent and be patient. Those who have lived a long life will tell you that we all have our personal character battles and the key is to never give up.

Now to the doing part. Leaders are leaders not just because of who they are. Leaders are leaders because of what they do. They work hard. They develop skill. They persist and master their craft. They practice speaking, listening, studying. They practice, practice practice. They work hard and DO the things a leader should do. There is a catch though. Leaders are guided by an internal compass and don't sway left or right based on public opinion. "Why is he doing that?" "I heard she said this." Comments from others are viewed as just that - comments from others. The leader moves with conviction, vision and passion to DO what needs to be done, not to actively alienate, but to ultimately create clear choice for others - follow me or follow your own path. 

It's often been said that the best way to lead is by example. This is only partially true. True leaders do what they need to do while inspiring others to use their own talents, tools and resources to follow their own path to success. 

Some years back I read about how taking ice cold showers can be beneficial for your health and boost your immune system. I've experienced this firsthand. What I learned through experience is an added psychological benefit. I've found that each morning when I wake up, shave and then stand in the shower with ice cold water hitting my face and chest I am emboldened to tackle any tough challenges the day may bring my way. I figure that if I can get hit in the face with ice cold water first thing in the morning the rest of the day is pretty easy. This routine works great for me. Do I expect others to follow my example? Absolutely not. It's a pretty crazy idea, but it works for me. It's one of the things I DO to prepare me for any leadership moments that may come my way.

When I was younger I had an art teacher that taught me a powerful life lesson that has never left me. Eager for feedback on a drawing I was working on I would ask him daily how he thought it was looking. After several days he finally looked at me and said "Steve, be confident, finish it, put it in a frame and then we can judge it. Stop judging it while you are creating it." Later, in college an art professor gave a definition that reinforced this concept. He defined art as "the process of correction through recognition." 

Ultimately our lives as leaders will be judged when the tapestry we call life is framed and hanging on the wall. Until then our job is to course correct when we recognize we are off our defined path. Leaders are leaders because of who they are and what they do. Remember that in your creation process the examples of great leaders, like Mandela and their ability to grow and course correct can be a framework for your life. In the end - YOU are a leader because of who you are and what you do. LIFE is the process of correction through recognition. Leadership is the process of correction through recogninition. Live on. Lead on.

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Can I Borrow a Feeling? Who's Really in Charge...You or Your Emotions?

The Greatest Generation was a generation defined by thier sacrifice, dedication and emotional maturity. History teaches us that one of The Geatest Generation's examples was their combined subjugation of emotion for the betterment of the country. This generation worked hard and sacrificed unnecessary pleasures for the betterment of the country. They gave life, limb, family and comfort for the rest of us. We still benefit today from the actions of this generation.

In our day and age the lessons of this generation would be very beneficial for us to remember. Today we Facebook, Tweet and Pin our emotions as if we worship them. "Feeling argh..." "Feeling sad..." "Feeling grrr..." You've seen the posts. Worse yet, you've seen the people whose lives are ruled and run by their emotions. We've gotten so good at not only expressing every emotion, but justifying them as well. "I know, right!?" "You SHOULD feel like that!"

Stephen R. Covey taught in his book "Principle Centered Leadership" that there are several "center" options for our life - family center, religion center, career center, emotion center etc. Ultimately, if we want a life that fulfills our needs and wants while contributing to the greater good we would do well to center our lives around a set of principles that we value. That way, our lives are driven by an unchangeable core and yet are flexible in execution and application when needed.

I'm not sure when, how or why we moved toward a more self-centered, ME, emotion driven cultural shift but it concerns me. Emotion drives life far too often. This leaves the emotionally driven person in the passenger seat of thier lives wondering "where all the drama comes from," "why they can't get on top of their lives" and "why life has to be so hard."

The mature leader has, at some point come to the realization that emotions should be the tool, the car rather than the driver of the car. To illustrate this point follow this simple exercise. Write down ALL of the emotions you feel in one week. After your list reaches a certain length and you see the difference between all emotions you feel you come to realize that if you let your emotions run you rather than you controlling and using them you will lead a pretty exhausting life. 

The next step may be one of the most powerful pieces to the puzzle. Put a star by or highlight the emotions you want to feel on a regular basis and feel with more intensity. Once you've chosen your list you now have the choice to create your life to feel those emotions more, or to continue to let your emotions run you. 

Ultimately, either through conscious choice, or lazy non-choice you are choosing. You are the driver. You know how to create the emotions and you chose your focus. Where will those choices lead you? You ARE the driver.

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Um...like...so...yeah...you've been kicked out of the babysitter's club.

When I was a kid my sister devoured the books "The Babysitters Club." She had so many that there was an entire shelf devoted to them in my parents massive library bookcase. Having never read any I can only assume that they are literary masterpieces about a group of kids that babysit for a living. 

My avoidance of this literature notwithstanding I understand the concept of babysitting - watching someone else's kids either for money or as a favor. When my wife and I were younger we would trade off with family and friends babysitting each other's kids for our date nights. The trades went fine and we saved some money doing so at a less than financially strong point in our marriage.

Babysitting as a profession has never interested me. I love my kids, have a great time with them and love being a dad. Outside of that I've never had a strong pull to be a professional babysitter. Many people are much better at it than I am. I chose to go into management instead.

"Wait a minute," some say "isn't management just babysitting adults?" "If it is" I respond "then you have the wrong idea about leading and managing." 

As a manager of managers I've heard often from young managers "I don't like to babysit," "I don't want to babysit" or "why do I have to babysit?" Fundamentally this level of thinking is very flawed. Here are a few reasons why:

1. A manager manages processes. 

2. A leader leads people. 

3. Babysitters change baby's diapers, wipe thier noses, feed them and ensure thier safety and happiness during the short time window they babysit.

4. A manager sets clear expectations and then follows up to inspect what they expect.

5. Babysitters watch every move, keep an eye on every moment.

6. A leader creates vision, transfers the vision to other intelligent adults and inspires them to believe in the vision.

7. Managers do thier job - they "manage" and oversee all thing related to the desired outcome.

8. Babysitters understand that they baby has needs that they can not meet by themselves.

9. Leaders understand that the people on their team are both capable and willing to meet thier needs and the needs of the team with the right education, direction, motivation and accountability.

10. Leaders respect individual differences and allow for them in the process of working together for a goal or objective.

The assumption young, inexperienced and/or lazy managers make is that just because they are working with adults they do not need to follow up and inspect thier expectations. Naively and lazily they think that just because they (the manager) says something needs to be done it will get done right, the first time, with no follow up and no other work on the managers part. Having to actually do the job of managing the process and lead the people then becomes "babysitting" in the immature manager's eyes. 

Great managers and great leaders know that everyone in the process of achieving the goal plays a part and that their own part is to not only be the visionary, but also to be THE accountant. Inspiration and accountability are two respectful and powerful tools the strong, mature leader/manager uses when working with adults. Devisive words like "babysitting" expose the leader as a confused and/or lazy manager who either does not understand their own role or does not want to play their part.

If you want to be a great manager and an inspirational leader retire the term babysitting from your management vocabulary. You have officially been kicked out of the babysitter's club and have stepped into the mature world of leadership. Welcome!

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Leader's Compass 11 - F!%# and the G-word - How they are ruining your life

Congratulations...you got past the title of this blog which means you think I'm either going to cuss a lot or you're just a curious little one that's not afraid to dig deeper. The little self righteous ones are thinking that this is going to be some damn post about how cussing is ruining your life. Wrong...it's about the soft words you use to deceive yourself and block your personal progress. Sorry selfies.

In the book "Good to Great" author Jim Collins says that most people do not have great lives, businesses, relationships, etc. because most people good lives, good businesses, good relationships. Good is the enemy of great. Why isn't your life amazing? Because you use the "F" word too much... Your life is "fine"... or it's "good."

Human behavior expert Anthony Robbins teaches that fabric softener is great for making our clothes feel good...verbal softeners, on the other hand are not great for making our souls feel good. Sure, saying you're fine or good will make you feel better in the moment...but your soul will still feel unsettled, agitated and unfulfilled. You're not fine...you're upset. You're not good, you're overweight. You're not fine, you're a poor money manager. You're not good, you're explosive and volatile in relationships. You're not fine, you're living a zombie life of poor experience and an over-abundance of technology. Softening reality only makes self deception more powerful and delays our direct action towards a great life. 

Fine and good are two of the worst softeners we use in our vocabulary and are two words that dam us from progressing. You want to improve an area of your life? Call it like you see it. Then, and only then can you, your soul, your brain, your heart get the reality of your current situation and provide firm footing for progress. 

Stop "fining" your life. Stop being so "good." Be great by starting where you truly are and moving forward from there. You weren't born to be fine...you weren't born to be good...BE great.

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Leader's Compass 10 - There is No Free Lunch - The High Cost of Poor Skill

In economics one of the guiding principles is that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Some time ago an economics professor gave a lecture and told his students about a movie that was sent to he and his wife through a movie subscription service. Neither of them remembered ordering the movie but they decided to watch it anyway. The movie was awful. Instead of turning it off as they were tempted to do they continued watching and saw the entire bad movie all the way through. At the end of the movie the economist's wife said "well, at least we didn't have to pay for it." "Oh contrair," the economist replied "we just spent two hours of our life that we will never get back. We paid for it with our time."

Everything in life has a cost. All too often we only define cost in monetary terms. Time, effort, energy, trade of goods, services or money all serve as currency in our exchange. Recently I came home to three grumpy kids and a concerned wife. "The kids have been arguing all afternoon" she said. "They aren't normally like this." We pulled the family together and I began asking questions to see where the distance had been created and why they were at each other's throats. The problem, it turns out is that each one of them had done something to hurt each other's feeling. 

What we did next demonstrates the high cost of poor skill and understanding and how a paradigm shift can pay great dividends in getting more desirable results . We grabbed two cups for each kid and a jar of pennies. "Name one thing that your brother, and one thing that your sister can do to make you feel good" I asked our oldest. She gave me an idea for both. I took out the pennies and said that her cups represents the "emotional bank account" she has with each one. The pennies put in the cup represent the "deposits" or deeds that the other person has done. We went around the room and demonstrated deposits and withdrawls, how much value is placed on certain deposits and what each person felt like the deposits and withdrawls were truly worth.

Prior to this demonstration the kids had poor skill and understanding about what it was that they had done to get into the contentious state. The cost of this poor skill and understanding was high - relationships were on edge, they were not only making withdrawls, but the withdrawls were multiplying with each transaction. Escalation was sharp.

The concept of the emotional bank account has great application to all leadership situations. Deposits and withdrawls are made by you and I. The value, however is determined by the other party. Lack of skill and understanding can lead us to go into debt and double, triple and possibly continue to multiply our costs, sometimes without our knowing. Strong skill sets in communication and relationship building ensure that the emotional bank ledger is both visible and managed. Open communication ensures that deposits are understood for their value. 

After we went through the exercise with our kids I gave them an assignment. "Your mom and I are still going on our date tonight and I expect that while we are gone that you three consciously make deposits in each other's accounts." They now had the knowledge and were needing practice to develop the skills to deposit more and withdraw less. The end result? We came home from our date to three connected, unified and happy kids. They were laughing, showing affection and had visible connection.

There is no such thing as a free lunch. Our words and actions have a cost. We are either spending our currency on actions that lead to better rewards or we are, through poor skill and knowledge withdrawing more and more until we become so indebted that our creditor may eventually cut off our credit. Open up, ask what the deposits are and most importantly how much value the other person places on each deposit and you are well on the road to greater dividends. 

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Leader's Compass 9 - Put Down Your Dukes - How to Confront and not Combat

How often have you heard or said "I don't like confrontation?" This is a pretty common sentiment among most. Why? What is it that causes our anxiety to rise and our stomach churn when we think of confrontation? Unless you take pleasure in other's pain you most likely have a natural aversion to confrontation. If, like most you don't like confrontation you will most likely put it off, causing more anxiety, frustration and possibly even anger. What is the solution? Is there a better way? Fortunately for the skilled leader confrontation can be a positive, results based, relationship building time.

Confrontation and combative behavior are not synonymous. Confrontation can be skillfully executed without combatting. Before we look at how to skillfully confront problems lets first look at why we normally avoid confrontations.

1. Confrontation can lead to arguments, fights and damaged relationships. 

2. Confrontation can feel awkward because we are dealing with tough issues or tough people.

3. Confrontation is usually emotionally charged and can be emotionally draining.

4. Confrontation can come across as criticism which, in turn leaves us open to returned criticism.

5. Confrontation can feel difficult if we are confronting a colleague or superior. 

Let's look at a few myths regarding confrontation and some solutions and skills necessary to achieve our goals and objectives.

- Myth: Confrontation leads to fights. 

- Fact: Combative mentality leads to fights. Confrontation and combative behavior are not the same thing. True confrontational leaders confront problems and issues and stay away from combative behaviors.

- Myth: Confrontation is too hard and not worth it.

- Fact: People who avoid confrontation tend to have more anxiety in all they do. They work hard to avoid people and situations. In the long run thier life is much more difficult because thier problems don't get fully resolved and they have disfunctional patterns of relating with others.

- Myth: Confrontation is awkward. 

- Fact: Avoiding people and issues is more awkward. The awkward feeling comes from the current distance between two people, not the confrontation itself. Skilled confrontation diffuses the awkwardness.

In order to become a skilled leader who can, with skill and charisma confront problems remember the following points. 

1. The goal is to confront a problem or issue, not combat with a person. Beginning with the end result - a resolved problem and better relationship is essential for success. Starting with the right mentality will make massive strides in resolving conflicts quickly and effectively.

2. Go into every confrontation with the idea that you are confronting a problem, not a person. Skilled leaders make the confrontation about an issue. Combative emotional weaklings make confrontation about the other person. 

3. Think win-win. Prior to any confrontation plan out in your mind the path toward creating a win for both parties.

4. Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. Tell the other person "this is how I see it." Remember to separate your perspective from your emotions. After you have shared how you see the situation say "this is how I feel."

5. Always ask for feedback. After you have told the other person how you see the situation ask "how do you see it?" Remember that the other person WILL have a different perspective. The two perspectives are important in creating the win-win solution.

6. Own your expectations. Your expectations are yours, not the other persons. If you have expectations not being met ensure you communicate them. Avoid emotionally charged words and phrases that you know will get the other person agitated.

7. Keep the problem focused on the item at hand. Don't drag up the past or get dragged into it by the other person. Stay focused on the topic at hand.

8. Finally, and most important, be willing to agree to disagree without combat, conflict and creating hostility. If a win-win situation can not be reached you need to be able to agree to move on without hard feelings. 

A skilled execution of confronting a problem by a great leader will leave both parties feeling empowered and with clarity, a plan and better collaboration. 

Don't forget to keep your dukes down leave the boxing gloves at home. 

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Leader's Compass 8 - Top Ten Tips For A Bad Life - How To Be A Failure

Happiness. Fulfillment. Joy. Peace. Hrmmmph. They're all overrated. You don't have time for that. Want a life of unhappiness and no fulfillment? Want to be consistently overwhelmed and stressed out? Here are some tips on how to regularly sabotage your life and be a burned out "Me Monster" that no one wants to be around. Read on for your fool proof accelerate your aging, alienate your friends and add stress to your life plan.

1. Constantly question yourself. Question yourself so much that you can't take a step without feeling self conscious. Question your ability, your looks, your decisions and most important - constantly question your worth. Poking holes in everything you do will ensure you feel horrible and keep your focus on #1, the Me Monster. Oh, I almost forgot - when you constantly question yourself it makes it easier to blame others "for not believing in you" because you will filter anything they say through your self-doubt! Brilliant eh?!

2. Blame others. Stub your toe? It's the counters fault. Maybe it's your spouses fault - they were talking to you. If all else fail remember this - blame it on "a bad day." Learn how to take blame to the highest, most elaborate level. Here are a few expert tips:

     - Unfriend someone on Facebook...that'll teach em!

     - Talk bad about someone else when you mess up. Better yet, get others to talk bad about them too.

     - Call things stupid. It wasn't your fault, that "stupid" counter got in your way

Learn the art of blame and alienate people around you. Just remember to meet new people regularly to blame since you will consistently lose friends.

3. Hang onto your past! Don't move on. Live by looking back! Got picked on in 1st grade? Use that as the excuse to ALWAYS be a victim! Never achieved your goal weight in the past? Well you never will if you remember that and constantly look back. Hold onto all your past mistakes because let's be honest, people really don't change do they? Suck less? No way! I say suck more by repeating all your old mistakes. You'll feel much worse that way.

4. Freak out and melt down regularly. This is a tricky one that you have to determine what frequency works best for you. Does regularly mean daily, twice a week or just weekly? Once you've determined your frequency here are a few quick expert level tips:

     - Make your melt downs epic. Don't skimp when you blow up. MAKE a science out of making a scene.

     - Use absolute words like always and never. 

     - Bottle up your thoughts and emotions until the actual freak out time. This creates a bigger bang.

     - Blow up about the same thing regularly. Don't deal with challenges as they come. Stay consistent and blow up about the same stuff regularly. By doing so you can master the art if the blow up.

Don't forget that when you blow up its best to do so at those that are closest to you. Take your problems out on them first and then call it friendship.

5. Live inconsistently and NEVER plan. Make others keep guessing. The only thing in your life that is consistent should be your inconsistencies.

6. Take offense regularly. Get very good at listening intently to others and pick out things they say that you can quickly and immediately take offense to. Most important - DON'T try to understand them. Jump to conclusions quickly and then use thier words against them. You want to take this to expert level? Get offended and angry at the little things like someone cutting you off in traffic. Look for those times and you can, with effort stay grumpy all day.

7. Make excuses. Remember that excuses come quickly to the trained excuse maker. Fixing problems? Well that's too hard and takes time. 

8. Live your life based on what you think others think of you. Become so self absorbed that you think everyone is thinking about you and that they have a plan for your life. Constantly search your mind for what others think of you. Because you are not them you will never actually know what they think. Your anti-social skills will keep you from understanding others and you will be able to mentally and emotionally chase your tail for the rest of your life.

9. Learn to speak like a victim. Use words like they and them a lot. Call people names. Say you "have" to do things. Use the "I don't have time" phrase often. Take on more responsibility so you can blame your life on the extra stuff you "have" to do. When you do something wrong and someone confronts you say that they are "mean" or "rude" and tell others that you "got in trouble." This will take the focus off you and put it on that "mean jerk" who you got in trouble with.

10. Never soul search. Soul searching takes time and is stupid. It makes you feel weak and mushy  and isn't for you. If, at some point you do some soul searching "because you were forced to" at work, church or school remember that it can be undone by applying tips 1 and 8. 

There you have it. The top ten tips for a life of reality. Zombie on and keep your head buried in that electronic device. People suck and your problems are thier fault.

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Leader's Compass 7 - The Shell Game - The Wrong Game to Play With Your Life and Career

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction"

- Albert Einstein 

Let's play a game. I'll speak and you nod approvingly. The more I talk about things that you don't understand you engage more - not to learn - but to pretend that you already know what I'm talking about. 

We've all seen the shell game played out before. Someone takes a small ball or token  and places it under one of three shells. My job is to keep my eye on the shell that has the ball underneath it and, regardless of movement or distraction guess where the ball is. The more skilled the gamer - the more difficult it is for me to stay with the ball.

This game is played out mentally and emotionally regularly in our lives, our jobs, our relationships etc. by taking the ball (what we don't know, our ignorance) and moving it around, distracting those around us. Nodding, validating comments, flattery, deflection, changing the subject - all these tools can be used to win the shell game and hide our weakness from others and often ourselves. As Einstein said, "any intelligent fool can make things...more complex."

Years ago I worked very hard to increase the maximum amount of weight I could dead lift. I worked hard for months and even years to perfect my form, increase my strength and little by little improve the amount I could lift. I remember when I broke past the 400 lb barrier. It felt great for a guy my size to lift over 400 lbs. It felt heavy! Just thinking about the weight now makes my body tighten up!

Over the years I've observed that, for some there is a set of words that seem to weigh so much that men and women just don't want to lift them up. Three words - "I don't know" - seem as heavy as my 400 lb dead lifts. It's easier for some to play the shell game rather than admit, with both humility and willingness to learn that they don't know. 

Some years ago I ran into a roadblock when trying to figure out a complicated problem for a client. Frustrated, the phrase - "If I don't know, it's my time to grow" came to mind. Since then, this simple phrase has reminded me that if and when I reach the end of my competence in a particular area of life, growth is on the other side of admitting my current knowledge or skill gap.

Experts make difficult ideas, concepts and/or tasks seem simple. I think this is part of what Einstien was referencing in his quote. A fool plays games to deceive. Genius and courage come from those who decide to take the first step toward progress by saying "I don't know." Experts are created by starting with the "I don't know," progressing toward the "I will know," and staying consistent with the "I do" until time and experience have polished them into an expert.

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Leader's Compass 6 - Walking is Overated - Give up And Sit on The Couch

When you were young you learned to roll over. In time you developed to the point where not only could you roll but you could sit up, scoot, crawl, stand, walk and eventually run. It took you countless hours, weeks, months and years to successfully develop the skill of walking and, unless you have been injured or debilitated in some way you have never stopped. Why would you?

Did you know that after formal education (high school or college) most people stop reading? Why? I'm sure there are several well thought out excuses, but ultimately many people simply stop educating themselves after they are forced to.

Think back for a minute to the time you began looking at the alphabet. When did you begin identifying, observing, writing and reading letters, words and then sentences and paragraphs? Over the years the time we each invest in this form of communication far outweighs the time we invested in learning to walk and yet at a certain point in life many of those who are literate simply chose not to continue. This phenomenon has always facinated me. 

One of the phrases I use regularly in teaching is that if you are good at making excuses you probably suck at everything else. Why don't you read? Why don't you learn? Why don't you exercise, eat well, show love, exhibit patience, practice self-control, communicate effectively, save and invest money, work hard or BE who you want to be? The answers to these questions can lead down two paths - one of excuse or one of skill development, growth and life long learning.

Research shows that typically the most successful people in any area of life are not the most talented or the most naturally gifted. Those who succeed at life, in business, in love, relationships, sports or any other discipline are those who have a constant and never ending passion for learning, growth and dedicated, focused work.

The excuse makers forget that we live in an era of unprecedented educational resources. You can buy and/or access newspapers, books, articles and essays about any subject by masters of success from all over the world. You want to pick the brain of DaVinci, Einstein or The Dali Lhama? Simple. You want to learn how to make, save, invest and grow money from the worlds wealthiest? No problem. Learn the steps to fulfillment? Done. Understand the steps of effective communication? It's all out there.

Let's be honest though - isn't life easier being ignorant? Isn't it easier to extend our finger to point out and blame others, or, even better, extend the other finger to tell them how we really feel? I say we all give up and throw out the countless hours of skill development, stop walking and continue to have "chosen" illiteracy. Good idea? Great! I'll see you on the couch...just don't touch my remote!

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How to Deal with Difficult People

"We have met the enemy, and he is us."

-          Walt Kelly

Picture this - you are going about your day and you notice something wrong. It's not in your department, your area, but it is in your company. You have several choices at this moment:

1. Ignore it and move on
2. Report it to a superior
3. Fix the problem yourself
4. Discuss the problem with the manager over the department where you notice the problem and seek to find a way together to fix it
5. Gossip about the problem, the worker(s) and manager(s) involved
6. Explode emotionally and criticize those around for not seeing the problem and fixing it

One of the purest definitions of a leader is by defining the word leader as a verb, an action word. A leader, therefore is not the title, the position, but rather a leader is a leader because of -

1. Who they are and
2. What they do

With this understanding in mind I want you to go back and look at the scenario above and ask yourself "what would a proactive, principle centered leader do in this situation?"

Let's say for the sake of our topic today that you choose to fix the immediate problem and then follow up with a discussion with the manager over the area or department in which you noticed the problem. Through your proactive approach and your partnering paradigm you hope and possibly expect that the manager would respond with both gratitude and a willing attitude to fix future problems. The result, however becomes just the opposite. Perhaps you hear one of the following responses:
- "Why aren't you minding your own business?"
- "Who are you to criticize?"
- "You don't run my department and you don't understand the stresses I am under."
- "Why don't you fix the problems in your area first before bringing me problems, it's not like you or your department are perfect!"

Sound familiar? What next? How dare they? I was just trying to help? Well now I’m just going to give up and only focus on me and my area? These are all natural responses. But they are not the response of a true leader.

True leaders carry their own weather inside them. They are not swayed by the external winds and rains that others may bring. The outside tempest from another individual or group does not sway the true leader who proactively understands that they control their response regardless of another person or their reaction.

So, what is the solution? This is where your leadership comes in. Many of us try to deal with these situations at the wrong time – in the moment. Take time now to review the scenario above, or one you have recently encountered and write out your proactive, leader focused response. They enemy of our growth is not the person in front of us – it is our own lack of preparation. They key to dealing with difficult people is to anticipate the challenges ahead of time, plan several responses that are respectful, polite and proactive in nature. Carry your calm with you by ensuring you have already “dealt with” difficult people and situations before interacting with them. Plan well and lead on.

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Working Inside Out - Confidence in Action

"Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud." - Kushandwzdom

 As you observe nature you come to realize that many organisms have a symbiotic relationship. Examples abound in all areas relating to our health, relationships and the global economy. One example is found in our internal digestion and immune system which rely on bacteria in the gut. Conversely, without us the bacteria could not live and thrive. We are symbiotic, organisms that live off of each other for mutual benefit. Another example is found in economics. A draught in the American heartland can cause a decrease in the nation's corn production. Decreased corn production in America affects food prices in all products that use corn and corn derivatives. As these commodity prices are affected companies adjust the prices of other products to ensure they can make the profit margins needed to run an effective business. This causes you and I to pay more for products even if we don't use much corn or products with corn.

 A symbiotic relationship in personal leadership is confidence and action. Without consistent bold action in ways that move us forward we will lack confidence. Without confidence we may lack consistent bold action toward our vision, values and goals. One feeds the other. Conversely, one pulls from and starves the other if neglected. To prove this point try this simple exercise. Write on a piece of paper one thing or one area you do not feel confident in. Directly below write one action you can take toward feeling more confident. Now, here's the tricky part - get up RIGHT NOW and do the thing you wrote down. Don't do what non-leaders do - procrastinate. Go do it now and note how you feel. You will notice an increase in confidence almost immediately. Use that confidence to keep going and you will continue to grow in your confidence and accomplishment. It is a cyclical, symbiotic relationship that can lead to consistent happiness and progression.

 Work on the inside and move out. Build your confidence through your action and you will find yourself less likely to point the finger outward, less likely to say "they" or "that" is the problem. Best wishes on your growth!

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The Little Things - Success Mastery

"Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things...I am tempted to think...there are no little things"
- Bruce Barton

Successful leaders realize that by small and simple things, great things are built. When coaching young talent the challenge of the leader is two-fold:

1. Effectively communicate the grand vision of the organization, the goal and the individual(s) impact and
2. Show the followers the power and importance of all the little details needed to build success without overwhelming them in the process.

This challenge of balancing broad vision with detailed execution is best done by providing transparency in both vision and process to all involved. By involving others in executing the "small and simple" the leader can gain buy in to the broader vision. Transparency also breeds trust in relationships and thus in organizations.

Successful leaders teach that the big picture success is only achieved by taking one careful step at a time. Paint broad strokes. Define the details. Step back to get perspective, pay attention to everything needed to succeed and work like hell. Don't forget, mastery takes time - for you, and others. Patience and persistence breed mastery in "the little things" that breed long term success.

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The Artists View - How Criticism Blocks Creativity

"Be curious, not judgmental."
- Walt Whitman

One of the things an accomplished artist learns early on is to pause and observe the world without judgement before making his or her mark. Prior to pencil, pen, paint or chisel striking the artist must stop, be silent and observe the world as it is, free of judgement, claim, criticism and with patience and calmness. Only then, can he create, carve, sculpt, draw, sketch or paint his masterpiece.

Leadership follows art. True leaders, like artists should follow the same process. Life, like art is a beautiful tapestry of color, culture, people, places and movement. Before sketching, sculpting and inserting her expression of talent and skill the leader must, with dispassionate patience observe situations. Only then can she exhibit masterful leadership and application of her talent.

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Emotional Quotient - Choosing Your Response

Emotional Quotient - Choosing Your Response

Albert Einstein is quoted as stating that "any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." As we navigate life our "will"-power, our ability to say both internally and through our actions "I will," or "I choose" determine's our growth and/or contraction of our emotional quotient (EQ).

Each moment of life we have the ability to utilize our willpower to chose our response to the stimuli around us. Far too often we push off this response-ability and blame others for our action. Regardless of the depth of our self deception we choose our response, we choose our creation, we choose our expansion or contraction of our EQ.

A powerful story representing this truth is when Jesus is approached by a group who has "found" a woman in an adulterous act. The standard of the day was that any woman caught in adultery was to be stoned. Jesus, pausing, reflecting, and consciously choosing his response to the situation exhibited one of the paramount historical scenes of compassion and sensitivity. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." The record reads that one by one the people left the place, "starting with the eldest." I believe this is significant.

The older we are the more we have lived. The more we have lived the more mistakes we have made. The true definition of the word "sin" is "to miss the mark." As we experience life we realize that all of us miss the mark regularly, despite our best efforts. With time and experience we can consciously choose to live life with compassion and sensitivity rather than criticism and callous approach. Walt Whitman wrote once "be curious, not judgemental." As we do so our EQ deepens and broadens and our happiness expands. Our choices determine our growth and our happiness.

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